Tag Archives: modern dating

I Don’t Trust Dating Coaches Who Do This

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Initially I wanted this blog to focus mostly on relationship topics; however, I did not want to limit myself in terms of the content as I like to cover various things ranging from health/fitness to manifestation to so much more. Although I am by no means a dating coach, I do believe I can offer valuable dating advice based upon basic psychology, examining other people’s dating lives, personal experiences, and dating coaches that I will listen to on YouTube from time to time. There are many who exist and even though some have a massive following, I don’t feel that they are necessarily the best out there. What I notice is that there are many dating coaches who gender bash the opposite sex in which I do not trust those type of dating coaches. Think about it, if you’re listening to a woman and you notice there’s an underlying pattern where she talks about how much men are useless and that they’re mostly players, why would anyone seek to listen to this person if their goal is to create a happy and healthy relationship? The same goes with male dating coaches. There are many male dating coaches who put women down and it can range from anything about a woman being too old to a woman being too young or how women keep multiple men around, cheat, and more. As a basic rule, if a dating coach puts down the opposite sex on a regular basis and that is one of their common themes, these are people who probably never recovered from their past or are just negative people to begin with.

I think if you are going to seek any type of relationship advice, you want to follow someone who actually has something good to say about the opposite sex and has a general positive outlook on dating. Relationships will have its ups and downs but at the end of the day, you still want to have a positive approach to dating. Dating coaches can be helpful but be selective in who you choose to listen to. Some have really great insight and knowledge whereas others just don’t bring much to the table in terms of providing quality advice. Aside from dating coaches, it is also helpful to rely most on your intuition when you are in the dating world and to talk to people within your support system who know you best when asking for any type of relationship advice.

Is Love Sustainable? – If So, How?

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When it comes to relationship success, many relationships and marriages unfortunately do not end up lasting over time; however, that does not have to be the case. Of course everlasting love does exist and there are couples who stay happily together for the long hall. I think people who are on the quest to find love are in hopes to find one partner to spend the rest of their lives with; however, a “happily ever after” ending does not always end up being the outcome. One has to wonder: Is love sustainable? – If so, how?

Mutually Make the Right Choice – The most important part of the love process really comes down to making the right life partner choice and really thinking about whether or not you see a future with this person–while also keeping in mind that this choice has to be MUTUAL. Too often I see people in a one-sided relationship from the start where one person is really into the other and the other person simply isn’t as invested or is just settling. As essential as it is to choose who you want to be with, the other person also needs to choose you in return and equally want the partnership. If you suspect that you are with someone that isn’t as into you or vice versa where in your heart you do not really love the person as much in return–please do everyone a favor and break it up before it gets too serious. This is why people need to truly follow their intuition better and do the right thing by ending a dead end relationship which will also keep the door open for a better suited match to come into your future when the time is right.

Put in the Work – Relationships like anything else in life require WORK and again, TWO people have to put in the work in order for the relationship to be a successful one. When you have one person putting in all the effort while the other person doesn’t, the relationship is bound to fizzle out over time. You need two people proactively doing what it takes to keep the relationship going which also includes having the capacity to make sacrifices when necessary for the greater good of the relationship. It is important to keep in mind that in the very beginning of any relationship, things are very easy and two people tend to be in what they call a “honeymoon phase.” After this time passes is the best time to determine whether or not you both want to work towards building a future together or not.

Communicate with the Same Love Languages – I’ll be honest, I was not familiar with the concept of love languages until much later in life. When I was first exposed to it, I questioned how important this really was in a relationship because I thought every love language was somewhat essential. Then I realized that people express love differently through various love languages and not everyone has the same love language preferences. This would explain why many couples feel out of sync and their love fades over time because each person communicates love in contrasting ways to begin with.

