Tag Archives: love

3 Reasons Why You Should Avoid Dating People With a Lingering Past at All Costs

Everyone has a past but the way in which we resolve our past and move forward with our future varies from person to person. By “lingering past,” I do not mean someone who has children from a previous relationship or someone that is divorced. It is possible for people to be divorced and have moved on. In addition, it is also possible for two people to be over their relationship and to be able to co-parent successfully. I am referring to people who have a past where the door is still open, communication is most likely still frequent, and/or there are unresolved feelings for someone else. It also can refer to people who might not be in constant contact with an ex but they truly are not over the breakup and if their ex were to contact them, they are ready to pick up from where they left off. These are all examples where the message is clear that the person is unable to live life in the present and are still stuck living in their past. This is a major red flag and should be avoided at all costs. Let me repeat myself, please avoid dating people with a lingering past at all costs! You might be wondering why I am so adamant about this and I can explain why.

They Probably Have Someone Else in the Back of Their Mind – Even if the person expresses that they are into you and like you very much, that does not mean much if they also feel this way towards someone else from their past. You deserve to be someone’s top priority when you are in an exclusive relationship and if you discover that you are not, then it is time for you to move on altogether. It is also selfish for the other person to be sharing their heart with more than one person which should be a good enough reason for you to want to move on.

Always the Chance That They Leave You For the Other Person – Anyone who is dating someone with an unresolved past is taking a huge emotional gamble. I say this because even though you really care for the person and they appear to feel the same towards you, it is very easy for them to leave you for an ex if they are still interested in them. It is a harsh reality but one that cannot be ignored because oftentimes this happens and the person who ends up being left with a broken heart is you if you allow yourself to get close to someone who never was fully over their ex to begin with.

Lack of Trust From the Start – It goes without saying that trust is a fundamental necessity in any healthy relationship. Personally, I think that it is tough to trust someone who has a lingering past because you never truly know what is on their mind in terms of their genuine feelings towards you plus you always have to worry in the back of your mind if they are talking to an ex in secrecy or trying to reconnect with them–whether it be emotional and/or physical (such as meeting in person). It is for this reason why this is a no go because if your instincts are telling you that there is a lack of certainty within the relationship due to their past, there is a good chance that your instincts are valid. This also leads to the underlying issue that trust is not there meaning that it is not worth making an emotional investment. As I mentioned above, these types of relationships should not begin in the first place and if you find out or get any sense that their past is not left in their past, it calls for instant termination of the relationship because ultimately there really is no “relationship.”

The Best Things to Do When Someone Doesn’t Want to Be With You

When someone is distancing themselves from you or pulling away, it is natural to want to chase more or to try harder to earn back their validation. It is also common to see someone chase after someone they care about once the other person breaks up with them. People tend to hold onto false hope and optimism that by sticking around or by chasing the other person, this person will eventually change their mind and want to be together again or maybe build attraction again. The truth of the matter is, this typically has the OPPOSITE effect and is the wrong psychology. The reason why this is not effective is that if the other person has made up their mind already that they do not want to be with you or continue a relationship, then giving more of your attention is going to actually repel the other person and probably turn them off even more. The only way that there is a chance that things could potentially work out later is to remove your attention in its entirety and to provide them the space that they asked for. This gives the person the freedom and the time to think about what they want and the potential opportunity to miss you. That is why the quote, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” exists is because sometimes time apart is needed in order to rekindle a connection or to realize how much this person was important to them. Keep in mind that there is no guarantee that the other person will miss you but at the very least, giving ample space allows for there to be a chance for this to happen.

Aside from giving the person space, you should also invest your energy into bettering yourself and moving on completely. It is a waste of time to go after someone who doesn’t see your value or want to be with you–bottom line. You are always better off leaving the person alone which also makes it easier for you to get over the person because you took your focus away from them. Also remember that there is no greater investment than investing in yourself and that you can do this in various ways. You can pick up a new hobby, spend quality time with friends, expand your career, etc. Your time is valuable so it is best to invest your time in self than investing it in someone who does not mutually feel the way same way about you. As I have mentioned previously, you naturally become more attractive to others when you possess self love and become your very best version of self but remember that regardless, you are doing this because YOU want to and not for anyone else.

