Category Archives: Relationships

If Someone is Very Selective, Let Them Select You

There are certain people that are incredibly picky when they go about dating. No one ever seems to be good enough and they often are single or just never settle down. People might assume they have commitment problems, are emotionally unavailable, or they are not marriage material; however, there is also the possibility that the person just does not come in contact with people they want to be with all too often meaning they are super picky or they might not even fully know what they are looking for (which is a separate problem in and of itself).

I always advise if the person has stated they are picky or it is very apparent based on their words and their actions, I recommend you do not invest too much of your time. Even if you are incredibly accommodating and do what you can to please this person, it might still never be enough or they will find something very small as a reason they do not want to date you or as a reason to move on to the next person. Who really wants to deal with that? That is the reason I do not recommend getting attached to someone like this because chances are you will always be the one left wanting more or with a broken heart.

People who are super selective typically do end up staying single most of their lives. It is not your job to try to change this about them or make them fall in love with you. Why do you want to be in a position that you always have to live up to their expectations and please them constantly just for them to figure out if you are worthy enough for them? Relationships should be reciprocal. Both people mutually want to be together and want to do things to make each other happy. This person chooses you and accepts you for who you are. They are not dating you until the next best person steps into their lives or constantly looking for someone who is better in their eyes (if this even exists) because you are enough.

If you really like this person and do not want to give up on them, you can keep sticking around but when things fail to progress as planned, do not tell me I did not warn you. The best thing you can do is back off and let them select YOU. Turn the tables on them by making them work hard to be with YOU versus you always catering to them. If they do not reach out or put the effort needed to keep you in the forefront of their lives, then you know you are better off without this person. I know that might be a hard reality to accept but trust me on this one and keep it moving. It is better to know that now than to find this out days, weeks, or years later. Everyone’s time is precious and this includes yours in which it is important to stop investing it in the wrong people.

Traveling and Dating – Who Should Pay for What?

I actually have had this question asked a few times in regards to wanting solid advice on what is the right thing to do in terms of how couples should handle expenses while on vacation when they are ‘just dating’ (not married and perhaps have only have been dating for a short time). To be honest, there really is no set answer to this one because there are so many factors involved and each dating situation is different. For example, are we talking about a weekend getaway or full week vacation overseas?

I think that if one person (usually the man but hey, it’s 2020–anything is possible nowadays) is paying for all or a contribution towards your travel expenses such as the flight and accommodations then it can be expected that once you arrive at the destination, you can pick up a good amount or at least some of the food and entertainment tabs. Personally, it just feels good to reciprocate if someone is that generous to pay most of or all my travel fees up front.

If both people are paying separately and in this case for me as the woman, the man I am dating is not paying anything towards my personal travel expenses, then I do not really expect to pay for meals or much during that time away. In a normal situation when I’m NOT traveling, I do expect a man to pay for most meals (unless it is a special occasion or I am asked to pay the tip). Why? I firmly believe in gender roles and that they should still exist. Whereas I know not everyone might feel the same because the counter argument could be that most women are in the work force today. If a woman has a stable career/job and can pay for meals as well, why is she not paying those bills? I totally understand this way of thinking, it makes sense to me as well but it does not change the principle or belief that I have which is that a man should want to pay for the dates. It actually for me has nothing to do with money being spent but to do with showing a woman that he wants to take care of her along with being chivalrous and conveying his financial strength. Especially in the early stages of the dating game, if a guy is asking the woman to go 50/50 or to pay for dates, then my immediate thought is, “Next.” I do not mean that in an entitled, conceited, or stuck up kind of way. I might still stay to get to know the guy better but I am not going to invest too much of my time because I have been in the dating game long enough to know that this is the golden standard (if you ask most men, they actually do want to pay) and there are an abundance of men who would never ask a woman to take her wallet out. So why would I make an exception now or settle for someone who is a 50/50 kind of guy? I actually do not encounter those kind of men in my life because I set my standard from the start what my expectations are (which mind you, I don’t think is even much to ask) and if this were to be a problem, my response would be, “Then don’t date me.” In other words, I am not going to lower my dating standards as I could keep it moving at that point. However, with travel, I recognize things can add up fast depending on where you go and how long you are away in which I think offering to pay for things from time to time is classy and often appreciated.