Natural Compatibility – Natural compatibility should not be confused with natural attraction. Attraction of any sort might catch one’s eye in the beginning but if there isn’t natural compatibility to back up the attraction then the attraction most certainly wears off over time. Of course, there is no denying that attraction is important but I think people often overlook the actual compatibility aspect of the relationship and don’t take the time to examine whether or not they are truly compatible with the other person. Compatibility can include your value systems, beliefs, lifestyles, and overall how you each fundamentally function as people. When two people have natural compatibility, there are less arguments, problems, and conflicts because both people see eye to eye on most things. Ultimately, natural compatibility is ideal for developing a healthy relationship and definitely the foundation of any long lasting partnership.

Don’t Ever Become a Beggar Within Your Dating Life

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There might be many instances in life where the expression, “Beggars can’t be choosers” applies but your dating life should never be one of them. People make excuses as to why they should settle or just date someone for the sake of having someone. I don’t care if you just got out of a relationship or marriage because failed relationships do not define you–finding love again can still be within your future. I don’t care how old you are because no one has an expiration date or a deadline as to when they find the love of their life. I don’t care if you’re currently unemployed, out of shape, have kids from a previous relationship, etc. Whatever the excuse is, it is time to throw them out the window because they are simply just excuses and do not have to stand in the way of you finding your very best relationship–whether that be with self (as there is nothing wrong with being single) or with a romantic partner.

It blows my mind when people apply these limitations because the result often leads to one settling for an undesirable relationship due to the belief that there are not enough options or a better suited option. Again, this is a scarcity mindset which prevents the creation of abundance in life. If you truly believe your options are limited, then guess what? Yeah, they unfortunately will stay limited because your inner most thoughts determine your reality.

In my opinion, choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in life and not one you should ever take lightly. No matter what your current circumstance is, you should never feel pressured to settle or go through the motions of staying in a long term relationship if you do not feel it is the right fit. You need to set the bar high and keep that bar high because you are deserving to be with someone who you choose to be with and in return this person chooses you back. Remember, it has to go both ways because it is a lost cause if you choose someone who doesn’t value you in the same exact way.

I remember once hearing on a television show many years ago that you should be with someone in which you feel like you hit the lottery. In other words, you want to be with someone who makes you feel incredibly lucky to have in your life. The only difference is, winning the lottery is based on luck whereas with finding love, you essentially CHOOSE your luck which is why you need to be a CHOOSER in your dating life, not a beggar who is willing to take any person who comes their way. True love is always worth the wait so remember to choose very wisely! ❤

Do “Nice Guys Finish Last?” – My Advice to Men

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There is the common expression that, “nice guys finish last.” Although there might be some truth to this, I don’t believe that this has to be the case for nice men. There is this common misconception that women prefer the so-called bad guys, players, etc. The underlying issue for women who choose these types of men usually stem from either their upbringing (ex: no father figure, poor male role models–aka “daddy issues”) or they on some subconscious level do not believe they are deserving of a good man, more specifically in this case–a nice guy.

My best advice to nice guys is to find a nice girl! There are plenty of nice women out there who are looking for their match and want to be with a nice man. It is up to men to weed out the women who do no respect, love, or treat them like gold. Nice guys will often tolerate bad female behavior and will tend to stick around until they become a doormat to the women who will never supply them with the love that they give so generously. That is why it is essential for a man to know his worth and cut his losses when he is faced with a woman who does not value him. Sadly, you cannot love someone into falling in love with you in return. Usually the opposite will happen where the woman will just be turned off entirely or she may stick around for the wrong reasons.

In addition, there is more to bring to the table in the dating world than just being nice. Women are attracted to nice men but not if these same men have nothing else going on for them other than this attribute. I can’t help but notice that there are many nice men out there who are devoted, committed, loving, and sweet as pie–especially to women; however these are the same men who don’t have a career, steady income, and are living in the basement with mom still. I am not saying ALL nice guys are like this but I do notice a high correlation between nice guys being much less ambitious with little to offer in terms of a lasting relationship with a promising and secure future. This is where men need to work on themselves so that when the right woman comes along, he has more going for him than just being a nice guy. Keep in mind that “working on self” should not be done strictly for increasing value in the dating world but for yourself–with or without a partner. The reason being that by bettering self, you not only will increase your self worth and confidence but you will also radiate an energy that others will naturally find attractive.

