Category Archives: Dating Advice

If Someone is Very Selective, Let Them Select You

There are certain people that are incredibly picky when they go about dating. No one ever seems to be good enough and they often are single or just never settle down. People might assume they have commitment problems, are emotionally unavailable, or they are not marriage material; however, there is also the possibility that the person just does not come in contact with people they want to be with all too often meaning they are super picky or they might not even fully know what they are looking for (which is a separate problem in and of itself).

I always advise if the person has stated they are picky or it is very apparent based on their words and their actions, I recommend you do not invest too much of your time. Even if you are incredibly accommodating and do what you can to please this person, it might still never be enough or they will find something very small as a reason they do not want to date you or as a reason to move on to the next person. Who really wants to deal with that? That is the reason I do not recommend getting attached to someone like this because chances are you will always be the one left wanting more or with a broken heart.

People who are super selective typically do end up staying single most of their lives. It is not your job to try to change this about them or make them fall in love with you. Why do you want to be in a position that you always have to live up to their expectations and please them constantly just for them to figure out if you are worthy enough for them? Relationships should be reciprocal. Both people mutually want to be together and want to do things to make each other happy. This person chooses you and accepts you for who you are. They are not dating you until the next best person steps into their lives or constantly looking for someone who is better in their eyes (if this even exists) because you are enough.

If you really like this person and do not want to give up on them, you can keep sticking around but when things fail to progress as planned, do not tell me I did not warn you. The best thing you can do is back off and let them select YOU. Turn the tables on them by making them work hard to be with YOU versus you always catering to them. If they do not reach out or put the effort needed to keep you in the forefront of their lives, then you know you are better off without this person. I know that might be a hard reality to accept but trust me on this one and keep it moving. It is better to know that now than to find this out days, weeks, or years later. Everyone’s time is precious and this includes yours in which it is important to stop investing it in the wrong people.

Traveling and Dating – Who Should Pay for What?

I actually have had this question asked a few times in regards to wanting solid advice on what is the right thing to do in terms of how couples should handle expenses while on vacation when they are ‘just dating’ (not married and perhaps have only have been dating for a short time). To be honest, there really is no set answer to this one because there are so many factors involved and each dating situation is different. For example, are we talking about a weekend getaway or full week vacation overseas?

I think that if one person (usually the man but hey, it’s 2020–anything is possible nowadays) is paying for all or a contribution towards your travel expenses such as the flight and accommodations then it can be expected that once you arrive at the destination, you can pick up a good amount or at least some of the food and entertainment tabs. Personally, it just feels good to reciprocate if someone is that generous to pay most of or all my travel fees up front.

If both people are paying separately and in this case for me as the woman, the man I am dating is not paying anything towards my personal travel expenses, then I do not really expect to pay for meals or much during that time away. In a normal situation when I’m NOT traveling, I do expect a man to pay for most meals (unless it is a special occasion or I am asked to pay the tip). Why? I firmly believe in gender roles and that they should still exist. Whereas I know not everyone might feel the same because the counter argument could be that most women are in the work force today. If a woman has a stable career/job and can pay for meals as well, why is she not paying those bills? I totally understand this way of thinking, it makes sense to me as well but it does not change the principle or belief that I have which is that a man should want to pay for the dates. It actually for me has nothing to do with money being spent but to do with showing a woman that he wants to take care of her along with being chivalrous and conveying his financial strength. Especially in the early stages of the dating game, if a guy is asking the woman to go 50/50 or to pay for dates, then my immediate thought is, “Next.” I do not mean that in an entitled, conceited, or stuck up kind of way. I might still stay to get to know the guy better but I am not going to invest too much of my time because I have been in the dating game long enough to know that this is the golden standard (if you ask most men, they actually do want to pay) and there are an abundance of men who would never ask a woman to take her wallet out. So why would I make an exception now or settle for someone who is a 50/50 kind of guy? I actually do not encounter those kind of men in my life because I set my standard from the start what my expectations are (which mind you, I don’t think is even much to ask) and if this were to be a problem, my response would be, “Then don’t date me.” In other words, I am not going to lower my dating standards as I could keep it moving at that point. However, with travel, I recognize things can add up fast depending on where you go and how long you are away in which I think offering to pay for things from time to time is classy and often appreciated.

