Category Archives: Dating Advice for Women

5 Signs You’re Not With the Right Partner

When looking for a life partner, there may come times when you question whether or not you should stay in your current relationship. Although I can probably think of a more extensive list as to signs to look for when determining if it’s time to end a relationship, I came up with my top five list. The list below should help you to decide if the relationship is worth pursuing or whether or not it is meant to last over time.

There Are Way Too Many Things to Fix – If you find that you’re with someone who you want to change many things about them, this person simply is not the one. Of course the person you are with will not possess everything you are looking for; however, if the person is missing many things that you’re looking for in a life partner then you should consider moving on because ideally you want to be with someone who you can accept the person for who they are including both their good and bad traits. For example, if you can’t stand their eating habits or how they manage their money, rather than trying to change them, find a person who is more aligned with how you choose to live your life. Why settle on a “fixer upper relationship” where you constantly have to change the person and shape them into your dream partner? It just isn’t worth it! I have a better idea: Why don’t you break it off for good and keep the door open for your dream partner to come into your life?

Your Partner Is Not Over Their Ex – For me personally, this is a huge deal breaker. Think about it, why waste your time dating someone who can’t stop talking about their past and is not completely over their ex? You should want to build a future with someone who is fully in the present with you and doesn’t have a lingering past that they are still currently living in. If you notice that the person you are with does not seem to have healed from their last relationship, rather than continuing to date in hopes that they will get over their ex over time, it probably is best to not invest any of your time with this person until you know that they are ready to move forward.

Lack of Trust – I think it goes without saying that you should not be with someone who you do not trust or has betrayed your trust at some point during the course of your relationship. Although you might be able to forgive and forget, it is often tough to totally trust the person again depending on the depth of deception. I also want to point out, if the person has trust issues against you with no real justification for it, this is another indication that it is not worth it to stay because you will constantly have to walk on eggshells to prove that you can be trusted which can get really exhausting over time if you’re being challenged on a daily basis.

Other Options In the Back of Your Mind – If the thought of someone else ever comes to your mind or if you would be open to giving your number to a stranger if they asked, you definitely are not with the right person. When you are with the person you truly care about, you wouldn’t look at anyone else in a romantic way. You also would not even consider giving your personal information to someone else because you are happily taken and only have love for the person you are with. If you find that you are open to the idea of spending time with another person who isn’t your partner, that should be a strong indicator that you need to break it off altogether as opposed to settling on someone who isn’t your most desired match.

You Just Don’t See a Future With This Person – Sometimes it can take time to see if your partner’s life and yours can merge into a future together. If you’re at a point where you just don’t see your life paths going in the same direction, then despite how strongly you might feel for this person, it might be better to end the relationship. For example, if your partner only plans to live in a city and you can’t see yourself making this life change, then there is no future unless one can make a compromise. In addition, if you don’t envision yourself being with this person in the next few years, you need to question the reason you feel this way and this feeling might give you the clarity that’s needed to find a better suited life partner that you can actually see a future with.

If Someone Walks Away – Let Them Walk

I know I have written something along the lines of this topic previously and it actually to this day still receives the most amount of hits on my blog. It is rewarding to know that people find the message to be valuable and one in which I could only hope that people apply to life and take seriously. Basically the message is this: If someone walks away, let them walk. On the surface, this might come across as harsh or unnecessary. However, it is necessary if you want to move forward within your personal life and start a new chapter that leads to freedom and happiness along with a better future. TOO OFTEN I see people chasing after people who will never value them in return or are holding onto a false hope that their ex will miraculously walk back into their lives again and that they can just “live happily ever after.” Although there might be instances where an ex comes back, usually it is just for the short term because the initial problems that existed tend to arise again because they were never fully resolved the first time.

I understand that there are various reasons to explain why people can’t let go. Many people want to try and make things work because they simply aren’t over the person but it is important to know that time does heal everything. You need to provide yourself ample time and space away from the person to move on. I also recognize that for some, people stay with someone out of convenience and comfort; however, that is never really the right reason to keep a relationship because that essentially is just settling. There are also people who believe that they will never find a better match for themselves but that is definitely not case as I already know that this person is not a good match if they cannot even reciprocate their love for you in return. Regardless of the reason, the outcome still has not changed: The person walked away. Think about it, why choose someone who does not choose you in return? That in and of itself should be the strong deciding factor in your mind as to why you do not want to be with this person either.