It’s Okay to Miss But Know When to DISMISS – How to Mentally Cope With a Breakup

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I understand that breakups are not always an easy reality to face and it does not matter whether you were the one who broke it off or the one who was let go as it can be a tough adjustment either way. If you were the one who was dumped, I recognize it can be especially sad, painful, and difficult to move on. It is natural to miss the person and want to know what they are up to but at the same time, you need to know when it is time to DISMISS the person (aka let them go completely) in order for you to move forward and open the door to a better future. This can only happen once you have emotionally detached yourself from your past and I am here to tell you that you absolutely can and all it takes is a mental shift in your mindset.

“I can’t believe my ex moved on so fast and I was replaced so easily.” – For starters, there is no need to take things this personally. When you feel good about yourself from within, this is the last thing that should ever cross your mind as you already know that you are of high value. In addition, be happy that your ex found happiness with someone else even if that means that person is not you. It might feel hurtful thinking of them with another person but if you truly care about this person, you should genuinely be rooting for their happiness. (On a slightly different note, you should also not be so fixated on what they are doing and what’s going on in their personal life, stay in your own lane and focus on your personal path to happiness).

“I wish my ex was willing to make things work.” – Listen, you need to think of it as a blessing that you were let go because it is not worth it to be with someone who does not see what you have to offer nor has the desire to be with you. STOP wasting your time! If it didn’t work the first time or however many times you tried, chances are that it never was going to work out again in the long run so stop holding onto a false hope that there is a chance of getting back together. If anything, you should be THANKFUL this person is not stringing you along and broke it off to save YOUR time because time is one of life’s most valuable assets.

“I’m never going to find someone like my ex.” – Are you kidding me? With so many people in this Universe, there’s absolutely no one to date? Yeah right, I don’t think that’s the case at all! Yes, I know that getting back into the dating world can be a process and it is not always easy to find someone to connect with romantically–however, that is not to say that you will never find someone to date again. I would suggest taking some time to enjoy being single first and allow for enough time for you to mentally detach yourself from your ex and then you can try to meet people again. Often times you’ll find that love will find you when you least expect it and when you are spiritually open and ready for it!

Final Note: At the end of the day, people come and go and that’s a part of life. Not everyone who we meet or date is meant to hold a place in our lives for the long haul and that’s totally okay! It is also okay to reminisce and reflect on the positive memories but at the same time, be prepared to fully dismiss this person and begin a new chapter in your life. I don’t know about you but personally, I think it is way more exciting to think about how the next chapter of life is going to unfold as opposed to getting stuck in an old chapter or reliving a chapter that doesn’t provide a positive outcome. Plus, best of all–you are the one creating it so let’s make this next chapter an AMAZING one! 😉

Why Playing Hard to Get Does Not Always Work

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Many people have heard of the common advice, “play hard to get” when you like someone as this is supposed to increase the other person’s attraction level. Although I would have to agree that this can be effective because it is human nature to want what you do not have, this approach can often be counterintuitive and have zero impact on whether or not someone is going to develop a romantic interest in you in return. Reason being that attraction is not a one size fits all formula and it is unrealistic to expect this tactic or any single tactic to work on every single person. (If only it was that easy, right?) While there is no denying that playing hard to get might provide short term success and work in certain instances; on the other hand, there are reasons as to why this tactic is unsuccessful.

Emotionally Unavailable – Some people are emotionally unavailable where they have too much going on in their personal lives to even be open and receptive to love. Examples of this can include just getting out of a relationship, having unresolved feelings towards an ex, or already possessing a different love interest (that’s not you) which all confirm emotional unavailability. When someone is in this stage in life, it is apparent there is no need to invest any time and energy because any attraction tactic will be a lost cause in any of these scenarios.

