Category Archives: Attachment

“I Want to Take Things Slow” – What is the Translation?

When dating, the way in which the relationship is paced can vary depending on various factors such as the comfort level of the individual and what the ultimate relationship goals are. Sometimes a person will flat out declare, “I want to take things slow.” I think this can be interpreted in one of many ways and there is not exactly one definitive answer as to what this means. There are certain instances it is apparent the reasoning while other times, you just need to be patient to better understand the other person’s point of view, especially if there is not much clarity to back it up.

Not Fully Out of Last Relationship – If there are any loose ends from their last relationship or a person has not mentally recovered from the outcome of their last relationship, it can be expected that the person will want to move at a slower pace before getting too deep into the next relationship they pursue.

Fear of Commitment – Not everyone is able to fully commit to someone or are in a place in their life where they want that at the present moment. Typically if someone is not interested in a commitment, it is just easier to say they ‘want to take it slow’ than to completely spell out their true intentions–especially if this puts them at risk that the other person won’t want to stay unless there is a commitment. Keep in mind, if the reason stems from a fear of commitment or simply not wanting to commit to you, the person might never be ready or it could take an extended period of time.

Not Wanting to Be Vulnerable – It can take certain people a very long time to open up to another person. In addition, some prefer to protect their feelings out of the fear of getting rejected or abandoned in the long run. So rather than emotionally connecting to the person they are dating, to protect oneself from potentially getting hurt, the person will tend to be more guarded when proceeding with any relationship.

Multiple Options – When someone has multiple options, there is no need to really progress any of their personal relationships on a fast track because they want to compare all of their options and see which person is the best match out of all the options on hand. They might also enjoy dating multiple people or not be looking for anything serious in which none of their options will end up turning into serious leads.

Setting Boundaries – It is important to set boundaries in any relationship and sometimes this is said to do exactly that. By making this statement, it signifies to the other person to not ask for too much too soon while also putting a slight psychological wall up. It might just take some time for them to feel comfortable around you and for their boundaries to slowly come down.

Moving Too Fast Too Soon – Maybe the style in which the relationship started moved at a much quicker pace than they were ready for or perhaps their previous relationship moved too fast in which they are more consciously aware that they want to slow things down and pump the brakes a little bit.

Interest Level is Uncertain – If someone is unsure where they stand with their feelings towards someone, it makes sense to want to take things slow. It does not mean the person does not like you, their level of interest just might not have reached an intense level where they are 100% all in. Attraction is not always an instant spark but often times can be a slow build between two people which could very well have started out as friends and potentially lead into something deeper over time.

Very Focused on Career/Goals – People who are extremely focused on their careers, school, and other life goals typically do not prioritize their personal relationships. This is not to say they do not have an interest in pursuing one, it just means the person has many obligations which can prevent them from giving as much as they can within a relationship so it is to their advantage “to take things slow” so they can still stay focused on their goals while exploring the idea of building a new relationship.

One Day at a Time Approach – Some people approach just about all their relationships and many other areas of their lives on a day-by-day basis. There is nothing wrong with that as some people just need more time before really transitioning the relationship into a more serious one. This is the play it safe route and applies to someone who pursues most things with caution and mindfulness.

There are many reasons why people may want to take things at a slower rate which might feel like a negative thing initially but it does not necessarily have to translate this way. It really comes down to the personality, past relationship experience, life goals, dating preferences, and other individual factors that can dictate the pace in which they want their relationship to unfold. Some people like to move at a slower rate while others move more quickly but at the end of the day, you need to be respectful towards the needs of the other person while also keeping in mind what you are truly looking for. If you find things are not progressing at the rate you feel comfortable with, you can choose to be patient or to move on altogether.

Stuck in the Past? – A Guide to Detaching and Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize (Your Future)

Many people get caught up in their past, whether it be what they miss most or ways their life could have played out differently. Although I am all about reminiscing about the good times and revisiting memories, there comes a time you need to refocus on your current reality: The present moment and planning for your future. The past can shape your life’s path but do not let it control your mind or stop you from progressing forward. Remember, it is in the past for a reason! That ship has sailed away and is ready for the next destination! 😉

So how do you let go of the past? What are healthy ways to detach and keep things moving in the right direction?

Create a Bucket List – If you do not have one already or you have some in your mind, actually take the time to write down what you want to accomplish, places you want to go, experiences you have yet to experience, and/or whatever it is that you want to do! Some you might be able to obtain more easily while others could take many years but the value behind this is giving yourself something to look forward to for your future! It is exciting to think about and knowing you are currently on the journey to manifesting all these great things.

Focus on Self Improvement – I think that working on ourselves is a mission we should carry out throughout our lifetimes. As we age, we might physically and mentally feel like our youth is slipping away but this does not mean that our lives have to be going downhill, heck it should be getting better. We need to find ways to make improvements and upgrades in our lives by setting higher bars and goals to achieve. There might be instances where we face bad times or unfortunate life circumstances but we have to stay committed to getting things back on on track and making gradual improvements.

