Tag Archives: modern dating

Navigating Expectations Within Relationships – Why It Is Important to Find a Healthy Balance

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When it comes to expectations, I find that people tend to either set them too high or too low. It is definitely good to set expectations in general as opposed to not setting them at all but there is such a thing as setting expectations that are too high. When it comes to personal relationships, it is important to make a conscious effort in finding a healthy balance with your expectations. It is natural to place high expectations on a new relationship or when you meet someone new whom you really like. While you might have a mental checklist of exactly what you are looking for in a mate, the reality is, no one is perfect and no one is going to fit every single item on your checklist. That is why I emphasize that the key is BALANCE when navigating your expectations or otherwise you are always going to be left unhappy–no matter who you’re with.

I recommend taking the time to develop a realistic list of expectations of what matters to you most but to also keep your mind open to other people’s differences. While it is great being able to find a person with many similarities, sometimes contrasting traits will enhance the relationship and still ensure that there is compatibility because they will compliment each other. A common example of this is if someone is more extroverted, this person will tend to connect better with someone who is more introverted. When developing any healthy relationship, it is essential to have the capacity of adapting to others while also being flexible. As I mentioned previously, being too rigid and/or setting your expectations too high will typically result in major disappointment and unhappiness which all could have been avoided.

If you do find that you are dating someone who doesn’t meet any of your expectations–in other words, this person has more negative qualities than positive qualities, then you have every right to want to cut your losses and move on. There is no point in settling with being someone who does not live up to any of your expectations and mislead the other person into thinking that you are invested in the relationship when you already know ultimately that you are not interested due to unmet expectations.

How Important Is It to Date Someone With the Same Health Habits As You?

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When it comes to health and wellness, some people definitely prioritize their health more than others while some people do not care about their health whatsoever. While I do think it is very difficult to find someone who totally shares the same views and habits in regards to their health, it is definitely possible to find someone who has a similar lifestyle. The question is, how much does this matter in a relationship?

I would compare health and fitness to religion, where it is something that could matter significantly and when there are contrasting views, it can cause some conflicts and tension over time. If you have someone who is very health conscious, this person can grow very resentful over time if their partner is not and can feel like they are a burden by their poor health decisions. The person who is less healthy can also grow resentful of their partner if they feel that their healthier partner cannot accept them for themselves and that their significant other is trying to change them to become more healthy. I can see how both parties could get frustrated at each other for different reasons. I think the underlying issue here is a lack of ACCEPTANCE and/or unrealistic expectations. When two people love each other, they should find a way to accept each other which means accepting the good and the bad traits. If two people learn to accept each other, then this would never become a major issue in a relationship. While I also believe that setting expectations in a relationship can be a positive thing, it is not positive if you set an unrealistic expectation to change someone who most likely will not change their habits. The only way a change can be made is if the person intrinsically wants to change and not trying to change because the other person is pushing them to.

At the same time, if you detect early on within a relationship that a person does not have the same views and/or habits as you when it comes to health and this is something that is extremely important to you, I advise it is best to move on and to look for someone who can be on the same page as you. It is better to break it off and find a partner who is in alignment with your lifestyle as opposed to trying to change the person because as I mentioned previously, the person most likely will not change. You will be much happier in the long run and feel closer to your partner when you are with someone who has very similar health habits as you–given that is a high priority in your life.

Is There Such a Thing As Being Too Possessive?

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It is natural to be with someone and feel possessive of them because of your commitment and loyalty to this person. This can be a positive thing but it is important to keep an eye out when you are feeling overly possessive of the person or perhaps someone is being too possessive of you. It is important to be consciously aware of this because being too possessive within a relationship can easily turn into a toxic one. To prevent this from happening, it is important to establish healthy boundaries from day one. If you are dating someone and they do not let you do basic activities by yourself like going to the gym or hanging out with a friend, this is definitely a red flag that should not be ignored. You might want to question the cause of this or you might decide that this isn’t the relationship for you.

Typically, if you notice someone is overly possessive, it can stem from deep insecurities or trust issues. For example, someone might feel that the other person can easily steal their mate away which would explain why there is this need to be overly possessive. Even though it might appear very irrational to feel this way, for someone that is insecure, this is a common fear that usually doesn’t go away. On the other hand, someone might have been cheated on previously which would explain why there would be trust issues moving forward. This would also cause someone to be very possessive in hopes of never being cheated on again.

No matter what the cause is, as I mentioned previously, it is important to be aware of this as an issue. While being possessive might appear as though the person is extra caring, it can later turn into manipulation and controlling behavior where the person needs to know your every move in order for them to feel secure within the relationship. This is not healthy and it is important to confront the issue immediately. If the person is not receptive to changing or understanding how it can be a problem in the future, it might be wise to end the relationship altogether.

