Category Archives: Communication

Is There Such a Thing As Being Too Possessive?

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It is natural to be with someone and feel possessive of them because of your commitment and loyalty to this person. This can be a positive thing but it is important to keep an eye out when you are feeling overly possessive of the person or perhaps someone is being too possessive of you. It is important to be consciously aware of this because being too possessive within a relationship can easily turn into a toxic one. To prevent this from happening, it is important to establish healthy boundaries from day one. If you are dating someone and they do not let you do basic activities by yourself like going to the gym or hanging out with a friend, this is definitely a red flag that should not be ignored. You might want to question the cause of this or you might decide that this isn’t the relationship for you.

Typically, if you notice someone is overly possessive, it can stem from deep insecurities or trust issues. For example, someone might feel that the other person can easily steal their mate away which would explain why there is this need to be overly possessive. Even though it might appear very irrational to feel this way, for someone that is insecure, this is a common fear that usually doesn’t go away. On the other hand, someone might have been cheated on previously which would explain why there would be trust issues moving forward. This would also cause someone to be very possessive in hopes of never being cheated on again.

No matter what the cause is, as I mentioned previously, it is important to be aware of this as an issue. While being possessive might appear as though the person is extra caring, it can later turn into manipulation and controlling behavior where the person needs to know your every move in order for them to feel secure within the relationship. This is not healthy and it is important to confront the issue immediately. If the person is not receptive to changing or understanding how it can be a problem in the future, it might be wise to end the relationship altogether.

“I Can’t Give You the Love That You Need” – What This Really Means and What to Do About It

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In the dating world, there are many ways in which people express that they are not interested in progressing a relationship, looking for anything serious, or perhaps breaking off an existing relationship. A common expression that is often said to express one of the things listed is: “I can’t give you the love that you need.” While no one wants to face reality, it is an indirect way for the person to say that they are not interested–bottom line. If someone really cared about the person, then no matter what their life circumstances were, this person would find a way to make it work because they are INTERESTED. It is important to recognize when someone is not interested, especially when it is spelled out that the best thing to do is to accept it and move on.

In certain situations, it can also mean that the person feels that the other person requires a level of love that is hard to give and they do not feel that they have a way to match the love that they might be receiving in return. It is important to notice here that the person is also NOT choosing to put in the effort that is needed which also signifies that the underlying issue here is that there is no interest.

No matter what the reason is, it is important to take it at face value that the other person does not want to build a romantic relationship in any capacity and to both go separate ways. There is no need to ask the person what this means, beg them back, or try to convince them to stay. It is never worth it. This is actually a blessing when a person says this because there is enough clarity in knowing that it is best to move on altogether. If you are in a position where you feel this way, there is nothing wrong with saying this to someone but I still feel it is better to be more authentic and honest if possible while also being respectful and polite.

My Thoughts on Privacy and Trust Within Relationships

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When it comes to trust, I have always preached that I believe that trust is a choice. In other words, you have control of who to trust as opposed to just equally choosing to trust or not trust someone. At the same time, you also have the choice in which you want to keep your own privacy. It is your right to keep something private if that is what feels most comfortable to you.

Within any relationship, the goal is to form a bond where two people feel they can trust each other while also respecting each other’s privacy when asked for it. It is a form of manipulation if someone guilt trips you into telling them something or doing something out of your comfort zone by saying that you should automatically trust them. It can take some time for someone to be able to trust so it is important to respect that and to have patience. No one should take this too personally because trust is something to be earned. It is okay to inquire about the other person’s reasoning if you are concerned about there being a lack of trust but the best thing to do is to be both receptive accepting of their response as opposed to being reactive, upset, angry, and/or disappointed. A negative response can result in resentment along with more reason to be distrustful.

Also keep in mind that if you are in a situation where you feel the need to overstep boundaries and betray the person’s trust such as going into the other person’s email, text messages, social media, etc. then that means you have very little trust in this person and it might be a good time to reconsider keeping this person in your life. On the other hand, maybe this is a time to dig deep from within to see what would provoke you to do this. Did someone betray your trust in the past? Do you have a problem building trust in general? If it stems from an insecurity or paranoia on your part where the other person did not do anything wrong or signal that something was wrong, then this is something that you might need to work on. I think going behind someone’s back to look through their stuff is a betrayal of trust and it can be expected that any trust that was in place could be at risk of totally being broken and could also create a wall between you and this person. It is understandable to be curious or to question a person’s intentions from time to time but it is much better to approach a person with your trust concerns than going ahead and investigating on your own and betraying someone’s trust in order to provide you security or to confirm any suspicions you might have. Remember that with trust, it is both give and take. In order to receive trust, you must be able to give the other person your trust in return while also taking the right actions to prove that you are a trustworthy individual to begin with.