Note for Men: I think it is extremely important to consider, if you do NOT plan to pay for much during the trip or expect a more equal contribution financially with how money will be spent throughout the duration of the vacation, then you absolutely need to have this conversation and set those standards. Just as it is important for women to set standards, men should be doing this as well. I have had many male friends complain to me how they do not like having to pay for things all the time when they are dating–especially if there is not a relationship status or if they are unsure how much they like the other person. I ask if they have expressed that to the person they are dating and often times the answer is, “No.” Most women would not know this is bothersome unless it is brought to their attention. Chances are, they would be more than willing to contribute or to pay for things too. Like anything in life, you just have to ask.

Why Couples Should Have Separate Bank Accounts

It has been said that one of the most common reasons for a relationship or marriage to end is due to financial matters. This can range from having two people with completely different spending habits to someone making substantially more money than the other person which can cause some level of resentment over time. (On the other hand, for some couples, this might not even be a deal breaker–it really depends on each person’s values). Before getting too seriously involved with someone, it is important to make sure you are financially compatible with someone. By that, I mean that you have some sense of how they value their money (ex: are they better at spending or saving?) and how much they have (not exact figures but things such as approximate salary, debts, etc.) Knowing this information is valuable along with discussing financial expectations as people’s views on money management can be radically different.

Once two people have established they are relatively on the same page financially, I advise to always keep bank accounts separate to prevent financial problems to arise later on within the relationship.

Each Partner Can Still Maintain Financial Independence – This is probably the most important reason for keeping things separate as it allows for both people to make their own money and do what they want with it. When there is a joint account, often times there could be arguments such as, “Why did you spend that much money on going out this week?” When both people have access to the account, there is less control on how the money is spent causing one person to get mad at the other on how the joint money is spent outside of their monthly bills.

Both People Can Take Financial Responsibility – It is good for each partner to be able to contribute financially on some level. Although it is easy to just split everything down the middle, this often times is not the case. By assigning certain monthly bills to each person to come out of their own individual account, this holds everyone accountable instead of relying on one person to be completely in charge of the finances. Although this can successfully work in certain relationships where one person is fully in charge, the downside to this is that if something happens to this person, this leaves the other person incapable of managing the finances on their own or at all.

One Person Makes Significantly More Money That the Other – If one person is making much more money than the other person, I think it is only fair for there to be separate bank accounts as the person who is making more should be entitled to be able to keep some of it for themselves as well. If everything is put together, the person who is not contributing as much could take advantage or feel a sense of guilt if they are unable to level up to their partners financially. When accounts are kept separately, this avoids potential problems or tension to build up over time.

There are pros and cons to everything including the subject matter of whether or not couples should have a joint or separate bank account. In the long run, the benefits of having a separate bank account typically outweigh the benefits of a joint account in today’s modern world, especially now where we live in a society where most households are two income households. Of course everything is situational in which it is important to have these conversations with your partner to see where each person stands on finances and what option is best for each partner.

“I Want to Take Things Slow” – What is the Translation?

When dating, the way in which the relationship is paced can vary depending on various factors such as the comfort level of the individual and what the ultimate relationship goals are. Sometimes a person will flat out declare, “I want to take things slow.” I think this can be interpreted in one of many ways and there is not exactly one definitive answer as to what this means. There are certain instances it is apparent the reasoning while other times, you just need to be patient to better understand the other person’s point of view, especially if there is not much clarity to back it up.

Not Fully Out of Last Relationship – If there are any loose ends from their last relationship or a person has not mentally recovered from the outcome of their last relationship, it can be expected that the person will want to move at a slower pace before getting too deep into the next relationship they pursue.