It is for this reason why you should develop an ‘all or nothing’ mindset when approaching your personal relationships. If someone is not investing their ALL in you, then you should want NOTHING from this person in return. Please stop settling on someone who is inconsistent with their intent in regards to being with you or someone that’s here today but gone tomorrow. You want to be with someone who is showing up everyday and is there for you through the good and the bad and more importantly, accepts you for who you are. People tend to hold onto any form of validation that exists (even when it is minimal) to justify why they like the person or to create a strong belief that this person likes them back. [On a side note, some people are just genuinely nice people which might make them appear as though they are attracted to you but that should not be confused with them having mutual feelings of romantic interest. It is possible for someone to be extremely nice to you but not be interested whatsoever].

As incredibly hard as it might be in the beginning to let someone go in its entirety, just know that you are doing the right thing for both yourself and the other person. In order to make this a smoother process, you have to remember two things. One–You deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to walk away from you. Two–You need to truly believe that a better suited partner exists. Many seem to forget that there are plenty of options in the Universe and that this one person is not the only person whom you will form a connection with. It is essential that you keep your mind open to the possibilities and in your heart know that you will find everything you are looking for and much more. There is no reason to turn back so just let the people who walk away to completely walk away from you so that you can clear the path for the right person to walk into your life. ❤

Don’t Ever Become a Beggar Within Your Dating Life

There might be many instances in life where the expression, “Beggars can’t be choosers” applies but your dating life should never be one of them. People make excuses as to why they should settle or just date someone for the sake of having someone. I don’t care if you just got out of a relationship or marriage because failed relationships do not define you–finding love again can still be within your future. I don’t care how old you are because no one has an expiration date or a deadline as to when they find the love of their life. I don’t care if you’re currently unemployed, out of shape, have kids from a previous relationship, etc. Whatever the excuse is, it is time to throw them out the window because they are simply just excuses and do not have to stand in the way of you finding your very best relationship–whether that be with self (as there is nothing wrong with being single) or with a romantic partner.

It blows my mind when people apply these limitations because the result often leads to one settling for an undesirable relationship due to the belief that there are not enough options or a better suited option. Again, this is a scarcity mindset which prevents the creation of abundance in life. If you truly believe your options are limited, then guess what? Yeah, they unfortunately will stay limited because your inner most thoughts determine your reality.

In my opinion, choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in life and not one you should ever take lightly. No matter what your current circumstance is, you should never feel pressured to settle or go through the motions of staying in a long term relationship if you do not feel it is the right fit. You need to set the bar high and keep that bar high because you are deserving to be with someone who you choose to be with and in return this person chooses you back. Remember, it has to go both ways because it is a lost cause if you choose someone who doesn’t value you in the same exact way.

I remember once hearing on a television show many years ago that you should be with someone in which you feel like you hit the lottery. In other words, you want to be with someone who makes you feel incredibly lucky to have in your life. The only difference is, winning the lottery is based on luck whereas with finding love, you essentially CHOOSE your luck which is why you need to be a CHOOSER in your dating life, not a beggar who is willing to take any person who comes their way. True love is always worth the wait so remember to choose very wisely! ❤

Going Back to An Ex Immediately After a Breakup – Why It Is a Major Red Flag on Multiple Levels

Although I do not follow much celebrity gossip these days, it is hard to escape the current headlines that are surfacing that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck reconnected and planned a getaway in Montana. Despite the fact that they were together over 15 years ago, I actually predicted that they would “get together” in some way. I was not expecting it to be this soon after her recent broken engagement with Alex Rodriguez; however, at the same time, human nature never fails to surprise me. Certain outcomes are so incredibly predictable when you take the time to understand people’s behaviors and often times, many of these same situations are portrayed on a television show, movie, or in real life. You do not need to be a celebrity to experience these things because everyday people fall in love along with going through breakups. The only major difference is that their lives are out for public display and can easily be googled if you are looking for an update on their personal status.