Note for Men: I think it is extremely important to consider, if you do NOT plan to pay for much during the trip or expect a more equal contribution financially with how money will be spent throughout the duration of the vacation, then you absolutely need to have this conversation and set those standards. Just as it is important for women to set standards, men should be doing this as well. I have had many male friends complain to me how they do not like having to pay for things all the time when they are dating–especially if there is not a relationship status or if they are unsure how much they like the other person. I ask if they have expressed that to the person they are dating and often times the answer is, “No.” Most women would not know this is bothersome unless it is brought to their attention. Chances are, they would be more than willing to contribute or to pay for things too. Like anything in life, you just have to ask.

Why Couples Should Have Separate Bank Accounts

It has been said that one of the most common reasons for a relationship or marriage to end is due to financial matters. This can range from having two people with completely different spending habits to someone making substantially more money than the other person which can cause some level of resentment over time. (On the other hand, for some couples, this might not even be a deal breaker–it really depends on each person’s values). Before getting too seriously involved with someone, it is important to make sure you are financially compatible with someone. By that, I mean that you have some sense of how they value their money (ex: are they better at spending or saving?) and how much they have (not exact figures but things such as approximate salary, debts, etc.) Knowing this information is valuable along with discussing financial expectations as people’s views on money management can be radically different.

Once two people have established they are relatively on the same page financially, I advise to always keep bank accounts separate to prevent financial problems to arise later on within the relationship.

Each Partner Can Still Maintain Financial Independence – This is probably the most important reason for keeping things separate as it allows for both people to make their own money and do what they want with it. When there is a joint account, often times there could be arguments such as, “Why did you spend that much money on going out this week?” When both people have access to the account, there is less control on how the money is spent causing one person to get mad at the other on how the joint money is spent outside of their monthly bills.

Both People Can Take Financial Responsibility – It is good for each partner to be able to contribute financially on some level. Although it is easy to just split everything down the middle, this often times is not the case. By assigning certain monthly bills to each person to come out of their own individual account, this holds everyone accountable instead of relying on one person to be completely in charge of the finances. Although this can successfully work in certain relationships where one person is fully in charge, the downside to this is that if something happens to this person, this leaves the other person incapable of managing the finances on their own or at all.

One Person Makes Significantly More Money That the Other – If one person is making much more money than the other person, I think it is only fair for there to be separate bank accounts as the person who is making more should be entitled to be able to keep some of it for themselves as well. If everything is put together, the person who is not contributing as much could take advantage or feel a sense of guilt if they are unable to level up to their partners financially. When accounts are kept separately, this avoids potential problems or tension to build up over time.

There are pros and cons to everything including the subject matter of whether or not couples should have a joint or separate bank account. In the long run, the benefits of having a separate bank account typically outweigh the benefits of a joint account in today’s modern world, especially now where we live in a society where most households are two income households. Of course everything is situational in which it is important to have these conversations with your partner to see where each person stands on finances and what option is best for each partner.

“I Want to Take Things Slow” – What is the Translation?

When dating, the way in which the relationship is paced can vary depending on various factors such as the comfort level of the individual and what the ultimate relationship goals are. Sometimes a person will flat out declare, “I want to take things slow.” I think this can be interpreted in one of many ways and there is not exactly one definitive answer as to what this means. There are certain instances it is apparent the reasoning while other times, you just need to be patient to better understand the other person’s point of view, especially if there is not much clarity to back it up.

Not Fully Out of Last Relationship – If there are any loose ends from their last relationship or a person has not mentally recovered from the outcome of their last relationship, it can be expected that the person will want to move at a slower pace before getting too deep into the next relationship they pursue.

Fear of Commitment – Not everyone is able to fully commit to someone or are in a place in their life where they want that at the present moment. Typically if someone is not interested in a commitment, it is just easier to say they ‘want to take it slow’ than to completely spell out their true intentions–especially if this puts them at risk that the other person won’t want to stay unless there is a commitment. Keep in mind, if the reason stems from a fear of commitment or simply not wanting to commit to you, the person might never be ready or it could take an extended period of time.