Fear of Commitment – Not everyone is able to fully commit to someone or are in a place in their life where they want that at the present moment. Typically if someone is not interested in a commitment, it is just easier to say they ‘want to take it slow’ than to completely spell out their true intentions–especially if this puts them at risk that the other person won’t want to stay unless there is a commitment. Keep in mind, if the reason stems from a fear of commitment or simply not wanting to commit to you, the person might never be ready or it could take an extended period of time.

Not Wanting to Be Vulnerable – It can take certain people a very long time to open up to another person. In addition, some prefer to protect their feelings out of the fear of getting rejected or abandoned in the long run. So rather than emotionally connecting to the person they are dating, to protect oneself from potentially getting hurt, the person will tend to be more guarded when proceeding with any relationship.

Multiple Options – When someone has multiple options, there is no need to really progress any of their personal relationships on a fast track because they want to compare all of their options and see which person is the best match out of all the options on hand. They might also enjoy dating multiple people or not be looking for anything serious in which none of their options will end up turning into serious leads.

Setting Boundaries – It is important to set boundaries in any relationship and sometimes this is said to do exactly that. By making this statement, it signifies to the other person to not ask for too much too soon while also putting a slight psychological wall up. It might just take some time for them to feel comfortable around you and for their boundaries to slowly come down.

Moving Too Fast Too Soon – Maybe the style in which the relationship started moved at a much quicker pace than they were ready for or perhaps their previous relationship moved too fast in which they are more consciously aware that they want to slow things down and pump the brakes a little bit.

Interest Level is Uncertain – If someone is unsure where they stand with their feelings towards someone, it makes sense to want to take things slow. It does not mean the person does not like you, their level of interest just might not have reached an intense level where they are 100% all in. Attraction is not always an instant spark but often times can be a slow build between two people which could very well have started out as friends and potentially lead into something deeper over time.

Very Focused on Career/Goals – People who are extremely focused on their careers, school, and other life goals typically do not prioritize their personal relationships. This is not to say they do not have an interest in pursuing one, it just means the person has many obligations which can prevent them from giving as much as they can within a relationship so it is to their advantage “to take things slow” so they can still stay focused on their goals while exploring the idea of building a new relationship.

One Day at a Time Approach – Some people approach just about all their relationships and many other areas of their lives on a day-by-day basis. There is nothing wrong with that as some people just need more time before really transitioning the relationship into a more serious one. This is the play it safe route and applies to someone who pursues most things with caution and mindfulness.

There are many reasons why people may want to take things at a slower rate which might feel like a negative thing initially but it does not necessarily have to translate this way. It really comes down to the personality, past relationship experience, life goals, dating preferences, and other individual factors that can dictate the pace in which they want their relationship to unfold. Some people like to move at a slower rate while others move more quickly but at the end of the day, you need to be respectful towards the needs of the other person while also keeping in mind what you are truly looking for. If you find things are not progressing at the rate you feel comfortable with, you can choose to be patient or to move on altogether.

Relationship for the Wrong Reasons – Do Any of These Apply to You?

When going into any relationship, it is important to be emotionally available while also being at a point in your life where you actually want to pursue one. More importantly, one should consider choosing to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Of course this varies from person to person and it is good to make sure you are both on the same page before anything gets too serious. Often times, people get into a relationship that might appear to be coming from a good place but beneath the surface when you fully examine it, this is not actually the case.

The next time you are dating or building a relationship with someone new, it is important to not only assess the other person’s motives but more importantly, really dig deep and make a self assessment of your true intent. Pretty much it comes down to: Why are you dating this [specific] person? Since that is a rather general question, I want to actually break it down into factors you should really think about in regards to whether or not you are in a relationship for the right reasons or if you are in one for the wrong reasons in which you might need to reconsider if you belong in it to begin with. Here is a general list of quite common but wrongful reasons to be in a relationship:

I don’t like to be alone or feel lonely. – Unfortunately, I see this happen quite often where someone is constantly in a relationship because of their fear of being alone or not having someone there for them when they need them. This is a problem because this simply means that you can date just about *anyone* in order to eliminate your fear of being by yourself. Being single does not have to be a scary thing, so stop perceiving it that way.