Every relationship is different and without much information, I am not here to judge people for their decisions and how they go about living life after a breakup. I can provide my honest feedback, general analysis, and opinion of the situation but that is the extent of it. On a fundamental level, not knowing too many details, I strongly believe going back to any ex (doesn’t matter how long ago they were dating, when they broke up, why it ended, etc.) soon after a current relationship ended is not only a red flag but I want to emphasize, a MAJOR red flag–yes, on multiple levels. I not only find it outright distasteful but it really reveals a lot about a person’s true character; specifically one’s character flaws which I will go into in further detail.

Trouble Letting Go of Their Past – I would say that most people have a really hard time letting go of their past. Their past life has a stronger impact on their present life than their actual present and future which is why you see people constantly making the same mistakes because they simply never learned the first time. It is acceptable to make mistakes in life but failing to learn from them is when it becomes a reoccurring problem. It is also troublesome dating someone who holds onto their past as you never really know if they have fully moved on and are ready to turn the page onto a new chapter.

Never Really Over the Person to Begin With – When I see someone going back to an ex on a romantic level at any given point, I always question if this person ever really got over this person at the time of the breakup. It can often show that the person never fully recovered and as a result has unresolved feelings towards someone they were previously dating.

Cannot Handle Being Single for Long Periods of Time – There are going to be times in life when you are single and when you are in a relationship. Unfortunately, you will find there are many people who feel uncomfortable when they are single and are always looking for a replacement soon after a relationship ended. I do not view this as healthy as one should be able to live a happy life with or without a significant other.

Reconnecting Just Out of Convenience – Sometimes there are no true feelings left for their ex but pursuing an ex provides stability, comfort, intimacy, and/or convenience. People should not be keeping the door open for their exes just so they can serve as “comfort objects.” (If one is looking for such a thing, stop choosing people for this purpose and maybe consider buying a cozy blanket).

Inability to Accept Change – Many people are a creature of habit which does not always have to be labeled as a bad thing but I do view it as a bad thing when one is unable to cope with a breakup (the change) and feel the need to have someone (in this case an ex) as they cannot deal with the change in its entirety so the only solution is to keep an ex around for the sake of it.

Revenge Tactic – I would say this is probably the worst reason as to why someone goes back to an ex–to make their most recent ex jealous, display a lack of empathy, and/or to show that they never really got over an ex in the first place. Sadly, I do see people do this out of revenge and no matter what the inner motive behind it is, revenge is never seen as a positive thing.

I want to point out, I do believe that organically (by that I mean by chance), it is possible for two people who once dated can cross paths later in their lives and perhaps rekindle their love again if the time apart was needed for their lives to become more aligned later as anything is possible in one’s lifetime. However, when you see someone proactively pursuing an ex RIGHT AFTER they got out of a relationship or their ex pursued them and they go for it, this is when the situation becomes problematic and one in which you want to stay far away from. At the end of the day, people are going to do what they want and are always showing you who they are as a person. When you come across a red flag, the good thing is that this actually makes it much easier to move on with your life and focus on your future. So despite red flags being a negative thing, consider them as a positive thing when they are guiding you away from someone else.

Why Going Back to An Ex Has A Negative Impact On Your Spiritual Path and Self Development

A friend had asked me a few days ago, “Do you miss any of your exes and wish you could go back to any of them?” Without a hint of hesitation, my response was, “Absolutely, NOT.” Does this make me a cold hearted individual? No, not at all. I look at it like this: The past needs to stay in the past. Life should be progressing forward. In order to spiritually grow and create a brighter future for yourself, the ship needs to sail to a new destination (in this case, a new relationship or happily single to work on yourself also applies here too).

You can still appreciate what the relationship brought to you at that moment and I encourage you to do so. With the good times, there were also life lessons. I never regret any of my previous relationships because that is what the Universe attracted into my life during that time and even though it did not last forever, it still served a purpose. No matter the duration, I never look at it as “wasted time” and no one should ever view it that way. Do you look at your previous jobs as wasted time if you did not stay at one company the entire time? No, of course not because this is what you choose to be a part of your life experience and most people explore multiple job opportunities within their career path.