Why You Need to Approach Dating With Self Love and Confidence

I can tell a lot about a person’s self confidence level based on their dating choices. When someone tells me that they are with someone who neglects, cheats, and/or shares with me instances of any other extreme form of disrespect–this illustrates to me that this person does not have enough self love or thinks very highly of self. Why? When people possess a high level of self confidence and loves self, then you will find that they are not in these unhealthy relationships or bad situations to begin with. They are able to put themselves FIRST and foremost before their significant other with ease and will opt to find their very best match as opposed to dating someone who doesn’t meet their standards. They also do not have a tolerance for bad behavior or any signs of mistreatment and are ready to walk away altogether whenever they see any reoccurring red flag in a relationship.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are unhappy with your partner, it is important to dig deep and determine the reasons why you feel that way while also taking the time to look from within and examine your own level of self love. If you feel down about yourself, it might not be the best time in your life to be in a relationship. The reason being that you need to love self and be your best self before pursuing dating on a serious level. If you can work on yourself, not only are you benefiting your very best asset (that’s you) but you are also setting yourself up for attracting a desirable partner whom you can offer your best while also receiving the best in return. It is a win/win situation on both sides and the foundation of a fulfilling and rewarding relationship when you have two people who equally feel confident about themselves along with the overall success of their relationship.

Being Single Doesn’t Have to Be a Negative Thing – 3 Benefits to Shift Your Mindset That It Can Be Positive

While many people choose to be in a relationship or prefer to have a partner, it is natural to go through phases in life where you are single for long periods of time or you might have recently gotten out of a relationship. Some people feel bad about a failed relationship and/or might possess a deep feeling of loneliness from their single status. However, this does not have to be the case and no one should feel lesser of a person because of it. It is possible to be single and not be bothered by it–heck, there are even those who are happily single and choose to live this way. While that might seem like an oxymoron to some, it can actually be a positive thing to be single. How does one feel good about being single and what are the benefits?

Do What You Want on Your Terms – It is liberating to be able to do what you want and not have limitations. When you are in a relationship, sometimes you are not able to do what you want and you might find that you do not have as much free time as you use to have. Typically, you also have to check in with your partner before doing something whereas when you are single, you are a free agent.

Focus on Self Development – Although you should always be working on self development whether or not you are in a relationship, it is definitely easier to focus on yourself when you are by yourself. Again, it comes down to having more personal time which you can utilize to better yourself. This is also to your benefit because when you are at your best, this elevates your confidence while building your attraction level which ultimately will increase the likelihood of finding an equally high quality match when you are ready to.

Spent More Quality Time With Friends/Family – I find that many people who are in a relationship do not make time for their friends and family as they used to previously. While some people are good at finding that balance, many end up spending more time with their significant other and abandoning their friends and family. When you are single, this gives you the opportunity to still make quality time for other people other than the person you are with.

Final Note – It is natural for people to want to be in a relationship but remember that it is totally acceptable to be single too. It is way better to be single than to be in a relationship for the sake of it or to settle on a relationship that does not suit your best interests. Too often I see people stay in bad relationships because of this underlying need of being with someone (aka anyone) and out of the fear of loneliness. You are far more superior than that so stop settling! It is always best to stay single and wait for the right person to come into your life than to stay in an invaluable relationship.

How to Establish Healthy Communication From the Start – The Best Question to Ask Prior to Any Potential Relationship

When I think about dating and relationships, I do believe that there is potential between any two people given that they both share a mutual interest for each other. However, there are many dating scenarios in which the attraction just stays at the attraction level but never progresses further due to inconsistent communication or lack of it from one or both people. This is what I call a missed opportunity and also an unfortunate situation simply due to the fact that two people did not establish a healthy communication pattern or it fails to be initiated at all. This usually happens for a few reasons. One or both people might be unsure of how the other person feels about them so instead of pursuing it any further, they just sit back and expect the other person to contact them not realizing that the other person is doing the same thing! So the outcome is that you have two people who are equally attracted to each other but nothing happens because neither want to really make a first move or have to overextend themselves at the risk of getting hurt. Another reason a person might not reach out as often is due to a busy schedule or maybe having a fear that they might annoy the other person if they message too much. Whatever the reason is, these all hinder two people from exploring love and developing a genuine connection.

Communication should not be up in the air and left uncertain if you like someone because it sends a mixed message. This is why I also don’t believe “playing hard to get” is effective because if you have two people doing the same thing as I mentioned, then both people never end up getting together. While yes, this tactic can build lingering attraction up to some point but what is the point of attraction if the end goal doesn’t lead two people in seeing where that attraction leads? That is like bringing a beautiful meal out to you at a restaurant but you are not allowed to eat it. You can stare at it but you do not get the pleasure of tasting it. My point is, mutual attraction that is left at a standstill or remains stagnant will eventually lead one or both people to move on because it is not going anywhere anytime soon.