Not Wanting to Be Vulnerable – It can take certain people a very long time to open up to another person. In addition, some prefer to protect their feelings out of the fear of getting rejected or abandoned in the long run. So rather than emotionally connecting to the person they are dating, to protect oneself from potentially getting hurt, the person will tend to be more guarded when proceeding with any relationship.

Multiple Options – When someone has multiple options, there is no need to really progress any of their personal relationships on a fast track because they want to compare all of their options and see which person is the best match out of all the options on hand. They might also enjoy dating multiple people or not be looking for anything serious in which none of their options will end up turning into serious leads.

Setting Boundaries – It is important to set boundaries in any relationship and sometimes this is said to do exactly that. By making this statement, it signifies to the other person to not ask for too much too soon while also putting a slight psychological wall up. It might just take some time for them to feel comfortable around you and for their boundaries to slowly come down.

Moving Too Fast Too Soon – Maybe the style in which the relationship started moved at a much quicker pace than they were ready for or perhaps their previous relationship moved too fast in which they are more consciously aware that they want to slow things down and pump the brakes a little bit.

Interest Level is Uncertain – If someone is unsure where they stand with their feelings towards someone, it makes sense to want to take things slow. It does not mean the person does not like you, their level of interest just might not have reached an intense level where they are 100% all in. Attraction is not always an instant spark but often times can be a slow build between two people which could very well have started out as friends and potentially lead into something deeper over time.

Very Focused on Career/Goals – People who are extremely focused on their careers, school, and other life goals typically do not prioritize their personal relationships. This is not to say they do not have an interest in pursuing one, it just means the person has many obligations which can prevent them from giving as much as they can within a relationship so it is to their advantage “to take things slow” so they can still stay focused on their goals while exploring the idea of building a new relationship.

One Day at a Time Approach – Some people approach just about all their relationships and many other areas of their lives on a day-by-day basis. There is nothing wrong with that as some people just need more time before really transitioning the relationship into a more serious one. This is the play it safe route and applies to someone who pursues most things with caution and mindfulness.

There are many reasons why people may want to take things at a slower rate which might feel like a negative thing initially but it does not necessarily have to translate this way. It really comes down to the personality, past relationship experience, life goals, dating preferences, and other individual factors that can dictate the pace in which they want their relationship to unfold. Some people like to move at a slower rate while others move more quickly but at the end of the day, you need to be respectful towards the needs of the other person while also keeping in mind what you are truly looking for. If you find things are not progressing at the rate you feel comfortable with, you can choose to be patient or to move on altogether.

When Words Are a Facade and So Are Actions – What to Look For Instead

There is the common saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” While there is much truth to that, I never fully agreed with that statement because some people are actually better with their words. They are more easily able to express themselves than others with words and articulate their true intent better than conveying it through their actions. They are the type you can take at face value because they say what they mean.

Then there are people who can relate more to that statement where their actions carry more weight than their words because what they say is not what they mean or they simply don’t say anything at all to express themselves. Although they may not have the capacity to really say what is on their mind per se or while also being the ones to talk a good game but their words mean nothing, then their actions will show their true hand more often than not.

In a perfect world, people’s words and actions should be pretty in line with each other. However, we all know that this often times is not the case. People tend to send what appears to be mixed messages where what they say (or don’t say) is not in harmony with what they do OR vice versa where an action does not match up whatsoever with something they said. So now what? How do you understand the underlying truth?

Solution: Pay attention to the person’s PATTERNS. This is not always an easy task if encountering a stranger or someone you do not know too well but if it is someone that you know well such as a friend, family member, co-worker, etc. then it should be a little easier to pick it up. Patterns really dictate most what a person is thinking, feeling, wanting, and provide an overall picture of this person’s intent. It is important to examine people’s patterns because this will give you better clarity and hopefully some consistency when things on the surface seem a little grey and fuzzy.

While many people are not always able to express themselves through their words or their actions at the same time, look at which more outweighs the other (words vs. actions) by observing the patterns within their behavior. It is a good practice to sit back and make some mental observations while also using your intuition as a guide. There is a reason why we have intuition, we just have to trust it more.