“I Can’t Give You the Love That You Need” – What This Really Means and What to Do About It

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In the dating world, there are many ways in which people express that they are not interested in progressing a relationship, looking for anything serious, or perhaps breaking off an existing relationship. A common expression that is often said to express one of the things listed is: “I can’t give you the love that you need.” While no one wants to face reality, it is an indirect way for the person to say that they are not interested–bottom line. If someone really cared about the person, then no matter what their life circumstances were, this person would find a way to make it work because they are INTERESTED. It is important to recognize when someone is not interested, especially when it is spelled out that the best thing to do is to accept it and move on.

In certain situations, it can also mean that the person feels that the other person requires a level of love that is hard to give and they do not feel that they have a way to match the love that they might be receiving in return. It is important to notice here that the person is also NOT choosing to put in the effort that is needed which also signifies that the underlying issue here is that there is no interest.

No matter what the reason is, it is important to take it at face value that the other person does not want to build a romantic relationship in any capacity and to both go separate ways. There is no need to ask the person what this means, beg them back, or try to convince them to stay. It is never worth it. This is actually a blessing when a person says this because there is enough clarity in knowing that it is best to move on altogether. If you are in a position where you feel this way, there is nothing wrong with saying this to someone but I still feel it is better to be more authentic and honest if possible while also being respectful and polite.

How to Build Attraction Without Playing Games

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Oftentimes people are under the impression that you need to play games in order to build attraction or to allow for someone to develop stronger feelings for you. While on the surface, there might seem to be some truth to that, the truth of the matter is, when you are looking to establish a genuine connection with someone, the good news is that you will find that you do not need to play games in order to become closer to this person. The progression should come naturally because the connection is MUTUAL. This is the key to any healthy relationship that most people tend to overlook. When you are more into someone than they are into you, this can cause the need to play games when ultimately it is actually a game over from the start and it is best to move on to find someone who likes you just as much as you like them.

Actually Be an Attractive Catch – I know this might seem like an obvious thing in terms of building attraction but you would be amazed at how many people do not put in the work that is needed to actually be a catch. While this can apply to the physical outer appearance, I am more referring to the spiritual value that you add to a relationship. Many people have a high bar of what they want and what they find attractive in a partner but then they have very little to offer in return. The problem with this is that by setting unrealistic expectations, you will always be left disappointed. That is why it is a necessity to put even more energy into developing yourself first before going out and trying to find someone that you are trying to attract. You need to be attractive in order to attract others–plain and simple advice that should go without saying but is still good to reiterate.

Be as Authentic and Honest from Day One – People often feel that they cannot be themselves from the start because they are afraid of scaring the other person away which causes the person to play games to earn the other person’s attention. The problem with this tactic is that you are not being your authentic self if you feel the need to play games. It is much wiser to be honest and express your thoughts at all times. If this scares the person away, then that should be seen as a GREAT thing because this means that they were not meant to stay in your life and you just saved yourself time that you could have utilized towards self improvement or getting to know someone who appreciates you.

Pace the Relationship and Take Things Slow – It is natural to fall for someone instantly but keep in mind that it could take the other person a longer time to feel the same way while it is also important to not let infatuation hinder you from making the right dating decisions. In other words, it is easy to be attracted to someone but once you actually take the time to get to know the person, you might find that the person is not as attractive to you as you had thought upon meeting each other. Some of the very best relationships move at what appears to be a snail’s pace but there is nothing wrong with that! As the common expression goes, “slow and steady wins the race” and this definitely applies to relationships. It is better to pace the relationship and not rush the process as opposed to playing games or trying to manipulate the other person into liking you.

People Are Not Mind Readers – Be Authentic With Your Intentions and Thoughts

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The world would be a much better place if people actually spoke their mind and expressed themselves. I find that there are many people who shy away from the truth and/or do not say what they are thinking as they tend to think that the other person has the emotional intuition to read their minds or they simply are trying to conceal their thoughts. The truth is, most people are NOT mind readers. While some are very good at reading others and do not need a concrete explanation at all times in order to interpret someone, why create a guessing game? I think women are especially guilty of this. They have no problem venting to their girlfriends about an issue they are having with their significant other when it would be MUCH more effective and beneficial if they just told their significant other how they felt and would come to a solution much faster. Men tend to do this in other ways where they are not clear with their intentions and then women are left making the wrong assumptions about their relationship status.