So how can this be prevented? Once you actually are in contact with someone that you like and want to continue to get to know, I think the best question to ask this person is, “How often would you like me to contact you?” What I love about this is that it is direct AF and conveys that you are leading the relationship and want to be in touch but also am mindful of what the other person feels most comfortable with. If the other person responds in a way that suggests they do not want to be in contact with you much at all, this is a good thing because then you know not to invest as much of your time and you might consider walking away altogether. Time is our most valuable spiritual asset so if someone hints any disinterest, that is your cue to keep it moving. If the person expresses that they want to be in contact more frequently, then you know the person is interested in you and you now have a sense of how often you should be in touch with them without overstepping their boundaries and taking up too much of their time. I think it is a win/win set up and one that leaves a good first impression. It is appealing when someone is proactive and steps it up rather than playing a guessing game because most guessing games often lead to a game over.

Dating Advice That No One Wants to Hear but It’s True

I have been trying to think of a good list of dating advice that can literally apply to anyone and everyone. I thought of a short list of dating principles that I recognize might be common sense but dating advice that people don’t always follow in which it is important to share it. I really strive to help people make the very best choices in their personal lives so hopefully these tips are helpful! ❤

Not Everyone Is Going to Like You – Accept It and Move On – This is definitely one of the biggest reality checks that many people fail to follow and understand. It is very common to like someone who does not have the same feelings in return. The best thing to do is to move on and find an equal match where there is a mutual attraction on both ends. However, unfortunately people still stick around in hopes that the other person will start to develop feelings over time or they simply invest way too much of their time, resources, and both their emotional and physical energy into this person when the signs were clear from the start that nothing meaningful was ever going to transpire. I know for many, this can be a tough situation to deal with and can easily bruise the ego. There good thing is, there are literally billions of people in this world and I can assure you that you can actually find someone who values you just as much as you value them in return. So stop wasting your time on the people who don’t like you and find someone who not only likes you but adores you! (Again, with so many people who exist in this Universe, I am pretty sure that this person exists–trust me on this one)! 😉

Don’t Be So Outcome Dependent – Especially When You First Meet Someone – People tend to have way too many expectations when they are out in the dating world and as a result, end up terribly disappointed. Now I am not saying to not have high standards because of course you should set the bar high when you are looking for a life partner. What I am referring to are relationship expectations and imposing a dating agenda when you do not even know the person all too well or perhaps just met them. For example, women tend to discuss wanting a marriage and children after the first date or just a few dates. There is nothing wrong with wanting to manifest these specific things but to mention this to someone without establishing a deep connection first is incredibly premature and unnecessary. The same goes with men who go on dates and they might have a set number of dates in their minds that they are willing to go on before the woman is intimate with them. This again is the wrong approach. It is way better to have a go with the flow mentality and see where things go as opposed to assigning this dating agenda because every dating scenario is situational and you might not even like the person all too much to begin with. That is why it is important to take the time that is needed to build that spiritual connection first and establish that you both want a relationship before expecting intimacy, marriage, etc. You have to let things happen as it is supposed to play out and be patient with the process knowing that the outcome you are looking for is on its way. This is why there is no need to rush it or impose it on anyone because you will meet the right person when you are destined to do so!

Learn to Love Your Life With or Without Someone – I find that there are a lot of people in this world who can’t handle being single and literally are not happy unless they are in a relationship. To me, the underlying issue with this is that these are people who feel empty inside because they do not love their life and/or feel good enough so they rely on others to provide them with love, happiness, and validation in order to feel good about self. Think about it, if someone is happy with their own life, they can navigate and enjoy it without the help of others. This is a very good place to be in because this means that you can function independently and if you happen to meet someone whom you choose to develop a serious relationship with, it is an added bonus to your life but not a necessity because you already love your life!

Love Is Like a Garden

A co worker had once made the analogy, “Love is like a garden” and I thought to myself, yes, this is very accurate. I believe that any relationship, even the best of relationships require work and tender loving care for it to continue to nourish and stay healthy. The same goes with a garden–in order to ensure that the plants last, it is expected that you take the responsibility to water the plants, pull out the weeds, and put in a good amount of time for it to keep growing. One can’t expect plants to look beautiful and grow on its own if it is neglected and not taken care of.