Take the Time to Reflect – Everything in life happens for a reason. It could have been for the greater good of tomorrow and/or to serve as a life’s lesson. The past cannot be erased and I would never encourage someone to erase it from their minds in its entirety or to suppress the emotions attached to your past but to take the time to reflect on these thoughts and feelings. You can reflect by asking yourself these questions: What did you learn from this past experience? How can you become a better person from it? You can answer these questions by talking to someone you trust who will genuinely listen to you or maybe self reflect by writing in a journal. I think it is healthy to reflect on the past individually or even with others but to then leave it where it belongs–in the past. This takes mental effort and patience but by practicing mindfulness, it is quite achievable.

I want to end by saying, “The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra might have sang about it but there is much truth to this if you choose to actually believe in it. There are many things you can look forward to but it all starts with you. The greatest thing you can do as I stated in the title is to keep your eye on the prize which is your future. Take the necessary planning steps needed and get excited for what is in store for you to the point where you are not even thinking about your past anymore. (Out of sight, out of mind right?)

What is a Love Map? – Understanding How It Can Influence Your Relationship Partner Choices

I think the concept of a love map is rather interesting and really would explain why people gravitate towards the people they choose to date or the people they form a crush on. I would describe a love map as a personalized criteria of what a person is looking for in a mate that is heavily influenced by childhood experiences, their environment, and the overall needs needed to provide them fulfillment within a relationship (often times, this includes their psychological unmet needs).

Do you ever notice that you might have a specific type look wise or there are certain types of people you automatically would never date even if they put their very best efforts to woo you? You might also be faced with situations that you are attracted to someone who you never thought you would date based on the surface but somehow you manage to completely fall in love with that person. The reason why you cannot always put your finger on it is because we all have our own love map that guides us to that final destination–in this case to the person we ideally want to be with as they fulfill most of the items on our love maps. I often times bring up the conscious vs. subconscious mind in which the love map is developed within your subconscious mind even though you might have a conscious list of things you look for in a partner.

When relating this to your childhood, the bond you have with your parents, especially your opposite gender parent (whether positive or negative) really can serve as a contributing factor in what will make up items on your love map. For example, when I look at my own childhood, I had a stay at home father who was very attentive to my all my needs, especially my emotional needs. Now on a conscious level, I would not say that I am looking for a man who wants to be a stay at home dad. On a conscious level, I would say I want to be with a man who is career driven; however, on a deep subconscious level, the truth of the matter is that I really do gravitate towards men with a very caring demeanor (like my father) who often times do NOT end up being career driven, and are very sweet with a big heart. Being that this was an environmental factor that I was exposed to growing up, this very much explains why I often times always end up with someone who is more on the softer side and more of an emotionally in tuned individual because my childhood experience shaped my belief to value this quality which ultimately became a quality on my love map. I might say I am proactively looking for one thing (in this case, someone who I label as career driven) but what ultimately controls the choice I make is based on my personal love map which has already been created and stored away in my subconscious mind. This is not to say you cannot have someone who possesses both these qualities, I am just pointing out what outweighs the other when both are presented to you. Often times, your love map cannot be altered as many of the things that are on it really developed subconsciously at such a young age as you’re growing up and transitioning into adulthood.

The love map is a great tool to be mindful of when you are in the dating world and in the process of getting to know someone else. It is probably a bit too bold and forward to flat out ask someone, “So what exactly is on your love map?” as many would not even know what that is or have a concrete answer to it; however when getting to know someone, if you really examine their childhood and environment growing up, it can help you better understand what they prioritize in a meaningful relationship and life partner. Knowing this information can help you determine if you are the right fit for them as they are for you but keep in mind that you do not have the power to change the other person’s love map while also keeping in mind that if you personally do not have the majority of the items on their love map, chances are this will not change over time and the person will not have the capacity to form a deep attachment to you.

There is No Attachment Like Emotional Attachment – How To Get Someone to Build an Emotional Attachment Towards You

There are various forms of attachments that develop within any relationship but I truly believe that there is no attachment like an emotional attachment. If someone has a strong emotional attachment towards you, it is very unlikely that the person will leave you for someone else and there is a higher chance that the person will want to stay with you for the long haul. That is not to say that the relationship will last forever as you also need to mutually maintain the strength of this emotional attachment and bond; however knowing this and the ways to create it will make you more consciously aware of how to develop it moving forward. It can apply to a current relationship, a future one, or even someone you have a crush on at the moment.

I can tell you from personal experience, when I have an authentic and strong emotional attachment towards someone, I really do not and cannot look at anyone else in a romantic way. It always amazes me when someone has that emotional effect on me. I recognize it is not natural or easy for everyone to get someone emotionally attached, especially for someone not very in touch with their feelings or possessing a strong emotional intelligence (EQ). That is why I want to share what has worked on me and how I also work my magic 😉 (haha half kidding) on getting someone emotionally attached to me.

Increase the Frequency of Contact – I find this to be one of the most important things to do when building an emotional attachment in both the early stages of getting to know someone and also maintaining this attachment over time. If you only talk to the person once every few days or once a week, chances are the person will not get super attached to you on an emotional level because there is too much time in between the times that you connect with each other. As the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.” In other words, if you are barely in contact with the person, you will often times become forgettable. This is not to say that you want to increase the contact to the point where they hear from you too often as that can certainly detract the person altogether but finding a healthy balance that works for both of you is key.