People should not be afraid of being themselves and expressing their thoughts with anyone whom they are close to. It is the key to building strong communication and in better understanding one another. Although it is natural to not want to talk about things that are taboo or could potentially cause friction, it is still essential to be authentic and speak up, even if that means the truth can hurt at times or it goes against the other person’s point of view. Everyone should make a proactive effort to express themselves (again, even if it appears to be negative or bad at times) because it is for the greater good of any relationship–whether it is with a friend, family member, work partner, spouse, etc. Instead of expecting someone to instantly know why you are mad or upset, why not tell the person directly? Even someone like myself who is relatively emotionally intelligent, I would never classify myself as a mind reader and would prefer someone to be extremely straightforward with me. By doing so, I not only better understand the person much better but I also find the person even more honorable and trustworthy by doing so. That is why it is extremely important to always be authentic with your thoughts because not only do they matter but doing so will build your character in a positive way and ultimately create a stronger bond with someone.

Let’s Talk About Sex – The Taboo Subject That Couples Should Be Talking About

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I just realized that this is the first time that I am blogging about this subject matter but I suppose it is because it is considered to be a rather taboo subject: SEX. Yes, I said it and honestly, this is a topic of discussion that should not be so taboo, especially within a serious relationship. However, I find that most couples don’t feel comfortable talking about it. When people are getting to know someone or perhaps have been in a serious relationship with someone for quite some time, it is common to be talking about things such as their professions, aspirations in life, goals within the relationship, their past, financial situation, etc. Yet, you never really hear people say that they talk about sex which still should be considered to be an important topic of discussion within any relationship. Why? I hate to say this but the truth of the matter is, not everyone is sexually compatible with their partner and/or might have totally different perspectives when it comes to sex. That is why it is ESSENTIAL to talk about these things when you are trying to get close to someone whom you genuinely care about. While it might be awkward, it does not have to be. It can be discussed once there has been a foundation of trust built or when you personally find the time is right. There is nothing wrong with talking about it and it could actually bring two people closer together.

Here are a few sexual topics to consider bringing up…

– How important is sex to you within a relationship? (Aka is it a necessity or you don’t really need much of it to be in a happy relationship?)
– What are your sexual preferences (aka what feels good to you most)?
– What are your sexual boundaries (aka what are things that you are not willing to perform)?
– What were your worst sexual experiences if any?
– How often do you enjoy sex in order to be in a sexually satisfied relationship?
– Do you have any sexual fantasies, if so, what are they?
I just listed a few things that I could come up with although I am sure the list can go on and on just depending on your curiosity level and your desire to connect with your partner. As I mentioned previously, everyone’s sexual perspectives and preferences can vary–and can vary significantly. You cannot assume that everyone has the same sexual expectations and desires as you or anyone who you knew previously because sex is a personal and private thing depending on the individual. I can share from personal experience (without giving away too many details) that I had previous relationships that I broke up because the sexual component of the relationship was NOT in alignment with what I was looking for. While most people assume that sex is always a great thing that is meant to bond two people, I do not believe this is always the case and it can actually have the opposite effect where you find yourself less attracted to the person over time.

If you are in a situation where you do not feel the sexual connection is bringing you closer to the person, it is worth considering moving on. I suppose this just depends on how much you prioritize sex within a relationship but generally speaking, you should NOT be settling on a relationship that is not providing you with what you define as a sexually satisfying relationship because trust me, there is always a better suited match out there and you probably just haven’t found your soulmate just yet but don’t give up–the Universe has got you. 😉

Don’t Let a Scarcity Mindset Ruin Your Dating Life

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There are many factors that can hinder people from having a successful dating life and one of the biggest that I see are those who possess a scarcity mindset. What is a scarcity mindset and how does it apply to dating? A scarcity mindset stems from the thought that there are limited options and that there are not enough resources to go around. So as a result, a person with a scarcity mindset believes that they must hold onto dear life everything that they have because something else might not come their way. I can assure you that this is extremely far from the truth! Let’s not forget that we live in an abundant world with lots of opportunities which means that you should never settle upon anything and this is especially true when it comes to dating!

Here are the most common things that I hear people say and I am here to tell you that this is NOT the way to think because it is coming from a place of scarcity when you should train your brain to live ABUNDANTLY.

“I am not happy with my current relationship but I do not think that I could ever find someone again.” – This is a horrible way to think! This essentially is saying that it is okay to settle for unhappiness because there is no hope in finding someone who could be a better suited match. I do believe that two people can find a healthy way to make things work within a relationship but at the same time, if in your heart you know that this is not the one, it is not wise to keep the relationship going just because you do not think you could find someone better. You won’t know unless you break off the relationship, put yourself out there, and explore other dating opportunities.