Why Do Some People Have Types While Others Don’t? / Do You Still Have a Chance if You are Not Someone’s Type?

Most people consciously or unconsciously have a “type” although this might not be the case for everyone. For those who do not have a type, this could be due to the fact that the person lacks dating experience, does not have preset preferences, or possesses an open minded mindset when dating. Some people truly just do not know what they are looking for so they do not have a preconceived notion of the type of person they want to be with. Others might not be too picky because they lack an abundance mindset and think more along the lines of, “Beggars can’t be choosers” meaning having a type just does not even exist in their mind because they believe their options are limited to begin with.

Although by type, this is often looks based, this could also include other criteria involved such as education, profession, etc. Those who have a set type can have one for numerous reasons. For one, the person might associate certain traits with a certain look. A woman might be attracted to an older man not based on his looks necessarily but because she associates an older man to be more established, financially stable, and to be a provider which might be all things she highly values in a partner.

Another consideration is when someone has a failed relationship, it is quite common to see the person choose the same type, whether they realize it or proactively choose to. This could occur because they are not fully over their ex and there were certain characteristics or a look that this person had in which they want to recreate that again in their future dating life. This would mean by default, they end up choosing someone who can look very similar to someone who they previously dated.

Furthermore, a type often is developed during a person’s childhood and within the environment they grew up in. This can happen in one of two ways. There could be a certain look that a person might not have been exposed to as often growing up which actually piques their interest due to scarcity which in turn makes this type more valuable in the eyes of the beholder OR the opposite where a certain type they were overly exposed to or had positive experiences with could be their type because they just naturally feel comfortable around them.

There are also certain people who are laser focused on what they want in life and know what they are looking for. This category typically has a specific type in their mind so until they find someone who fits the mold, they will not be too interested in those who are not their “type.”

So what does this mean if you are not exactly someone’s type? Does this mean you do not have a chance with this person? The answer is no! If you understand what it is about their type that they most value, have some understanding of their love map, and a good amount of patience, then you can still attract this person into your life and perhaps make them fall completely in love with you. As specific as someone might be about what they are looking for, you would be amazed how often the person can still equally fall for someone who is not their type whatsoever. I see it happen all the time and it has even happened to me. This is because love [often times] is not a rational choice so never think you do not have a chance with someone if you’re not someone who they would normally go for because you might very well be able to prove them otherwise. 😉

Relationship for the Wrong Reasons – Do Any of These Apply to You?

When going into any relationship, it is important to be emotionally available while also being at a point in your life where you actually want to pursue one. More importantly, one should consider choosing to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Of course this varies from person to person and it is good to make sure you are both on the same page before anything gets too serious. Often times, people get into a relationship that might appear to be coming from a good place but beneath the surface when you fully examine it, this is not actually the case.

The next time you are dating or building a relationship with someone new, it is important to not only assess the other person’s motives but more importantly, really dig deep and make a self assessment of your true intent. Pretty much it comes down to: Why are you dating this [specific] person? Since that is a rather general question, I want to actually break it down into factors you should really think about in regards to whether or not you are in a relationship for the right reasons or if you are in one for the wrong reasons in which you might need to reconsider if you belong in it to begin with. Here is a general list of quite common but wrongful reasons to be in a relationship:

I don’t like to be alone or feel lonely. – Unfortunately, I see this happen quite often where someone is constantly in a relationship because of their fear of being alone or not having someone there for them when they need them. This is a problem because this simply means that you can date just about *anyone* in order to eliminate your fear of being by yourself. Being single does not have to be a scary thing, so stop perceiving it that way.

I just want to feel loved by someone. – Yes, I would say that love is a basic emotional need that most people crave or desire to have in their lives but first and foremost, you need to love yourself first! I am sure you also have plenty of people within your social circle including family, friends, co-workers, etc. who care about you on a deeper level in which you will be okay if you are not currently with someone who is in love with you.