Relationships shape you as an individual but they also prepare you for someone even better. Yes, you heard me. Your future is going to be far more superior than your past. In order for that scenario to play out, you need to believe that with every ounce of your soul (not just because I said you so) along with taking the ACTION needed to make that happen for yourself. This means completely letting go of your past without leaving any open doors for an ex to creep back in–unfortunately, we all know there are many desperate and needy people out there who try to knock on the door for another chance. This also means having the mental strength to not want to revisit the past either. In other words, it goes both ways. You have to shut the door but you also have to have the burning desire to want to start over with a clean slate. If you are despairingly in search of finding a new partner simply to replace your ex when your mind is still not over the last person you dated, then you clearly have not taken the definitive action that is needed to clear your past.

Whether you broke it off or they did or maybe it was mutual, cut your losses and move on with your life. Trust me, it is for the greater good for everyone because each person can grow from the experience and move onto a new life path. Personally, I find it exciting to know what the future will bring than to ever even consider pursuing a failed relationship. If it did not work out the first time, what is the point in going back? For security? Convenience? Comfort? Lack of belief that there is a better suited match? People tend to go back for the wrong reasons, settle for less than they deserve, and/or stay attached to a false hope that they will reunite with an ex. In certain situations, I think there is room for optimism but the majority of time, it just isn’t worth it. Remember, as I often like to quote from Frank Sinatra’s famous song title, “The best is yet to come.” You just have not experienced it just yet but keep your mind open to the possibilities because the Universe will make it happen (this does not only apply to love, it applies to everything in life!)–Trust the process and you shall receive its greatest gifts! 😉

A Quality Often Overlooked Within a Relationship But Quite An Important One

There are many qualities to look for when in the pursuit of a meaningful relationship and everyone’s personal criteria and love map can vary. This can also change over time in which something you valued in your youth might not even be within your current criteria. Perhaps there was a quality that you thought was a high priority only to find that after experiencing it, you came to the realization it is not something you want anymore. My point is, there are many qualities that exist with some being more important than others just depending on the person you talk to or someone you choose to date. If you were to ask someone what they look for, common answers can include: Trust, intelligence, career driven, generous, wealthy, physically attractive, etc. However, a quality that I do not hear too many people talk about but I find to be quite an important one is examining a person’s emotional stability.

Emotional stability to me can translate into many things and is something you can really pick up most through a person’s behaviors and (re)actions (actions as well but I want to emphasize reactions). I do not think you can really ask someone how emotionally stable they are and expect a direct and honest answer in response. This is why you need to pay close attention to how a person behaves and reacts to really get a good assessment. More specifically, here are some things to consider:

– How does this person handle rejection?
– How does this person react (ex: anger, sadness, indifference, etc.) during a conflict?
– Is this person able to take accountability and apologize when they are wrong?
– How does this person cope with a failed relationship?
– Does this person have trouble letting go of any emotional baggage from their past?
– What happens when something does not go their way?
– How quickly can this person bounce back from a bad situation?
– How does this person react towards a major life crisis along with more trivial matters?
– How does this person treat their friends and family when there is a conflict?
– How are you treated when there is a problem within the relationship?

I can probably make a longer list but these are some questions to think about when you are in the process of getting to know someone new. You might not be able to get all the answers immediately but you should absolutely keep these in the back of your mind from the start and during the course of the relationship. Emotional stability is an important quality to look for because it is a fundamental component needed in building a healthy relationship which often will increase the chance of long term success.

5 Thoughtful Valentine’s Day Gestures That Won’t Break the Bank

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, it is that time of year that people like to express their love and show gratitude towards their partner. Although we know that this should be done on an every day basis as opposed to focusing it only on one day, it is still nice to do something thoughtful for the person to show that you care. Some people like to spend a good amount of money on gifts but sometimes the nicest gifts are not of high monetary value. Here I will share a few thoughtful things you can do to make Valentine’s Day special that does not require overspending.

Make a Card Instead of Buying One – It does not have to be fancy or over the top but I always believe that a hand made card is always more thoughtful than buying one because it is one of a kind and made from the heart. You also do not have to be overly artistic to make one.

Create a Valentine’s Day Playlist – You can create a playlist with love themed songs or choose your partner’s most favorite songs. It can be played on Valentine’s Day but best of all, it can be played at any time.