Just Not Interested / Indifferent – If the person feels pretty neutral towards you and indifferent where they do not care whether they hear from you or not, chances are if you are playing hard to get, they are not even going to miss your presence much at all and may not even notice you’re going out of your way to apply this tactic. The same also goes if this person is not interested in you romantically as this person will probably feel more relieved to not hear from you rather than an increased level of attraction.

In a Relationship – It goes without saying that you should not even be approaching someone who is in a serious relationship which would also explain why playing hard to get would not really work because this person is emotionally locked into their significant other and I would also classify this as a situation where someone is in a state of emotional unavailability as mentioned previously. No attraction tactic is going to have an effect if someone is happily taken so again, you should not even be thinking about doing anything about it and find a new love interest.

Too Many Options – When someone has too many options in the love department, while a person might be craving more of the attention from the person not giving it to them, I think this can backfire because if someone is absent for too long, this person can easily be forgotten simply due to a lack of contact or simply think the person is not interested while those who are more persistent with their affection will most likely be noticed than forgotten.

Out of Touch, Out of Time – To expand on my last point, when someone is out of touch for too long (in this case, playing hard to get), eventually time runs out too. Why should someone wait around for someone to give them their time? More specifically, someone who has a strong love for self and a high level of confidence is just not going to tolerate this type of behavior and will move onto to someone who is giving them validation as opposed to someone who is playing hard to get because they recognize that this is an unhealthy way to win their heart.

Final Note: If you are in a situation where you feel that you need to ignore someone, disappear for a certain amount of time, or play games to win anyone’s love and attention then you are choosing the wrong person–bottom line. This is not the way that you should want to start off any relationship because clearly there is not a mutual interest (or interest at all) and even if the other person has an interest but perhaps is trying to apply this tactic on you to win your heart, again–this just is not a healthy way to begin any relationship. It can easily turn into a toxic dynamic where one or both people stay emotionally attached for the wrong reasons.

Remember, it goes both ways: 1) Always love yourself and know that you deserve more than someone who has to use manipulation to try to obtain your attention. Your affection and time should be EARNED once the other person steps up to the plate by taking the time to emotionally invest in getting to know you and consistently spending their quality time with you. 2) You should also avoid playing hard to get because when the right person comes along, you won’t feel the need to pull away or play games–quite the opposite will happen as the relationship will unfold much more naturally and the connection will increase over time by bringing two people together rather than apart.

Why Similar Lifestyles Matter in A Relationship

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Everyone’s lifestyle varies and it is unlikely to meet someone with the exact same lifestyle as you; however, finding someone with a pretty similar one is very important for long term relationship success. It is natural and okay to have differences including different hobbies but when two people live life in ways in which two people cannot easily relate to each other, it is tough to ask for either person to adapt to the other. It is also very easy for the relationship to deteriorate over time as people tend to get resentful or can simply just get tired of each other’s differences.

That is why it is of extreme importance to pay attention to a person’s overall lifestyle from the start of getting to know someone. Although lifestyle can be impacted by one’s career choice, location, and other factors–the way in which a person chooses to live their life is a personal choice that often won’t change. It is good to examine the major components of one’s lifestyle that can include:

– How does this person like to spend their free time?
– How does this person manage their money? Are they more of a spender or a saver?
– What is their idea of a vacation?
– What are their health habits? What does health/fitness mean to them?
– What are their life goals? Are they in alignment with yours?
– Where do they want to live?
– Does this person practice a religion and to what extent?
– How much time is enjoyed being spent alone and with their partner?
– What does intimacy mean to this person?

This is just a general list to go by but keep in mind that there are many other areas that can contribute to one’s lifestyle. Please note that I did not list anything that was trivial such as a person’s favorite pizza topping or sports team as I would categorize that as a personal preference and not so much associated with their lifestyle. Of course as I mentioned, nothing is going to be exact but instead, it is most important to focus on what’s SIMILAR. When two lifestyles are very similar, it allows for two people to continuously grow together while genuinely loving each other’s company even more as they are brought together by their shared interests. There is a reason why they say, “Birds of a feather, flock together” which very much applies here.