It is much easier to get over someone if I start fresh with a new relationship. – I get the logic behind this reason but this is definitely the wrong mindset to have when you are getting to know someone new. Especially if the other person broke up with you and there are lingering feelings left behind, there is really no way to move forward with someone new until you are actually over your ex and can wholeheartedly date with a clean slate again.

Being in this relationship is convenient and there are added perks like saving money on living expenses. – A relationship really should not be a business transaction although I understand that once finances get involved, it can easily turn into one. My point is, if your main motive for dating this person is out of convenience to save money or you like that the person does your house chores or whatever it is that feels like a bonus to you, then you do not really like the person for who they are, just what they do to make your life easier.

The other person really likes me and I do not think I will ever find someone who treats me this well. – This is another weak mindset that shows that you have a scarcity mentality where you do not believe you are capable of meeting someone who loves you and worships you–and who you mutually are in love with in return. That is not true unless your mind actually believes that. Staying with someone simply because “this person likes me so much” and it is not exactly mutual on your end is not the right reason to stay. This is called settling. It is not fair to the other person to keep it going if you do not think you can get to the same emotional, physical, and spiritual level with the other person who feels that way towards you. You cannot force it, so don’t.

Everyone else I know is in a relationship right now and on social media. – Okay if you are someone who is that heavily influenced by social media or by what appears “everyone” else is doing, I find that to be a major red flag in and of itself because quite frankly, who cares what other people are doing–(what exactly are you doing?) In other words, you should be staying in your own lane and focus on your own life’s path. This is also the key to developing your own inner happiness.

At the end of the day, if you are going to choose to be with someone, you have to want to be with that person because it is coming from a genuine place in your heart. You also recognize that this person is far from perfect but someone you greatly admire, accept for who they are, want to share your life with, and thoroughly enjoy their companionship.

You Need to Be A Catch Before You Can Catch the Best Fish

I was having a conversation with someone who needed some advice about dating and was not having much luck with it. I think the dating world can be a tough place to be in, I understand that but if you find that you are consistently unlucky in terms of finding matches or people who want to date you, then a different approach is needed. The main focus should be on yourself and what makes you a desirable person. I think often times many people set very high standards for the type of person they want to be with and can be very picky in terms of who they want to date. That is great to know what you are looking for and setting the bar; however, are you also setting the bar that high for yourself? If the question is no, then how can one expect to attract the best matches or any match to begin with?

I come across this quite often when people tell me that they cannot really meet someone and it is very obvious the reason. The harsh reality is this: The person does not have much to offer. There could be one or many contributing factors that lead me to that conclusion such as a lack of self care, unhealthy habits, no clear career path, money problems, lack of self love, etc. In order to be ready for the dating world, wouldn’t one want to be able to offer their best version of themselves to the world? The first step is to become that best version of self because in the process of doing so, I can guarantee that you will automatically without putting any effort into impressing someone else attract someone who would want to pursue you. That essentially is how the law of attraction works. You put in the right positive energy (in this case, investing in yourself) and you attract that positive energy back your way.

At the end of the day, you need to be a catch before you can catch the best fish. 😉 This does not just apply to dating, this can apply to anything such as landing a job or receiving a promotion. You really need to focus on being a catch first and everything else will follow. You will be able to catch the best fish and by this I mean opportunities simply by putting in the work necessary to be best version of yourself. You also have to really want this for yourself before you focus on wanting to be with someone else. That should always be your first priority.

What is a Love Map? – Understanding How It Can Influence Your Relationship Partner Choices

I think the concept of a love map is rather interesting and really would explain why people gravitate towards the people they choose to date or the people they form a crush on. I would describe a love map as a personalized criteria of what a person is looking for in a mate that is heavily influenced by childhood experiences, their environment, and the overall needs needed to provide them fulfillment within a relationship (often times, this includes their psychological unmet needs).

Do you ever notice that you might have a specific type look wise or there are certain types of people you automatically would never date even if they put their very best efforts to woo you? You might also be faced with situations that you are attracted to someone who you never thought you would date based on the surface but somehow you manage to completely fall in love with that person. The reason why you cannot always put your finger on it is because we all have our own love map that guides us to that final destination–in this case to the person we ideally want to be with as they fulfill most of the items on our love maps. I often times bring up the conscious vs. subconscious mind in which the love map is developed within your subconscious mind even though you might have a conscious list of things you look for in a partner.