I just want to feel loved by someone. – Yes, I would say that love is a basic emotional need that most people crave or desire to have in their lives but first and foremost, you need to love yourself first! I am sure you also have plenty of people within your social circle including family, friends, co-workers, etc. who care about you on a deeper level in which you will be okay if you are not currently with someone who is in love with you.

It is much easier to get over someone if I start fresh with a new relationship. – I get the logic behind this reason but this is definitely the wrong mindset to have when you are getting to know someone new. Especially if the other person broke up with you and there are lingering feelings left behind, there is really no way to move forward with someone new until you are actually over your ex and can wholeheartedly date with a clean slate again.

Being in this relationship is convenient and there are added perks like saving money on living expenses. – A relationship really should not be a business transaction although I understand that once finances get involved, it can easily turn into one. My point is, if your main motive for dating this person is out of convenience to save money or you like that the person does your house chores or whatever it is that feels like a bonus to you, then you do not really like the person for who they are, just what they do to make your life easier.

The other person really likes me and I do not think I will ever find someone who treats me this well. – This is another weak mindset that shows that you have a scarcity mentality where you do not believe you are capable of meeting someone who loves you and worships you–and who you mutually are in love with in return. That is not true unless your mind actually believes that. Staying with someone simply because “this person likes me so much” and it is not exactly mutual on your end is not the right reason to stay. This is called settling. It is not fair to the other person to keep it going if you do not think you can get to the same emotional, physical, and spiritual level with the other person who feels that way towards you. You cannot force it, so don’t.

Everyone else I know is in a relationship right now and on social media. – Okay if you are someone who is that heavily influenced by social media or by what appears “everyone” else is doing, I find that to be a major red flag in and of itself because quite frankly, who cares what other people are doing–(what exactly are you doing?) In other words, you should be staying in your own lane and focus on your own life’s path. This is also the key to developing your own inner happiness.

At the end of the day, if you are going to choose to be with someone, you have to want to be with that person because it is coming from a genuine place in your heart. You also recognize that this person is far from perfect but someone you greatly admire, accept for who they are, want to share your life with, and thoroughly enjoy their companionship.

You Need to Be A Catch Before You Can Catch the Best Fish

I was having a conversation with someone who needed some advice about dating and was not having much luck with it. I think the dating world can be a tough place to be in, I understand that but if you find that you are consistently unlucky in terms of finding matches or people who want to date you, then a different approach is needed. The main focus should be on yourself and what makes you a desirable person. I think often times many people set very high standards for the type of person they want to be with and can be very picky in terms of who they want to date. That is great to know what you are looking for and setting the bar; however, are you also setting the bar that high for yourself? If the question is no, then how can one expect to attract the best matches or any match to begin with?

I come across this quite often when people tell me that they cannot really meet someone and it is very obvious the reason. The harsh reality is this: The person does not have much to offer. There could be one or many contributing factors that lead me to that conclusion such as a lack of self care, unhealthy habits, no clear career path, money problems, lack of self love, etc. In order to be ready for the dating world, wouldn’t one want to be able to offer their best version of themselves to the world? The first step is to become that best version of self because in the process of doing so, I can guarantee that you will automatically without putting any effort into impressing someone else attract someone who would want to pursue you. That essentially is how the law of attraction works. You put in the right positive energy (in this case, investing in yourself) and you attract that positive energy back your way.

At the end of the day, you need to be a catch before you can catch the best fish. 😉 This does not just apply to dating, this can apply to anything such as landing a job or receiving a promotion. You really need to focus on being a catch first and everything else will follow. You will be able to catch the best fish and by this I mean opportunities simply by putting in the work necessary to be best version of yourself. You also have to really want this for yourself before you focus on wanting to be with someone else. That should always be your first priority.