I want to point out that if the person already likes you or has formed an emotional attachment towards you, not being in frequent contact could make the person think about you more as not being in touch creates an emotional longing towards you. However, this does not always mean they will stay attached to you as many people have small attention spans and there still needs to be some form of attention given in order to keep the attention on you.

Grand Gestures Go a Long Way – I would say grand gestures are not everything but I do think if you take the time to go the extra mile for someone and it is something of great meaning to that specific individual, then it is totally worth it and will leave a lasting impression on an emotional level. For example, a grand gesture can be if you go shopping and the person points out a desired style of jewelry within conversation and you insist on buying it as a gift on the spot or you might go back to purchase it for the person later because you know it is special. Although this might not appear as a grand gesture to everyone as some people feel entitled and expect this type of treatment, I equate this as a grand gesture as it goes above and beyond what is expected on a daily basis.

Pay Attention to the Little Things – Besides the grand gestures, the “little things” as I call it can be just as significant. Sometimes people do a great job with making people emotionally feel good on a bigger scale but then so terribly fail to recognize the little things that are of significance to them. Something as small as calling each other to say good night before bedtime every night can be very meaningful to someone as a way to connect emotionally even though it is not much to ask of someone. It is important to recognize what these little things are and actually finding ways to acknowledge them.

Do Something Extra Nice for No Reason – I think doing something special on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other special events is important and usually goes without saying. Depending on the person, these dates and events might not even be a big deal (again everybody is different). However, doing something special for no particular reason and just because you want to show you care about the person can be just as special or even more special. It can be something as small as leaving a handwritten note with a sweet message in an unexpected place where the person will find it or surprising them by delivering their favorite takeout meal to their workplace. These are not only nice surprises but often times will make the person feel very appreciated.

Physical Intimacy (That is NOT Sex) – When people hear physical intimacy, people automatically think sex but I want to point out that there are other forms of physical intimacy that do NOT involve sex and that many people do not put much of a focus on yet it can be so incredibly crucial in creating an emotional bond. Of course this will vary from individual to individual and I encourage people to not be afraid to straight up ask the other person (maybe not right away but in time) what their preferences are rather than assume what the other person likes to feel close.

Although this sounds like it should be categorized under physical attachment, I equate the right intimacy to turn into emotional attachment. Some examples of physical intimacy that is not sex include holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and I would even say eye contact–as in the way the person looks at you. Something I find important although I know this might not apply to everyone as there are people who do not really like to be touched or caressed but I always have said, the way a person holds you can really make you feel that much closer to them. Again, at the end of the day, keep in mind people have different preferences so what makes me personally feel connected to someone might not work on someone else.

Build Upon Your Similarities – No one is going to be exactly like you but it is wise to find the things that you both share in common and to concentrate on them. The more similarities you have with one another, the more natural it will be for an emotional attachment to occur. If there are mutual hobbies, then plan activities that allow you to enjoy them together.

Create Life Experiences Together – I would generally say that any real quality time spent together will tend to create an emotional attachment but there is definitely a difference in the types of quality time spent such as watching a Netflix show together versus backpacking to Europe together. I am not saying you cannot do the basic everyday things but creating unique life experiences or doing fun things together that are out of the comfort of your home just takes quality time spent on a whole different level.

Have Intellectual and Deep Conversations – This is the emotional glue that keeps the bond together. When you have a meaningful conversation with someone, it not only allows for you to get to know the person on a deeper level but over time, this emotional attachment deepens as well. There is nothing wrong with having surface level conversations but when you take the time to really dig a few layers deep and get the person to share things they might not share with the average person or have shared with anyone before then there is a stronger likelihood the person will feel more emotionally connected to you by default.

Express Yourself in Words – People always underestimate the power of words but I think the right words can definitely create a deep emotional attachment. I know it is not easy for people to show their vulnerable side but it does not even have to be anything too heavy or over the top. Some of the most simple phrases can be incredibly effective such as:

– “I miss you.”
– “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
– “When can I see you again?”
– “I love spending time with you.”
– “I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”

(Think about it, who does not want to hear these expressions from someone they care about? Yeah, that’s what I thought).
The key is, it will NOT work if the other person has conveyed in so many words or actions that they do not have any feelings towards you whatsoever; however there are those rare instances where feelings can change over time so it is okay to still take that chance but it is better to scale it back a bit if the other person is not at the same emotional place as you. Some people might need more time or some just might be incapable of getting there with you personally (and that’s okay).

Make the Person Feel Good on Multiple Levels – I was not sure the best way to describe this but essentially make the person feel good both on the inside and outside. This can be done simply by complimenting them on a specific quality of theirs or their appearance. I would say extra brownie points if you are able to make the person feel good regarding something positive other people might fail to recognize about them including themselves.

If you utilize some of these strategies for building emotional attachment, you will be amazed at the results. The good news is, it is never too late to apply these techniques as it can strengthen a current relationship or help develop an emotional attachment from the very start of your next relationship.