It takes two people to want to take care of their garden, aka their relationship. You can’t expect one to put in all the work and the other to not contribute in any way. You also can’t lessen the amount of effort you put into the partnership simply because you have been together for a long period of time. I mention both of these scenarios because this is what I see happens most frequently–either the relationship becomes a one sided one or people don’t show as much appreciation towards one another as they did in the earlier stages of their relationship. No matter what happens in life, it is essential for both people to stay committed in keeping their garden a flourishing one. The bottom line is that love has the capacity to last a lifetime given that two people equally put in the work that is needed to keep it strong and everlasting. ❤

Is Love Sustainable? – If So, How?

When it comes to relationship success, many relationships and marriages unfortunately do not end up lasting over time; however, that does not have to be the case. Of course everlasting love does exist and there are couples who stay happily together for the long hall. I think people who are on the quest to find love are in hopes to find one partner to spend the rest of their lives with; however, a “happily ever after” ending does not always end up being the outcome. One has to wonder: Is love sustainable? – If so, how?

Mutually Make the Right Choice – The most important part of the love process really comes down to making the right life partner choice and really thinking about whether or not you see a future with this person–while also keeping in mind that this choice has to be MUTUAL. Too often I see people in a one-sided relationship from the start where one person is really into the other and the other person simply isn’t as invested or is just settling. As essential as it is to choose who you want to be with, the other person also needs to choose you in return and equally want the partnership. If you suspect that you are with someone that isn’t as into you or vice versa where in your heart you do not really love the person as much in return–please do everyone a favor and break it up before it gets too serious. This is why people need to truly follow their intuition better and do the right thing by ending a dead end relationship which will also keep the door open for a better suited match to come into your future when the time is right.

Put in the Work – Relationships like anything else in life require WORK and again, TWO people have to put in the work in order for the relationship to be a successful one. When you have one person putting in all the effort while the other person doesn’t, the relationship is bound to fizzle out over time. You need two people proactively doing what it takes to keep the relationship going which also includes having the capacity to make sacrifices when necessary for the greater good of the relationship. It is important to keep in mind that in the very beginning of any relationship, things are very easy and two people tend to be in what they call a “honeymoon phase.” After this time passes is the best time to determine whether or not you both want to work towards building a future together or not.

Communicate with the Same Love Languages – I’ll be honest, I was not familiar with the concept of love languages until much later in life. When I was first exposed to it, I questioned how important this really was in a relationship because I thought every love language was somewhat essential. Then I realized that people express love differently through various love languages and not everyone has the same love language preferences. This would explain why many couples feel out of sync and their love fades over time because each person communicates love in contrasting ways to begin with.

Natural Compatibility – Natural compatibility should not be confused with natural attraction. Attraction of any sort might catch one’s eye in the beginning but if there isn’t natural compatibility to back up the attraction then the attraction most certainly wears off over time. Of course, there is no denying that attraction is important but I think people often overlook the actual compatibility aspect of the relationship and don’t take the time to examine whether or not they are truly compatible with the other person. Compatibility can include your value systems, beliefs, lifestyles, and overall how you each fundamentally function as people. When two people have natural compatibility, there are less arguments, problems, and conflicts because both people see eye to eye on most things. Ultimately, natural compatibility is ideal for developing a healthy relationship and definitely the foundation of any long lasting partnership.

When Love Becomes a Game – Game OVER

Many aspects of life become a game but I don’t believe your love life should ever become one. Mind you, with pursuing love or any type of relationship, there are going to be challenges along the way and no relationship is ever perfect. Even when things seem “perfect,” especially during the early stages of a relationship or during the honeymoon phase as they call it, do not fall into the illusion that everything will remain that way at all times. However, at the very least, things should be very easy in the beginning, especially when two people mutually want to be with each other and explore where their love can go.

Keep in mind, that the early stages of dating someone are always very telling. When I hear someone tell me about the complications, the mixed signals, the emotional letdowns, drama, etc. at the very beginning, my immediate thought is: Don’t just walk but run away from these situations as they should be avoided in its entirety. Why do you want to start a relationship or even invest your time in someone who is playing games with your heart? I do not care how attractive they are. I do not care how much you have in common. I do not care how much money they have. I do not care how much you like them. I do not care how much you think that they like you in return–because guess what, if the person liked you, why would they cause tension, agony, frustration, and grief? The focus would be on TOGETHERNESS and making that effort to not only BE WITH YOU but also to MAKE YOU HAPPY. Why would a person who genuinely likes you go days without contact? If they liked you, they would never want to go even a single day out of touch. Also be careful when you notice a person message you constantly but yet they never make the time to actually see you in-person, spend any quality time, or they make plans but constantly are canceling. (FYI, I call that a glorified pen pal or perhaps a waste of time–you can be the judge).