“I do not think that I will ever find someone this good so I will do whatever it takes to keep them in my life, even if that means that I have to make personal sacrifices that I am not happy about.” – This to me not only conveys that this person has a scarcity mindset but it also shows that this person holds onto many insecurities. I say this because a secure person would not feel they have to bend over backwards just to keep someone around and would want an equal partnership. Someone who is very insecure might feel they have to do a lot in order to compensate for what they are lacking inside and feel that they will only be loved if they go above and beyond for the other person even if that means that the other person is not reciprocating and treats them as a doormat.

“I am never going to find anyone so what is the point of even looking?” – Wow, I do not think it could get much worse than this! This is such a depressing way to think and goes to show that a person that thinks this way is not thinking with an abundant mind. A person with an abundance mindset would know that there is someone for everyone and that they will eventually find their match because there are plenty of people they could connect with and potentially date.

Good Dating Rule to Follow: No Effort? – No Interest

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I read this recently — “no effort, no interest” and thought that this concept was not only concise but brilliant. If people took the time to follow this basic principle, they would save themselves from a lot of heartache and wasted time. If someone is not showing interest, while the natural instinct might be to chase more or to ask where you stand or to do more for the other person in order to feel validated, the BEST thing you could do is not engage anymore and to move on. Why stay interested in someone who is not putting in any effort or that gives you a feeling of uncertainty? I understand how hard it is to fight human nature but if you can make a conscious effort to move forward and not waste your time, you would be in a much better spiritual place.

When you are dating someone new, usually the signs are clear from the beginning whether or not the person is showing enough interest or not. Sometimes you will notice someone put in a lot of effort in the very beginning but as time goes on, the person might slowly drift away. Again, rather than trying very hard to hold onto this existing connection, it is best to let it go as soon as you notice the person is starting to put in less effort. If the person wants to keep you in their lives, then this person will find a way to do so without you having to put in all the work all the time. It is also important to remind yourself that we live in a very abundant world so for every door that closes, there is not only another one but a better one ready to be opened. People often forget about this when they are in the dating world and just want to hold onto the one person that is not giving them the level of interest that is desired because they do not realize that there is a much better connection out there for them. As soon as you notice a person is not putting in any effort or showing enough interest, then you should no longer be interested! Just cut your losses and keep it moving–bottom line.

Remember that this rule should apply to everyone! For example, if you are trying to win back an ex and they are showing zero interest in keeping you in your life, why bother trying anymore? Just cut the cord and this person out of your life altogether! Remember that this person is labeled an “ex” for a reason. I know that it is easily said than done but the sooner you can move on from this person, the sooner you can progress by working on yourself or getting yourself in a place where you are ready to start a new relationship. So the next time you are in a situation where someone is putting in little to no effort into their relationship with you, that is your cue to back off and lose interest because this person is not meeting your standards and/or ultimately giving you the validation that you are deserving of.

Is It Worth Emotionally Investing In Someone Who Has Trust Issues?

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Sometimes you will encounter someone who flat out expresses that they have trust issues or you will notice that the person is very guarded where it is hard to really connect with them. It is important to keep in mind that some people will use this as an excuse or a way to further deter developing a connection from moving forward with you rather than expressing there is a lack of interest. If a person legitimately has trust issues, the important thing to do first is to examine the cause of this–if possible. Topics can include discussing the person’s childhood or if they have previously been in relationships where there was a lack of trust and/or they were betrayed. This will not only give you a better understanding but also give you more clarity in regards to whether or not you can further develop a serious relationship with this person over time.

Another thing to consider is that if someone has a lot of trust issues, this could be a sign that they cannot be trusted either. For example, if you meet someone who constantly is accusing you of cheating when there is no rational reason behind it, it could be because this person has a history of this (or on the other hand, as I mentioned previously, that they have experienced being cheated on and now are extra paranoid it could happen again). If this is the case where their trust issues stem from the fact that they are guilty of doing things that are distrustful, then it is clear that this is not the type of person you should emotionally invest in.

Some people are also naturally more guarded than others where they just do not trust people immediately and need to take extra time in getting to know someone in order to feel close and to build trust. In these types of scenarios, this is okay and just requires extra patience on your part. If you feel that there is both a genuine and mutual connection between the two of you–where progress is being made as you continue to spend more quality time together, then it is worth sticking around to see where things go and to continue to emotional invest. It is important to sense that there is movement in a relationship where it is going places as opposed to staying stagnant. If you feel that the other person still has their guard up and it has been challenging for them to open up with you, it might be best to move on and pursue a healthy relationship where you can both build trust together.