When Love Becomes a Game – Game OVER

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Many aspects of life become a game but I don’t believe your love life should ever become one. Mind you, with pursuing love or any type of relationship, there are going to be challenges along the way and no relationship is ever perfect. Even when things seem “perfect,” especially during the early stages of a relationship or during the honeymoon phase as they call it, do not fall into the illusion that everything will remain that way at all times. However, at the very least, things should be very easy in the beginning, especially when two people mutually want to be with each other and explore where their love can go.

Keep in mind, that the early stages of dating someone are always very telling. When I hear someone tell me about the complications, the mixed signals, the emotional letdowns, drama, etc. at the very beginning, my immediate thought is: Don’t just walk but run away from these situations as they should be avoided in its entirety. Why do you want to start a relationship or even invest your time in someone who is playing games with your heart? I do not care how attractive they are. I do not care how much you have in common. I do not care how much money they have. I do not care how much you like them. I do not care how much you think that they like you in return–because guess what, if the person liked you, why would they cause tension, agony, frustration, and grief? The focus would be on TOGETHERNESS and making that effort to not only BE WITH YOU but also to MAKE YOU HAPPY. Why would a person who genuinely likes you go days without contact? If they liked you, they would never want to go even a single day out of touch. Also be careful when you notice a person message you constantly but yet they never make the time to actually see you in-person, spend any quality time, or they make plans but constantly are canceling. (FYI, I call that a glorified pen pal or perhaps a waste of time–you can be the judge).

It is crucial to pay close attention as to when love becomes a game and to pick up on the red flags before the jump to prevent developing any sort of attachment to this person. It is a game you never want to play and one in which you need to withdraw from as soon as you are aware that this is all it is.

Besides the beginning, it is possible that love can turn into a game later during the course of the relationship and the same rule applies here, once you notice this–you are up and OUT. Remember: Game over. An example of this is when a person is incredibly devoted and locked into the relationship but over time, you notice communication becomes less frequent or the person is showing signs they are ghosting you. Do everyone a favor and just end it if that begins to happen. Why settle on someone who appears to be less interested or who is slacking on providing you with the love you deserve? Even if the other person is not intentionally trying to play games with your emotions, it does not matter what the INTENT is, what matters is the OUTCOME. If the outcome is not in your favor, you just have to make it a point to remove yourself as soon as possible. Although it might take time, please know that you will get over them as soon as you make the firm decision to move forward with your life and let the person go. Be patient with the process and true love (not some “love game” nonsense) will actually come knocking on your door when you are ready for it. Trust me, love is on the way so make sure you create the space in your life for it to arrive when the time is right. 😉 ❤

When People Really Are Too Busy – Learn How to Accept it (or Move On)

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Often times if someone is too busy, it is seen as quite a negative thing. People automatically interpret that the person is just not that interested or perhaps aloof and detached. While in many cases this can be the case, this is NOT always the case–some people really are too busy. Some people may have multiple things in their lives to balance whether it is their career, education, and/or family life. Some people truly do not have as much free time. Does this mean that they do not want to hang out with you? My answer is: Not necessarily. (So there is no need to take it personally!)

As a professional makeup artist, I work in a services profession which requires that I work most weekends and this can vary from weekend to weekend just depending on how many bookings I have. While most people are off on the weekends to hang out, this is not often the case for me unless I am working during a slow season such as the winter. This also means that making concrete weekend plans weeks in advance can be dicey and sometimes the little free time that is left for myself on a weekend I just prefer to be left alone to sleep, relax, or work out.

I recognize that people with extremely busy schedules can be frustrating to hang out with but there are a few ways to navigate this.

Respect the Other Person’s Space and Time – If their time is limited, do not ask for too much of their time because they may just not have the time to give. If you are understanding of their time and space, they will not feel pressured and will be more inclined to want to spend time with you once they have some free time in their schedules.