Reliability vs. Trust – How Are They Different and What is More Important?

I find it quite interesting that when you look up the words reliability and/or trust, that they can be considered synonyms for each other although their actual meanings are rather different. I suppose reliability can be a form of trust and vice versa but I will explain to you how they vary and my perspective on both.

Often times when you ask a person, what is most important within a relationship or friendship, the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is trust. I find that answer to be a valuable one but I mean, isn’t that a given? By that I mean, does anyone want to be with someone who they do not trust? I didn’t think so. At the same time, I recognize that people immediately give this response because there is no denying that it is an important quality and it is not always easy to find someone you can trust. It is also a very popular and generic answer, so why not go with it? A reason why I personally do not respond with trust as one of the most important factors is because I can control how much trust I have in an individual. We all have the capacity to control the levels in which we trust people–it is our personal choice at the end of the day. I can choose to trust someone to keep a secret or I can choose to not tell the person at all. I can choose to trust someone to be loyal to me (aka not cheat) or I can choose to not trust that person to be loyal in which I would not choose to be dating that person as it is against my moral code and values. My point is that trust is something we give to someone if we feel the person has earned it or we feel the person to be a trustworthy one.

When I look at the word reliability and determine whether a person is deemed as a reliable person, I associate this more with a person’s consistency and stability. Does the person show up to an event when they say they will or even show up at all? Does the person follow through with the things that they say and do? I find that this is a quality that we have very little control over in a person as someone is either reliable or they are not. Sure, someone can be reliable some of the time and sometimes not but then I would say that person really cannot be labeled as reliable unless it is a good majority of the time. It is for this reason when I am asked about important qualities I look for in a friend or someone I am dating, reliability is my number one answer. It is such an underrated quality yet so significant. I want someone who is reliable and I know I can count on (if not all the time, at least 9 times out of 10). Personally, I do not have much tolerance for people who are flakey, unpredictable, and who simply are not there as needed.

Everyone has their own set of values and standards when it comes to the type of people we want to attract into our lives. We should always be seeking people we can trust as that is a basic emotional necessity that goes without saying but we should also be seeking people who are known for their reliability.

To Love or Not to Love? – Who Should Say I Love You for the First Time in a Relationship Along with the When and How Often?

Expressing your love for someone can be done by your actions but those three little words in a romantic relationship can take it emotionally to great heights and bring two people that much closer to each other. However, often times people question when should it be said, especially for the first time. Of course you can simply, “Go with your feelings and say it to someone when you feel love towards that person” but I would follow some general guidelines before dropping the L-word for the first time. I want to point out that like most topics I write about, this is my general opinion based on life experience and there truly is no black and white answer to this one. Just keep that in mind before you proceed to reading this article as not everyone is going to agree with my point of view (and that’s okay–it is okay to agree to disagree and I embrace that).

In terms of who should say, “I love you” for the first time, without a doubt, I believe the man in the relationship should take lead and be the one to say it first. I am sure there are exceptions although I cannot think of any offhand but I tend to lean towards believing this due to gender roles. By that I look at it like this, if a man is capable of asking a girl out, pursuing the relationship, initiating physical intimacy, and essentially keeping the “chase” then I think they are fully capable of proclaiming their love for the first time. Never in my dating life have I been the one to tell a man in a relationship that I love him first. Even though there have been times I felt that way, I still chose not to say it because I also believe that if the relationship is meant to get to that place, then it will naturally happen when the time is right. Sure, I showed it through my actions but I always waited until the man said it first to me. Like many things in life, the wait is well worth it. I am willing to wait for the things that are most valuable to me. I can recall every single time it was said to me for the first time as I have a screenshot in my mind of that exact moment within the course of the relationship. If the man never says it to me, then he was not the man for me anyhow as this is something I do expect to be said over time.