People Are Not Mind Readers – Be Authentic With Your Intentions and Thoughts

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The world would be a much better place if people actually spoke their mind and expressed themselves. I find that there are many people who shy away from the truth and/or do not say what they are thinking as they tend to think that the other person has the emotional intuition to read their minds or they simply are trying to conceal their thoughts. The truth is, most people are NOT mind readers. While some are very good at reading others and do not need a concrete explanation at all times in order to interpret someone, why create a guessing game? I think women are especially guilty of this. They have no problem venting to their girlfriends about an issue they are having with their significant other when it would be MUCH more effective and beneficial if they just told their significant other how they felt and would come to a solution much faster. Men tend to do this in other ways where they are not clear with their intentions and then women are left making the wrong assumptions about their relationship status.

People should not be afraid of being themselves and expressing their thoughts with anyone whom they are close to. It is the key to building strong communication and in better understanding one another. Although it is natural to not want to talk about things that are taboo or could potentially cause friction, it is still essential to be authentic and speak up, even if that means the truth can hurt at times or it goes against the other person’s point of view. Everyone should make a proactive effort to express themselves (again, even if it appears to be negative or bad at times) because it is for the greater good of any relationship–whether it is with a friend, family member, work partner, spouse, etc. Instead of expecting someone to instantly know why you are mad or upset, why not tell the person directly? Even someone like myself who is relatively emotionally intelligent, I would never classify myself as a mind reader and would prefer someone to be extremely straightforward with me. By doing so, I not only better understand the person much better but I also find the person even more honorable and trustworthy by doing so. That is why it is extremely important to always be authentic with your thoughts because not only do they matter but doing so will build your character in a positive way and ultimately create a stronger bond with someone.

Good Dating Rule to Follow: No Effort? – No Interest

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I read this recently — “no effort, no interest” and thought that this concept was not only concise but brilliant. If people took the time to follow this basic principle, they would save themselves from a lot of heartache and wasted time. If someone is not showing interest, while the natural instinct might be to chase more or to ask where you stand or to do more for the other person in order to feel validated, the BEST thing you could do is not engage anymore and to move on. Why stay interested in someone who is not putting in any effort or that gives you a feeling of uncertainty? I understand how hard it is to fight human nature but if you can make a conscious effort to move forward and not waste your time, you would be in a much better spiritual place.

When you are dating someone new, usually the signs are clear from the beginning whether or not the person is showing enough interest or not. Sometimes you will notice someone put in a lot of effort in the very beginning but as time goes on, the person might slowly drift away. Again, rather than trying very hard to hold onto this existing connection, it is best to let it go as soon as you notice the person is starting to put in less effort. If the person wants to keep you in their lives, then this person will find a way to do so without you having to put in all the work all the time. It is also important to remind yourself that we live in a very abundant world so for every door that closes, there is not only another one but a better one ready to be opened. People often forget about this when they are in the dating world and just want to hold onto the one person that is not giving them the level of interest that is desired because they do not realize that there is a much better connection out there for them. As soon as you notice a person is not putting in any effort or showing enough interest, then you should no longer be interested! Just cut your losses and keep it moving–bottom line.

Remember that this rule should apply to everyone! For example, if you are trying to win back an ex and they are showing zero interest in keeping you in your life, why bother trying anymore? Just cut the cord and this person out of your life altogether! Remember that this person is labeled an “ex” for a reason. I know that it is easily said than done but the sooner you can move on from this person, the sooner you can progress by working on yourself or getting yourself in a place where you are ready to start a new relationship. So the next time you are in a situation where someone is putting in little to no effort into their relationship with you, that is your cue to back off and lose interest because this person is not meeting your standards and/or ultimately giving you the validation that you are deserving of.

What to Do When Someone Is Pulling Away And How to Prevent This From Happening In the First Place

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When you form a positive connection with someone, it is natural to want to spend as much of your time with this person to further establish a stronger bond. While this is a good feeling to have from the get go–it is still important to consciously PACE the relationship and to fight the urge of wanting to give all your attention to this person. Why? For starters, by giving all your attention too soon, it shows a high level of emotional dependency when you do not even know the person all too well yet. This for some is not only overwhelming but also could turn someone off altogether if they sense that the other person is too clingy too soon. As a result, the connection can end as fast as it seemingly progressed at the beginning or you can find that the other person is drifting away from you altogether.