Be Patient if They Take Longer to Respond – Although we live in a world where sending a text message is quick and easy, not everyone is physically on their phones at all times to reply. The worst thing you can do is double text or constantly send them messages to get their attention. If they are genuinely busy then there is no need to remind them of your presence as they will get back to you at their earliest convenience.

Find Hobbies and Personal Interests to Occupy Your Time – If you know of set times that this person is usually unavailable, find hobbies and things to do during that time rather than always waiting around for them. It is good to have your own separate life with your own personal interests that does not involve the other person.

Work Around Their Schedule – It is important to be as accommodating and flexible as possible when trying to make plans with this person. If they have to cancel last minute due to a work function or something that is of importance, then do not give them a hard time about it and just let them be the ones to reschedule it with you. They will make the time for you if you allow them to.

Know the Difference Between Whether the Person Actually is Too Busy or Just Not That Into You – As I mentioned, there will be instances where you come across someone who is not direct enough to say they are uninterested but will rather just appear to be too busy all the time. Unfortunately, this means they are trying to spell out that they are too busy to spend their time with you. In this scenario, you are better off leaving this person alone altogether. If they are interested in reconnecting, then they will find a way to do so.

[Final Note: Also keep in mind that if you find that the person never has enough time to spend with you as you would like, it might be a good idea to find someone who has the same expectations as you of how much quality time is spent with one another. Each person can grow very resentful towards each other if they feel as though one person is not getting enough time while the other feels they are giving more than they actually have to give. In order to strike the right balance, it is important to have these open conversations. If you find that this will always cause a conflict without much of a solution, then find someone who has the same expectations as you in terms of how much time is spent together and apart.]

Why I Don’t Believe in Ghosting and What You Should be Doing Instead

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In the context of modern dating, ghosting has become very much a common phenomenon. Essentially it is when a person you have established a connection with or perhaps are seriously dating completely falls off the face of the earth. This can happen in various forms but I would say the most popular is via text as this is the easiest way to casually stay in contact with someone which makes it even easier to go cold turkey and completely stop responding to the messages altogether. To officially label it as ghosting, it has to be a current scenario where there was a period of daily communication with the person and after a few failed attempts, the person without warning just disappears.

If an actual emotional connection had been established on either end and/or you were seeing the person consistently, I do not think it is ever appropriate to ghost someone once you made a firm decision on your terms that you no longer want to talk or get together with the person anymore. I view the act of ghosting as a sea of many negative things: selfish, cowardly, cold, immature, and insensitive just to name a few.

In a situation where you met the person one time or there was truly no connection to begin with, a valid reason as to why you no longer want to talk to the person might not be necessary and yes, you do not owe an explanation in those circumstances. However, if you were connected in any way whether it be emotionally, spiritually, or physically, I think the right thing to do instead of ghosting is to just be one hundred percent transparent and straight up with the person. Even if you know that it might not be what the other person wants to hear, at the very least you earn a level of respect for being straightforward while also saving the other person their mental sanity and time from analyzing the situation more than is needed to do so. I don’t fully understand why it is difficult for people to express with their words that there no longer is an interest or whatever the specifics may be. I know it might appear harsh or you might fear you are hurting the person’s feelings but you are ultimately helping the person by telling the truth than to just ignore the person without a reason. I think ignoring someone is way more hurtful than just delivering the hard truth.

For me personally, as the saying goes, “honesty is the best policy” and this should apply to most everything in life including your personal relationships. I do not think I can ever think of a time I ever ghosted someone because I just do not see it as the morally right thing to do to someone if the person liked me on some deeper level and was emotionally invested in any way. The times I was not interested in really seeing someone anymore, I would just spell it out and give an explanation. It does not have to be a super drawn out explanation either. I think open communication is always more effective in the long run and it is more beneficial to give someone proper closure than to make someone question what happened or be left in a state of confusion as to what lead up to the demise of the relationship.

So the next time you are in a dating situation, relationship, or even friendship that you would like to end altogether, rather than ghosting or running away from the situation, just find a way to be honest with yourself and the other person. Remember, you are doing everyone a favor by simply expressing your true intentions.