Invent a “Love Potion #9” Drink – This is actually the name of a movie that came out in the 1990’s but according to mythology, a “love potion” is a drink that one drinks to fall in love. So why not for fun invent your own love potion drink for your partner that you can both enjoy together? It can be a special cocktail of their favorite flavors or maybe a unique fruit punch.

Take Selfies With a Polaroid – Creating and capturing memories are some of the most valuable gifts that you can cherish for years to come. I suggest taking the photos with a polaroid camera as the photos print instantly and then you have copies that you can each keep. If you do not have one, you can still take the photos with your cell phone or a regular digital camera and order prints directly from your phone.

Give a Scrapbook or Memory Box – Take the time to gather some mementos you might have including things such as photos, ticket stubs, business cards and/or brochures of places you went to, souvenirs, etc and put them together in a scrapbook or put them in a box to give to your partner. It is special because it is an accumulation of things that you both shared together and you both can continue to add more mementos over time.

Remember, no matter what you decide to do for Valentine’s Day, as long as you put some thought and add a personal touch to what you do, your Valentine is guaranteed to be very happy! ❤ 🙂

The Hidden Meaning Behind A Person With “Commitment Issues”

As I always like to point out when you are out in the dating world, you have to remember that what someone says is not exactly what they mean. Even if you are bold enough to flat out ask the person where you stand or what their personal situation is, you are still often times going to be left in the dark. Most people communicate in a way that is vague AF and/or simply do not want to lay out their true intentions. The reasons for this could include that the person wants to keep you as a backup option (hate to say it but it can happen), has a busy life where dating is not their top priority, and/or more often than not, the person doesn’t know how to be honest if that involves hurting the the other person’s feelings. I find more women struggle with this than men do.

There might be a time you encounter someone with “commitment issues”–their words of course and not yours. I would say that if the person states commitment issues and follows that with a story in which they have cheated in their past (perhaps on multiple occasions), then that is a justified label and would make sense saying that because I would agree, a pattern of cheating does very well = commitment issues. Another situation a person could have commitment problems is if they have practically a zero dating record. As in, this person has never had a serious relationship or the relationships were all or mostly casual. That is definitely a commitment issue as well.

If the person does not provide a rational explanation behind their commitment issues, I would first and foremost suggest that you keep things moving or just keep the person as a friend rather than a potential romantic love interest because no matter what the true reason is, a commitment issue is NEVER a positive thing and definitely not a sign that you should stick around. If you are just looking for some added clarity, then you just need to read between the lines and dig deep as to what the real underlying issue is. I can easily list a few although it can be something else that is personal to that person or even a combination of the reasons listed below.

Emotional Attachment to Someone Else – There is a very high chance that if a person cannot commit to you, this is due to the fact that they are not over an ex or they already are currently emotionally invested into someone else in their present life.

Stuck in the Past/Fear of Getting Hurt – If the person was left deeply hurt by someone else, then this person might think that every person they meet has the potential to do the same thing so rather than move forward into the future and start fresh, this person is constantly living within their past and unfortunately just stays there.

Wants to Date Around and Not Settle on One Person – Not everyone is at the same stage in life where they want to settle down to one person and start a family. It can take longer for some people and some people want to casually date around before getting too serious with one person only.

Extremely Selective – Chances are, if a person is very selective, their dating history is very limited or non existent because they never find people they want to fully commit to. So the underlying problem is not that they cannot commit, they probably could if they were not so picky when choosing a mate.

Came From a Broken Home and/or Divorced Parents – This is extremely common where you will meet someone who grew up in a single parent household (so they did not see the love between their two parents) or witnessed their parents fighting which lead to a divorce and as a result left a painful imprint on the person’s heart and soul. It could also impact a person in a way where they do not want to commit to anyone because they have never seen what a healthy and happy relationship could look like.

Just Not Into You on a Romantic Level – Most people do not know how to flat out tell someone they are not interested so rather than coming forward with the truth, they will throw any excuse from the book to make it seem like it is not you and it is a problem on their end such as their “commitment issues” and etc. Trust me, when a person is into you, they are not going to shy away from the opportunity to commit to you and will not give you a bogus excuse to prevent the start of a committed relationship with you–bottom line.