When relating this to your childhood, the bond you have with your parents, especially your opposite gender parent (whether positive or negative) really can serve as a contributing factor in what will make up items on your love map. For example, when I look at my own childhood, I had a stay at home father who was very attentive to my all my needs, especially my emotional needs. Now on a conscious level, I would not say that I am looking for a man who wants to be a stay at home dad. On a conscious level, I would say I want to be with a man who is career driven; however, on a deep subconscious level, the truth of the matter is that I really do gravitate towards men with a very caring demeanor (like my father) who often times do NOT end up being career driven, and are very sweet with a big heart. Being that this was an environmental factor that I was exposed to growing up, this very much explains why I often times always end up with someone who is more on the softer side and more of an emotionally in tuned individual because my childhood experience shaped my belief to value this quality which ultimately became a quality on my love map. I might say I am proactively looking for one thing (in this case, someone who I label as career driven) but what ultimately controls the choice I make is based on my personal love map which has already been created and stored away in my subconscious mind. This is not to say you cannot have someone who possesses both these qualities, I am just pointing out what outweighs the other when both are presented to you. Often times, your love map cannot be altered as many of the things that are on it really developed subconsciously at such a young age as you’re growing up and transitioning into adulthood.

The love map is a great tool to be mindful of when you are in the dating world and in the process of getting to know someone else. It is probably a bit too bold and forward to flat out ask someone, “So what exactly is on your love map?” as many would not even know what that is or have a concrete answer to it; however when getting to know someone, if you really examine their childhood and environment growing up, it can help you better understand what they prioritize in a meaningful relationship and life partner. Knowing this information can help you determine if you are the right fit for them as they are for you but keep in mind that you do not have the power to change the other person’s love map while also keeping in mind that if you personally do not have the majority of the items on their love map, chances are this will not change over time and the person will not have the capacity to form a deep attachment to you.

Reliability vs. Trust – How Are They Different and What is More Important?

I find it quite interesting that when you look up the words reliability and/or trust, that they can be considered synonyms for each other although their actual meanings are rather different. I suppose reliability can be a form of trust and vice versa but I will explain to you how they vary and my perspective on both.

Often times when you ask a person, what is most important within a relationship or friendship, the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is trust. I find that answer to be a valuable one but I mean, isn’t that a given? By that I mean, does anyone want to be with someone who they do not trust? I didn’t think so. At the same time, I recognize that people immediately give this response because there is no denying that it is an important quality and it is not always easy to find someone you can trust. It is also a very popular and generic answer, so why not go with it? A reason why I personally do not respond with trust as one of the most important factors is because I can control how much trust I have in an individual. We all have the capacity to control the levels in which we trust people–it is our personal choice at the end of the day. I can choose to trust someone to keep a secret or I can choose to not tell the person at all. I can choose to trust someone to be loyal to me (aka not cheat) or I can choose to not trust that person to be loyal in which I would not choose to be dating that person as it is against my moral code and values. My point is that trust is something we give to someone if we feel the person has earned it or we feel the person to be a trustworthy one.

When I look at the word reliability and determine whether a person is deemed as a reliable person, I associate this more with a person’s consistency and stability. Does the person show up to an event when they say they will or even show up at all? Does the person follow through with the things that they say and do? I find that this is a quality that we have very little control over in a person as someone is either reliable or they are not. Sure, someone can be reliable some of the time and sometimes not but then I would say that person really cannot be labeled as reliable unless it is a good majority of the time. It is for this reason when I am asked about important qualities I look for in a friend or someone I am dating, reliability is my number one answer. It is such an underrated quality yet so significant. I want someone who is reliable and I know I can count on (if not all the time, at least 9 times out of 10). Personally, I do not have much tolerance for people who are flakey, unpredictable, and who simply are not there as needed.

Everyone has their own set of values and standards when it comes to the type of people we want to attract into our lives. We should always be seeking people we can trust as that is a basic emotional necessity that goes without saying but we should also be seeking people who are known for their reliability.