Category Archives: Parenting

How to Prevent Your Adult Children from Living at Home Forever

Little did I realize when I was old enough to make the statement, “Kids today…” what I was actually referring to was adult kids today. In today’s generation, young adults live at home for a much extended period than ever before. Don’t get me wrong, there are some advantages to staying at home that include saving money, seeing your family on a daily basis, and security. When one comes from a financially secure family, there is no need to worry about if there is going to be food on the table or if the mortgage/rent along with other living expenses are going to be paid on time. All sounds well and good but allowing adult children to stay home without much of a deadline or expiration date aka expectation for them to leave, this is actually hindering them from becoming an independent adult and allowing them to create their own security for themselves. As parents, one of the greatest gifts that can be provided for their children is to teach them how to stand on their own two feet as opposed to giving everything or doing everything for them which puts them in the adult children category. So how exactly can you encourage young adults to want to grow up and move out already?

Plant the Seed When They Are Young – It is extremely important to start with a strong foundation from the very start of their childhood. In order to do this, you need to set high expectations for your children, especially as they become young adults. If they understand what their expectations are along with ways in which they can meet their expectations, chances are they will automatically rise to the occasion without much of a push needed.

Teach Them Life Skills – This is absolutely crucial in their own personal self development that will carry them throughout life. If you take the time to teach basic life skills like how to manage money effectively, do basic things autonomously, and to be independent, then once they are old enough to live on their own, they will have all the tools in the tool belt (in this case, life skills) to make it happen and quite successfully too might I add.

Stop Doing Everything for Them – Parents tend to want to do everything for their children. If you continue to do things such as their laundry, cooking all their meals, and much more, then why would there ever be an incentive to leave this scenario? By continuing to do everything, this also could potentially promote laziness, which is never an attractive quality.

Give Extra Responsibilities – If they are not motivated to move out on their own, then there should be extra responsibilities around the house or to benefit the family more. This can be a combination of having them contribute financially in some way along with added chores such as having them do the grocery shopping, clean the bathrooms, cook meals for the family, etc. At least this way, they are contributing in some way, learning how to become more responsible, and hopefully by assigning too much to them, this will serve as a huge incentive for them to start the process of looking for places to live.

Guide Them Every Step of the Way – Over time, it can be a very touchy subject to bring up the idea of moving out and often become the elephant in the room. Rather than shaming them or placing an ultimatum, it is wise to guide them in the direction of moving out. This can be done by assisting them in looking for listings for a place to rent/buy, find ways to help them save money, offer to help in any way once they begin the moving process, and much more. It can be a scary transition for certain people to move out for the first time so any way you can ease them will be much appreciated.

Although it might be too late to take back their childhood in terms of how you raised your kids, that does not mean it is ever too late to make some changes for their future. It might be much more difficult but it can definitely be done if you take the time to focus on promoting them to grow up and be independent adults. It might take many baby steps to get to the end goal of having an adult child move out but ultimately it will lead to the greater good along with elevating their self confidence and self worth.

How Tough Love Actually Instills Confidence in Children in the Long Run

Often times when people think of the concept of tough love, it can have a very negative connotation. Especially when raising children today, people put such a high emphasis on caring about how a child is feeling all the time and guarding those feelings. I think this is healthy and this is necessary for their emotional well being but at the same time, tough love also needs to be implemented for the greater good of the child.

What is tough love exactly? Tough love is the ability to say no, give consequences, apply discipline, and hold someone accountable for their actions.

It may sound counterintuitive that being tough on a child will build their confidence because aren’t their precious little souls going to be crushed if they do not get what they want and if life doesn’t go their way? In that immediate moment and the short term, yes the child is going to be upset and most likely react unfavorably. However, life isn’t fair all the time right? Why do adults create a false sense of reality for children that they can do whatever they want and get away with it? This is not how the real world works and for this reason a good dose of discipline should be enforced even if that means it is going to cause pain, emotional discomfort, and perhaps negatively affect their self esteem at that given moment. But guess what, they get over it. They cope, they adapt, and they move on with a life lesson. It ultimately builds their strength, character, and confidence.

People mistakenly seem to think that over validating a child will build their confidence. I do not agree with that approach unless a child earned a reason to be validated. Simply telling a child they are good at everything or shaping their mentality that they can do no wrong has the opposite effect by creating a sense of entitlement, laziness, and yet again, a false reality because no one is truly exceptional at everything. Sure they might be feeling good (maybe a little too good) about themselves but it will only last for the short term. If children are wrongfully taught they are “the best” at all times, it is a really rude awakening once they are out in the real world and realize they are not so perfect after all. They actually have to apply themselves and compete for things like everyone else in this world. Ouch–confidence shattered.

At the end of the day, it is okay to point out when a child is not good at something and to put them down with constructive criticism. Why? It provides them a sense of self awareness, a much needed reality check, and [hopefully] motivation for self improvement. They strive to get better at whatever it is that they are not good at or proactively find the things they naturally are good at. They work harder towards achieving excellence rather than falsely believing they are excellent for no real reason.

Tough love will hurt at times and it might also not feel good to make someone feel bad, especially a child because they are very impressionable and might not have the capacity to manage their feelings very well. However, you need to trust that you are actually building them up in the long run even if that means there are times that you are bringing them down. They become more aware of their weaknesses and limitations which provides them room to grow into stronger and more confident individuals.