The best way to prevent someone from ghosting or pulling away as I mentioned above is to remember to always PACE the speed in which your relationship develops. In other words, don’t invest yourself entirely and take your time in getting to know someone. Even if it appears that the other person is moving fast, it is up to you to be in control of the situation and continue to pace the relationship. For example, if the person is in the habit of calling you everyday, you are not obligated to pick up the call 100% of the time because you are entitled to be busy and live your life away from your this person. You should not be consistently waiting by the phone and you should also be able to resist from time to time. You can always call the person back at a time that works for you. If you find that you are already developing an emotional dependency, this is where you need to examine deep from within and figure out ways to consciously break this pattern. This not only is an unhealthy way to form any relationship but it definitely creates a LACK OF ATTRACTION over time. Why? When you are too giving of yourself, the other person tends to take you for granted and not find you as interesting because they already know everything about you without having to put in too much of their own effort. Women in particular tend to treat men like boyfriends when they haven’t even established there is a committed relationship by doing things such as cooking for them, doing their chores, and essentially become their doormat. This is NEVER attractive to either gender might I add. No one wants to be with a doormat because deep down, these people tend to have lower standards, low self worth, and are exceptionally clingy. Unless you have two people who are equally clingy by nature, then there is a shot but the average person tends to get sick of being with someone who is too clingy. Maybe the overly kind gestures and demonstrations of love are APPRECIATED but appreciation and love and two different things in my opinion. You can appreciate someone very much but never fall in love with the person. As I point out all the time, you cannot love someone into falling in love with you. That’s just not how the process works! Maybe in fairytales and romance novels but not in real life.

If you notice someone is starting to pull away, it is natural to want to chase or approach the person to find out what’s wrong but you should always fight this inclination. You should pull away as well and/or do nothing about it. It is better to mirror their behavior and back off as well because by doing so, their behavior will be very telling. If the person goes out of their way to stay in contact by keeping the connection going, then this person most likely still has an interest. If you notice the person continues to create space by pulling away from you, then it is obvious that this person is not all too interested in which you have your answer and can begin to move on as well. While oftentimes, I feel that talking things out is best for gaining clarity, sometimes the signs are in front of your face and it is just a matter of picking up the signs as they come along with examining the other person’s actions.

Is It Worth Emotionally Investing In Someone Who Has Trust Issues?

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Sometimes you will encounter someone who flat out expresses that they have trust issues or you will notice that the person is very guarded where it is hard to really connect with them. It is important to keep in mind that some people will use this as an excuse or a way to further deter developing a connection from moving forward with you rather than expressing there is a lack of interest. If a person legitimately has trust issues, the important thing to do first is to examine the cause of this–if possible. Topics can include discussing the person’s childhood or if they have previously been in relationships where there was a lack of trust and/or they were betrayed. This will not only give you a better understanding but also give you more clarity in regards to whether or not you can further develop a serious relationship with this person over time.

Another thing to consider is that if someone has a lot of trust issues, this could be a sign that they cannot be trusted either. For example, if you meet someone who constantly is accusing you of cheating when there is no rational reason behind it, it could be because this person has a history of this (or on the other hand, as I mentioned previously, that they have experienced being cheated on and now are extra paranoid it could happen again). If this is the case where their trust issues stem from the fact that they are guilty of doing things that are distrustful, then it is clear that this is not the type of person you should emotionally invest in.

Some people are also naturally more guarded than others where they just do not trust people immediately and need to take extra time in getting to know someone in order to feel close and to build trust. In these types of scenarios, this is okay and just requires extra patience on your part. If you feel that there is both a genuine and mutual connection between the two of you–where progress is being made as you continue to spend more quality time together, then it is worth sticking around to see where things go and to continue to emotional invest. It is important to sense that there is movement in a relationship where it is going places as opposed to staying stagnant. If you feel that the other person still has their guard up and it has been challenging for them to open up with you, it might be best to move on and pursue a healthy relationship where you can both build trust together.