In a romantic relationship, determining when to say it can truly vary. I have been in situations where it was said in as early as a few weeks or where it took many months. I would say this depends on how consistently you see the person so if you see a person a few times a week, then naturally I would expect two people will feel the love sooner because of the frequency of their encounters. In a distance relationship or situation where you might only get to see the person once or twice a month in the beginning, it might take longer to feel the love because you are still getting to know the person so saying it for the first time could very well be a longer process. I would say it is healthy to wait at least two months before telling a person you love them for the first time. I do not think it is necessary to say it that quickly no matter how intense the love can feel because even if you experience it rather instantly, you also want to make sure you still genuinely feel that way after a few months as sometimes it could be infatuation with that person which is not the same as loving someone. If you are dating for months and you are not emotionally in a place to say that yet, give it more time or consider if you still want to be with the person. You do not want to waste anyone’s time if you do not think it has the potential to reach love while you also should not say it for the sake of it and give it the time it needs for the love to grow towards that person. It can take many months or up to a year and that is okay. I would say that if you are dating someone for a year and still do not feel you love the person, you need to ask yourself some serious questions in regards to if the relationship has a future and if not, then the other person has a right to know where you stand or you should possibly consider breaking it off yourself.

Once you have officially said it for the time and it is reciprocated, I think it is healthy to say it on a fairly daily basis. I guess this depends on what is within each of your comfort zone. Some couples feel as though they do not need to say it everyday whereas other couples say it everyday as it has become a daily ritual to do so. I think once you have gotten to the stage where both people feel that way and are saying it to each other, it can definitely be said as often as you would like. Life is too short to not express love and gratitude towards the person you love which is why I think it is good to be generous in the ways you express it–not just verbally but with your actions too.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith Red Table Talk – Thoughts on Her “Entanglement” and What to Do if You Find Yourself in the Same Situation

When it comes to celebrity gossip, sometimes it grabs my attention but often times I do not know what is going on unless it makes some sort of headline news. For whatever reason, I kept seeing headlines regarding the relationship status of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith within the past 48 hours which lead me to do a little of my own research and find out what this whole “Red Table Talk” of theirs was all about. I could not tell you much about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith other than I know they have been married since the 90’s and seemed to be going strong although based on the recent headlines, I found out otherwise. More specifically, years ago she had an affair with August Alsina who is a singer and happens to be a friend of their son. The truth of the matter is, things might appear great on the surface but you truly do not ever know what goes on behind closed doors. Their relationship has proven to be an epic example of this. I realize their business is no one’s business but at the same time, they came out publicly and recorded their conversation to let people know what was going on between them. This leaves room to analyze the situation in which I will point out some things I picked up from what I watched. Again, I do not know all the details of their relationship and of course many details are kept private but I can at the very least make some observations of what I did learn from their recent discussion on Jada’s Red Table Talk which is a podcast you can find on Facebook.

The reason I find that this is worth bringing to the table (in this case written about in my blog) is because I would not categorize this as “Oh this only happens in celebrity relationships.” Whether in a stage of separation or not, basically an affair occurred and this unfortunately is quite common within personal relationships and even more sadly within marriages. I will point out some things that stood out to me from their public discussion and then share how I would handle the same situation.

Some quotes from Jada Pinkett Smith:

“I got into a different kind of entanglement with August.” – I am sorry but is “entanglement” a code word in 2020 for affair or relationship or just what exactly? That in and of itself is distasteful to me because we are adults here. Can we just call a spade a spade and just simply be straightforward and say, “I had an affair with August?” I do not understand why she cannot be more upfront and just say this out loud. Funny enough, Will Smith tries to call her out on that term and she still uses it!

“I just wanted to feel good.” – Jada justifies her actions for wanting to feel good. I understand if there is any type of friction or hardship in your current relationship/marriage, then you are going to rely on other sources for providing you that happiness or a “feel good” feeling. However, starting essentially a new relationship or as she labeled it a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex is just a recipe for disaster on many levels. I am sure it started out innocently but the problem is it allowed her to get too vulnerable which later lead to an affair. By that, I mean both emotional and physical cheating, just to put all the facts on the table.