It is crucial to pay close attention as to when love becomes a game and to pick up on the red flags before the jump to prevent developing any sort of attachment to this person. It is a game you never want to play and one in which you need to withdraw from as soon as you are aware that this is all it is.

Besides the beginning, it is possible that love can turn into a game later during the course of the relationship and the same rule applies here, once you notice this–you are up and OUT. Remember: Game over. An example of this is when a person is incredibly devoted and locked into the relationship but over time, you notice communication becomes less frequent or the person is showing signs they are ghosting you. Do everyone a favor and just end it if that begins to happen. Why settle on someone who appears to be less interested or who is slacking on providing you with the love you deserve? Even if the other person is not intentionally trying to play games with your emotions, it does not matter what the INTENT is, what matters is the OUTCOME. If the outcome is not in your favor, you just have to make it a point to remove yourself as soon as possible. Although it might take time, please know that you will get over them as soon as you make the firm decision to move forward with your life and let the person go. Be patient with the process and true love (not some “love game” nonsense) will actually come knocking on your door when you are ready for it. Trust me, love is on the way so make sure you create the space in your life for it to arrive when the time is right. 😉 ❤

To Love or Not to Love? – Who Should Say I Love You for the First Time in a Relationship Along with the When and How Often?

Expressing your love for someone can be done by your actions but those three little words in a romantic relationship can take it emotionally to great heights and bring two people that much closer to each other. However, often times people question when should it be said, especially for the first time. Of course you can simply, “Go with your feelings and say it to someone when you feel love towards that person” but I would follow some general guidelines before dropping the L-word for the first time. I want to point out that like most topics I write about, this is my general opinion based on life experience and there truly is no black and white answer to this one. Just keep that in mind before you proceed to reading this article as not everyone is going to agree with my point of view (and that’s okay–it is okay to agree to disagree and I embrace that).

In terms of who should say, “I love you” for the first time, without a doubt, I believe the man in the relationship should take lead and be the one to say it first. I am sure there are exceptions although I cannot think of any offhand but I tend to lean towards believing this due to gender roles. By that I look at it like this, if a man is capable of asking a girl out, pursuing the relationship, initiating physical intimacy, and essentially keeping the “chase” then I think they are fully capable of proclaiming their love for the first time. Never in my dating life have I been the one to tell a man in a relationship that I love him first. Even though there have been times I felt that way, I still chose not to say it because I also believe that if the relationship is meant to get to that place, then it will naturally happen when the time is right. Sure, I showed it through my actions but I always waited until the man said it first to me. Like many things in life, the wait is well worth it. I am willing to wait for the things that are most valuable to me. I can recall every single time it was said to me for the first time as I have a screenshot in my mind of that exact moment within the course of the relationship. If the man never says it to me, then he was not the man for me anyhow as this is something I do expect to be said over time.

In a romantic relationship, determining when to say it can truly vary. I have been in situations where it was said in as early as a few weeks or where it took many months. I would say this depends on how consistently you see the person so if you see a person a few times a week, then naturally I would expect two people will feel the love sooner because of the frequency of their encounters. In a distance relationship or situation where you might only get to see the person once or twice a month in the beginning, it might take longer to feel the love because you are still getting to know the person so saying it for the first time could very well be a longer process. I would say it is healthy to wait at least two months before telling a person you love them for the first time. I do not think it is necessary to say it that quickly no matter how intense the love can feel because even if you experience it rather instantly, you also want to make sure you still genuinely feel that way after a few months as sometimes it could be infatuation with that person which is not the same as loving someone. If you are dating for months and you are not emotionally in a place to say that yet, give it more time or consider if you still want to be with the person. You do not want to waste anyone’s time if you do not think it has the potential to reach love while you also should not say it for the sake of it and give it the time it needs for the love to grow towards that person. It can take many months or up to a year and that is okay. I would say that if you are dating someone for a year and still do not feel you love the person, you need to ask yourself some serious questions in regards to if the relationship has a future and if not, then the other person has a right to know where you stand or you should possibly consider breaking it off yourself.

Once you have officially said it for the time and it is reciprocated, I think it is healthy to say it on a fairly daily basis. I guess this depends on what is within each of your comfort zone. Some couples feel as though they do not need to say it everyday whereas other couples say it everyday as it has become a daily ritual to do so. I think once you have gotten to the stage where both people feel that way and are saying it to each other, it can definitely be said as often as you would like. Life is too short to not express love and gratitude towards the person you love which is why I think it is good to be generous in the ways you express it–not just verbally but with your actions too.