The Smart Way for Women to Determine Their Relationship Status Without Having to Ask – (It’s Not What You Think)

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In the dating world, I would say women often find themselves in situations where they are casually dating a man who they really like and while he may be giving all the signs that he is interested, there is one crucial gray area that is left uncertain–Are you both exclusively dating aka in a committed relationship? When a woman finds herself uncertain, it is natural that after a certain amount of time, she has “the talk” with the guy to see if they are on the same page and whether or not this “relationship” (in quotes because it is not confirmed just yet if it is a real relationship or not) has a future. While there is nothing wrong with wondering and wanting to have this conversation with a man, more often than not, if you are left in total confusion despite the so-called positive signs, there is a huge chance that the answer is NO. Reason being, when you are with the right person, things naturally progress as time goes on and there should not be any uncertainty in terms of where you stand in a man’s life. If you are dating a man who puts you in a mental state where you actually have to confront him and ask, then this is probably NOT the man for you. If you still believe that there is a chance and it is worth pursuing “the talk,” just be prepared that the outcome could go either way. If you are okay with potentially setting yourself up for total rejection, then by all means ask–even though it is already pretty predictable that the answer is probably going to be a no already. So instead of ASKING for clarification, there are much better ways to go about getting answers without coming off as needy and emotionally dependent on the man to validate that this very well is a serious relationship. The question is, how?

You need to put yourself in a dating situation where the MAN has to ask YOU what the status is and he is left to wonder, “Does this girl like me and want to pursue a relationship with me?” Your perception is everything so if you believe that a man should be asking you these questions instead of you being the one to have to ask, then you need to take the right actions in order to essentially FLIP THE TABLE on the guy where he is pursuing you while also being left wondering if you will commit to him. There are actually many things you can proactively do in order to create this dating scenario.

Date Multiple People at the Same Time – When a woman meets someone new and who she really likes, she tends to put all her eggs in one basket and dates this guy exclusively by giving him girlfriend privileges without establishing that she is even in a relationship with this guy. As far as I am concerned, if you are casually dating and there are no labels or discussions about a future, consider yourself SINGLE. Seriously. It is better to NOT assume that you are in a committed relationship with this guy, despite how much you like him and to go about your daily life which could include meeting up with other men. This is not cheating if you are only dating casually because for all you know, he could be doing the same thing too. There is nothing wrong with keeping your options OPEN ladies! It is best to date around which gives you the upper hand in your dating life and to also see who really is left standing at the end. The right person is going to want to commit to you at the end of the day and remember that this could take time so just be patient with the process and create an abundant dating life for yourself for the time being. This way, you are not left dwelling on the one man who might not even be so serious about you to begin with.

Don’t Be So Available – I see it all the time where women give so much of their time and literally jump through hoops for a man’s attention. For example, just because a guy calls you at a certain time everyday does not mean you are obligated to take the call 100% of the time. This is a huge mistake in my opinion. I understand that it is good to keep the connection going but by always being by the phone signals to the man that you are always ready to take his calls at the drop of a hat and you might not have much of a life which is not all too attractive. Generally speaking, being TOO giving, especially in the very beginning oftentimes has the OPPOSITE effect in the long run. Why? It conveys emotional neediness, dependency issues, and potentially a lack of self love. I say that because there should be a relatively equal give and take within a relationship as opposed to someone giving up all their time and energy so easily and so soon. A woman who lacks self love will often make a ton of sacrifices even if that means sacrificing their own best interests just to keep the man in the picture. This is not a good habit and something to be mindful of! If you are busy, it is okay to express that because the guy should be understanding of your time and know that you will eventually get back to him when you are available again. This also establishes healthy boundaries from the start which is a good thing.

Less is Always More – The less you do, the more you gain! Ladies, please trust me on this basic principle even if it sounds counterintuintive! Let me give you an example. Have you ever noticed that the men whom you have very little interest in or perhaps a pesky ex who does not get the hint that it is over will chase you constantly when you are not even responding or doing a thing to show that you are interested? They keep persisting even though in many cases, you want nothing to do with them? There is a reason for this. By ignoring them, it is creating a motivating force from within to pursue you even more and to work even harder to gain any ounce of your time and validation. It is for this reason that you should apply this same principle to the actual people who you DO like. I am not saying to outright ignore the guy at all times but what I am saying is to not go out of your way to be the first one to text how his day is going or to form a connection. Again, you need to leave HIM wondering what you are up to. Don’t be scared that if there are long gaps of space between your interactions, then he will forget about you–quite the contrary. If he is interested, he will be thinking about you even more and will probably go out of his way to keep the connection going–which is a good sign. If you notice that he continues to reduce his level of contact as time goes on, then you have your answer and can happily move on. Remember that when someone is genuinely interested, providing space is not going to deter the person from pursuing, it will actually do the opposite by keeping the attraction up and propelling the person to take action in order to fill the gaps.

5 Tips for Choosing the Best Photos For an Online Dating Profile

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When it comes to online dating, there is no denying that people are going to scroll through your photos and base their decision on whether or not you appear to be a good match simply just by looking at your photos. Some people won’t even take the time to read your content so that is why you should put some effort in choosing the best photos that not only highlight your best features but also convey what you are like in real life. It can be hard to determine which photos are best but here are some helpful tips to help you put your best face forward so to speak if you decide to pursue online dating.