“I learned so much about myself.” – Jada makes this statement but does not really elaborate on what exactly she learned about herself and more importantly, their relationship. If someone told me they cheated and then followed it with, “I learned so much about myself” — it is like, “Oh okay, that is nice you learned more about yourself but do you care about how that impacts our relationship?” Which leads me to the point that I have a major issue with the fact that NOT ONCE did she ever take ownership for her actions or apologize for the mistakes she has made along the way (aka having an affair). This shows to me a lack of empathy which is a huge red flag because that means she is unaware of how her actions affect other people and in this case her husband.

“One of the things that I am deeply grateful for between you and I is that we really have gotten to that place of unconditional love.” – I would not say this is “unconditional love.” Maybe on Will’s end because despite everything that has happened, he is willing to stay and make it work. (To be honest, I do not even think I could call this unconditional love but rather a lack of love towards himself which I will further explain later). For Jada, I do not think her actions have really proven that she has an unconditional love towards her husband. I would say a lack of respect towards him and their marriage, yes. Perhaps if she made some type of an apology or had any hint of remorse, I could reconsider my viewpoint but that was not the case based on what she said publicly.

Okay so now what? What to do if you are in a similar situation? If it were me:

Personally, my perception of self tells me that I deserve the very best, I have a lot to offer to the right person, and I am a hot commodity (lol I know that might come off a smidge conceited but when I say that, I am just saying that I can attract someone new if I really wanted to). So if within a committed relationship, a person is betraying my trust, not empathetic towards my feelings, and has no respect for their relationship with me, how is it possible for me to stay with that person? For one, that is not what I define as a commitment. Furthermore, it is in COMPLETE contradiction of my perception of self and what I want to attract in my life. A guy having a sidepiece (temporary or not) in addition to me? THAT IS A HUGE HELL NO!!! I am all or nothing with most things in life, especially my relationships. If someone cannot provide me their all, then I want nothing.

At the end of the day, I love myself greater than anyone I could ever choose to be with. I generate my own personal happiness with or without someone. People need to get in that place with themselves where they are completely in acceptance and love with self and their life. That is not an easy place to get to for most people but like anything in life, you work on it! You work on bettering yourself, you work on focusing on what brings you true happiness, and you work towards your life goals.

Walking away is never easy, especially when a good length of time is invested (in their case, 25 years)! However, when you love yourself and know what your self worth is, it is a rather easy decision to want to move on. By settling, you are settling on mediocrity and that just doesn’t cut it for me. I strive for excellence, not mediocrity. If you set the bar high, you will not be in a place of settling for anything less than what you authentically desire.

Although time can heal most situations and so can therapy, I do not think I could really fully recover from someone cheating on me and have any inclination to “make it work” with that person. Those actions cannot be taken back and the emotional pain endured just does not make it worth it for me to stick around. I could maybe keep things cordial but ultimately, the final decision would be to let the person go and create a brighter future for myself.

The Law of Least Effort – Why it Often Works and Ways to Apply it in a Relationship

The expression “less is more” applies to many things in life and when it comes to dating, I think this is especially true. I don’t want you to think that this means you should not be putting in any effort whatsoever but to instead possess a less is more mentality which can be much more beneficial in the long run. This leads into why I want to share the principle known as the Law of Least Effort. I would describe this to apply to someone who does not apply much effort into something (or in this case, someone) but manages to maximize their results. I know you are probably wondering, how is that possible–shouldn’t you always apply yourself 100% or more to get everything you want in life? Of course there is no denying that but life is also situational in which there are certain instances where you are actually way better off taking a few steps back and not doing as much, especially when it comes to attraction psychology.

To take it a step further, I want to specifically focus on how the Law of Least Effort is beneficial in the dating world and ways to apply this way of thinking. It is essentially adapting a cool confidence within your interactions and trusting the process. Many people are constantly seeking instant gratification or trying to force things upon others which is counterintuitive and the complete opposite of what the Law of Least Effort is all about.