Focus on the Foundation More Than Feelings for Long Term Relationship Success

I think we have all been there before at some point within our lives where our heart fills up with butterflies upon entering a new relationship. Your feelings drive the highs of the relationship and you’re on cloud nine 24/7. I believe this is a great start to any relationship but there comes a time where you need to think with your head a little more than your heart in order to get back to reality. The reality is, feelings do fade over time. I can say from personal experience that I have fallen out of love plenty of times within my lifetime. It is the worst reality to experience but quite a common one which explains why most long term relationships do not survive in the long run. So what exactly can be done to prevent this? This is why I emphasize that you cannot get hooked on the feelings you have towards someone–no matter how great the person might make you feel in the present moment or how much you love having them be a part of your life. You really need to examine the relationship by looking many steps ahead (such as seeing if you both have the same life goals along with wanting the same things within the relationship) but more importantly, focus on the foundation of the relationship above anything else.

Now I know you might be wondering, what exactly are the key components that make up the foundation of a strong and stable relationship? This is where you need to do your homework by digging deep from within to figure out what is most important to you. What are your values and beliefs? What are your spending and saving habits? How do you enjoy your free time? How much time do you like to spend with your partner and by yourself? There are many factors to consider when choosing a life partner which is why it is essential to really think about what you care about most and compare them with the person you are dating to see if your priorities are in alignment and determine the level of your compatibility. Many people fail to really find out this information during the dating phase and get too caught up in the moment which ultimately leads to the relationship fizzling over time because there was no emphasis on building a strong foundation from the ground up. If the foundation is there from the start, it is much easier to maintain the relationship while also continuing to grow together over time.

“Out of Touch? – I’m Out of Time” – When to Keep it Moving

Hall & Oates absolutely had it right back in 1984 with their ever so catchy hit, “Out of Touch.” I figured out a way to add it to my post so you can take a listen if you are not familiar with the song. Despite its popularity at the time, I do not think I actually became aware of how much I liked this song until maybe ten years ago when I actually payed attention to the words. This song never gets old to me by ear but when examining the lyrics, I developed a deeper appreciation for the track.

It is without a doubt that communication is a necessity in any healthy relationship. Although many people live busy lives, the good news is that thanks to technology, there are many ways to stay in contact with someone. I would say the easiest is by text but a good old fashioned phone call is just as effective. For people in long distance relationships or for those who want to have the ability to see each other face-to-face, there are also ways to connect in a virtual platform such as Skype or Zoom. What I am getting at with all of this is that with so many available options to connect, there is really no excuse for a communication barrier unless the person is doing something very important at a given moment, in the company of others where it would be rude to utilize their phone, in some sort of emergency situation, or lost their phone altogether. Of course there are plenty of other legitimate reasons that can explain why someone is not able to respond right away but there are also plenty of reasons why someone is out of touch for unjustifiable reasons (such as laziness or lack of care) in which you need to recognize this difference.

When people come to me seeking advice regarding what to do when someone they are starting to date or getting to know takes their sweet time to respond to a text message (I’m not talking hours, I’m talking an extensive amount of days or perhaps weeks) or does not even initiate much contact to begin with, my response is, “Out of touch, out of time.” Meaning that if someone is taking too long to reply on a day-to-day basis or does not make much of an effort to want to be in contact with you, no matter how interested you might be, there is no need to double text or chase them. It is time to accept the reality that the person is not that interested or perhaps is “too busy” and to just keep it moving. Think about it: Is it really acceptable to be with someone who is here today and gone tomorrow? Is there a good reason for making excuses for someone’s lack of communication (aka lack of interest)? I always remind people that a delayed response or no response at all tends to speak volumes of their true intent or in this case, lack of intent. Trust me, if someone wants to track you down or reply to you, the person knows how to and has plenty of ways to get a hold of you.

Let me break it down in another way: If the other person drops the ball, it is not your responsibility to pick it up so don’t. Instead, let it roll away and be in the hands of someone who will want to pick it up. It is really that simple.

On a final note, the next time this happens to you, please don’t question why, please don’t feel bad about yourself, please don’t chase them, and please don’t invest any more of your mental energy–just remember to sing in your head Hall & Oate’s famous line, “You’re out of touch, I’m out of time.” 😉 Then focus your attention elsewhere.