Make Sure Your Photos are Current – I personally believe that people should only post photos of themselves from the past six months. When I used to have a dating profile, I made sure everything fell within the six month mark because the best representation of yourself is your current self. How often have you or have you met someone that said that they went on a date with someone who looked nothing like their photos or that their photos looked like they were taken as far as a decade ago? I understand most people tend to look their best in their younger years but it is always best to display images that are recent so that if you ever do end up meeting in person, you are still recognizable from the photos that you shared.

Feature a Mix of Face and Full Body Photos – Although it might go without saying, many people often fail to showcase photos of themselves that include both their face and their full body. I think it is important to show both to convey transparency and so that people have a better sense of how you look if you were to meet up in person. If you are not in as good shape as you used to be, it is still better to show what you look like now than before so that the other person does not feel that you falsely advertised what you look like.

Choose Photos that Convey Your Interests – It is a good idea to post photos with backgrounds to show your interests and passions in life. For example, if you love to ski, then think about posting some photos of yourself during your last ski trip. If you love music, it doesn’t hurt to post photos of yourself from a concert that you went to. Chances are, someone with the same interests will be more intrigued in getting to know you better just based upon some of your shared interests.

Avoid Overly Revealing Photos – It is common to see people post revealing photos which can give off the wrong impression along with sending the wrong message to anyone who is looking at them. It can convey that a person is attention seeking or just looking for a cheap hook up. Even if that’s not the case, unfortunately, that’s how it can be interpreted. To avoid sending mixed messages or giving off a negative first impression, it is much wiser to shy away from posting those types of photos in its entirety.

When in Doubt, Ask For a Second Opinion – If you are unsure if the photos that you are posting are good enough to post, it does not hurt to ask a friend or someone who you are close to for their honest feedback. A photo that you might find flattering, someone might point out that you can post an even better photo which is why it never hurts to ask for a second opinion.

Dating Advice for Men – Build Intimacy and Invest Emotionally at the Same Time

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Last week, I wrote an article for women with some dating advice and decided to follow up this week with a dating advice blog for men. While certain advice applies to both genders, there is certain advice that is gender specific. I wrote previously about how women are motivated by relationships that lead to marriage; however, with men–it is safe to say that most men are motivated to connect with women on a physical level. There is nothing wrong with that but what creates a divide is when men rush that phase of the process and/or fail to focus on the emotional connection as well. Most women do not want to be objectified by men or feel as though that men are only looking to hook up with them. Many men make the mistake of coming on too strong physically whether that is with their actions or their words. This can easily turn off a woman in its entirety or she will just come to the conclusion that the guy is not a serious guy along with labeling him as a waste of her time and moving on to a better catch.

This leads to a very important question: How do men avoid this from happening and become the ultimate catch in the eyes of the woman of their interest? First and foremost, as I want to point out from the start, it is essential to actually BE A CATCH! From there, men can work on certain skills to improve their dating lives because as we all know–good looks, success, money, assets, etc. are never enough if a man does not know how to treat a woman. Men need to learn to also be patient with the process like women but for different reasons. They need to build intimacy slowly (in other words, do not rush the pace of their physical relationship) AND invest emotionally at the same time. It is possible to create genuine intimacy through physical touch such as holding hands, cuddling, kissing, hugging, etc. WITHOUT sex being involved. I truly believe that intimacy is the key to creating natural attraction and developing an attachment between two people which ultimately can lead to both a long term relationship and an incredibly satisfying physical one as well over time when it is supposed to. While I tell women not to rush into serious relationships, the same goes for men to stop rushing into a physical relationship with a woman without taking the proper time that is needed to actually get to know her and to bond with her by establishing a deep emotional connection first.

If you authentically like a woman and are pursuing her for the right reasons, it is important to SHOW her this by being consistent in your efforts when emotionally investing in her while building intimacy without pushing the envelope when it comes to having a physical relationship with her right away. This also creates trust and will make her feel more comfortable with you when she is ready to take the relationship to the next level. Even if she is open to exploring a physical relationship with you after a short time of knowing you, I still recommend denying her of sex to make it clear that you are not interested in her for a casual relationship and that you want to continue to better get to know each other first. In return, this will also earn more of her RESPECT towards you and most likely make her feel even more attracted to you (yes, it is amazing how reverse psychology often works as it does here). As always, remember to TRUST THE PROCESS because anything worth your while will take time so you might as well enjoy it while continuing to stay confident in your abilities to manifest your desires!