Stop Imposing Your Dating Agenda – I think it is more common for women to make this mistake where they will go on a first date or early on upon meeting someone tell a guy who they don’t even really know all too well about their marriage/family goals–how they want to be married in a year with three kids. I think it is great to have these goals in your mind and I absolutely encourage people to think about their future but it is way too soon to unload all that onto someone you just met. If this sort of conversation comes up organically, I suppose it is good to be honest with your dating motives but I would advise a way more cautious and effortless approach to your answer so you also do not appear so desperate. Something along the lines of, “If I meet the right person, I would be open to a meaningful relationship. I prefer to take things one step at a time and just seeing where it goes.” This is not only a realistic and rational minded response but a very low effort mindset (ex: “just seeing where it goes”) where it conveys there is the intent of building a meaningful relationship but not in a way where your entire life is dependent on it. If it happens, it happens but you are not going to force it into fruition and most importantly, you are NOT attached to the outcome of the dating situation.

Continue to Live Your Independent Life – It is very common for people to start adapting to the person they are dating by picking up some of their habits or even some of their hobbies. There is nothing wrong with that in particular but it is extremely important to still live your own life where you still have your own routine and do the things that make you happy. When someone sees you are fully capable of living your life on your terms and you are not going to put all this effort into catering to the other person, this conveys a tremendous amount respect and the other person will value your time more. It is when you give too much of your time away that you get taken for granted and/or treated like a doormat. Those who practice the Law of Least Effort are never ones to be labeled as a doormat.

Avoid One Sided Communication – By this I am referring to developing communication that is balanced rather than blowing up the other person’s phone all the time. I think communication should be like a tennis match, the ball is in my court and then I hit it back on the other person’s court. I am not going to hit a series of balls in a row to the other person if the ball has not come back to my court yet. For example, if you are making a phone call and the person did not pick up, it is okay to leave a voicemail if you choose to but don’t then try to call back within the hour and send ten follow up text messages. That is way too much effort (and neediness) on your end! It is important to trust that the person will get back to you when they have the moment. If they broke a communication pattern in which you think they are in an emergency situation, then by all means, it is okay to make multiple attempts and through various methods but on a day-to-day basis, everything will be okay. There really is no need to overextend yourself in general but especially in terms of your communication patterns.

I want to point out something interesting about what I just mentioned. If you notice the other person is not as communicative as you are and it provokes you to want to do more to get their attention or hit them up more (which I am telling you NOT TO DO), notice that they are essentially applying the Law of Least Effort, whether it is intentional or not–ON YOU! You notice how by them not being in as frequent contact, it makes you want to do something about it to keep the connection going? Interesting how effectively this works, isn’t it? 😉

Just Be Your Most Authentic Self at All Times – It is unfortunate when you see someone try too hard to impress someone else even if that means not being true to oneself. If you find you have to make many personal sacrifices or changes just to keep someone in your life, that is way too much effort and not realistically sustainable over time. Chances are that you will either go back to your old ways or form resentment over time towards the other person. No one should ever be trying that hard just to gain acceptance from someone they are dating as the right person will genuinely accept you for who you are–both the good and the bad.

Leave Their Past in the Past – Unless their past is currently impacting their present life such as a lingering ex who is still in the picture, there is really no need to dig too deep into a person’s past dating life. It is okay to be curious and have some casual discussions about it as it could heavily influence who they are today but spending your free time going through their social media contacts or doing a Google search on everyone they recently dated before you is wasted time and effort. The biggest focus should be on the present moment with that person rather than trying to dig up skeletons in their closet.

At the end of the day, the bottom line is that you should not be in a position where you are putting in an extreme amount of effort to start a relationship, get a person to like you, or throughout the course of a relationship. By applying the Law of Least Effort, you will notice that there is much to gain by putting it into practice such as respect, confidence, and a boost of attraction towards you.