Category Archives: Dating Advice for Women

Going Back to An Ex Immediately After a Breakup – Why It Is a Major Red Flag on Multiple Levels

Although I do not follow much celebrity gossip these days, it is hard to escape the current headlines that are surfacing that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck reconnected and planned a getaway in Montana. Despite the fact that they were together over 15 years ago, I actually predicted that they would “get together” in some way. I was not expecting it to be this soon after her recent broken engagement with Alex Rodriguez; however, at the same time, human nature never fails to surprise me. Certain outcomes are so incredibly predictable when you take the time to understand people’s behaviors and often times, many of these same situations are portrayed on a television show, movie, or in real life. You do not need to be a celebrity to experience these things because everyday people fall in love along with going through breakups. The only major difference is that their lives are out for public display and can easily be googled if you are looking for an update on their personal status.

Every relationship is different and without much information, I am not here to judge people for their decisions and how they go about living life after a breakup. I can provide my honest feedback, general analysis, and opinion of the situation but that is the extent of it. On a fundamental level, not knowing too many details, I strongly believe going back to any ex (doesn’t matter how long ago they were dating, when they broke up, why it ended, etc.) soon after a current relationship ended is not only a red flag but I want to emphasize, a MAJOR red flag–yes, on multiple levels. I not only find it outright distasteful but it really reveals a lot about a person’s true character; specifically one’s character flaws which I will go into in further detail.

Trouble Letting Go of Their Past – I would say that most people have a really hard time letting go of their past. Their past life has a stronger impact on their present life than their actual present and future which is why you see people constantly making the same mistakes because they simply never learned the first time. It is acceptable to make mistakes in life but failing to learn from them is when it becomes a reoccurring problem. It is also troublesome dating someone who holds onto their past as you never really know if they have fully moved on and are ready to turn the page onto a new chapter.

Never Really Over the Person to Begin With – When I see someone going back to an ex on a romantic level at any given point, I always question if this person ever really got over this person at the time of the breakup. It can often show that the person never fully recovered and as a result has unresolved feelings towards someone they were previously dating.

Cannot Handle Being Single for Long Periods of Time – There are going to be times in life when you are single and when you are in a relationship. Unfortunately, you will find there are many people who feel uncomfortable when they are single and are always looking for a replacement soon after a relationship ended. I do not view this as healthy as one should be able to live a happy life with or without a significant other.

Reconnecting Just Out of Convenience – Sometimes there are no true feelings left for their ex but pursuing an ex provides stability, comfort, intimacy, and/or convenience. People should not be keeping the door open for their exes just so they can serve as “comfort objects.” (If one is looking for such a thing, stop choosing people for this purpose and maybe consider buying a cozy blanket).

Inability to Accept Change – Many people are a creature of habit which does not always have to be labeled as a bad thing but I do view it as a bad thing when one is unable to cope with a breakup (the change) and feel the need to have someone (in this case an ex) as they cannot deal with the change in its entirety so the only solution is to keep an ex around for the sake of it.

Revenge Tactic – I would say this is probably the worst reason as to why someone goes back to an ex–to make their most recent ex jealous, display a lack of empathy, and/or to show that they never really got over an ex in the first place. Sadly, I do see people do this out of revenge and no matter what the inner motive behind it is, revenge is never seen as a positive thing.

I want to point out, I do believe that organically (by that I mean by chance), it is possible for two people who once dated can cross paths later in their lives and perhaps rekindle their love again if the time apart was needed for their lives to become more aligned later as anything is possible in one’s lifetime. However, when you see someone proactively pursuing an ex RIGHT AFTER they got out of a relationship or their ex pursued them and they go for it, this is when the situation becomes problematic and one in which you want to stay far away from. At the end of the day, people are going to do what they want and are always showing you who they are as a person. When you come across a red flag, the good thing is that this actually makes it much easier to move on with your life and focus on your future. So despite red flags being a negative thing, consider them as a positive thing when they are guiding you away from someone else.

Why Going Back to An Ex Has A Negative Impact On Your Spiritual Path and Self Development

A friend had asked me a few days ago, “Do you miss any of your exes and wish you could go back to any of them?” Without a hint of hesitation, my response was, “Absolutely, NOT.” Does this make me a cold hearted individual? No, not at all. I look at it like this: The past needs to stay in the past. Life should be progressing forward. In order to spiritually grow and create a brighter future for yourself, the ship needs to sail to a new destination (in this case, a new relationship or happily single to work on yourself also applies here too).

You can still appreciate what the relationship brought to you at that moment and I encourage you to do so. With the good times, there were also life lessons. I never regret any of my previous relationships because that is what the Universe attracted into my life during that time and even though it did not last forever, it still served a purpose. No matter the duration, I never look at it as “wasted time” and no one should ever view it that way. Do you look at your previous jobs as wasted time if you did not stay at one company the entire time? No, of course not because this is what you choose to be a part of your life experience and most people explore multiple job opportunities within their career path.

Relationships shape you as an individual but they also prepare you for someone even better. Yes, you heard me. Your future is going to be far more superior than your past. In order for that scenario to play out, you need to believe that with every ounce of your soul (not just because I said you so) along with taking the ACTION needed to make that happen for yourself. This means completely letting go of your past without leaving any open doors for an ex to creep back in–unfortunately, we all know there are many desperate and needy people out there who try to knock on the door for another chance. This also means having the mental strength to not want to revisit the past either. In other words, it goes both ways. You have to shut the door but you also have to have the burning desire to want to start over with a clean slate. If you are despairingly in search of finding a new partner simply to replace your ex when your mind is still not over the last person you dated, then you clearly have not taken the definitive action that is needed to clear your past.

Whether you broke it off or they did or maybe it was mutual, cut your losses and move on with your life. Trust me, it is for the greater good for everyone because each person can grow from the experience and move onto a new life path. Personally, I find it exciting to know what the future will bring than to ever even consider pursuing a failed relationship. If it did not work out the first time, what is the point in going back? For security? Convenience? Comfort? Lack of belief that there is a better suited match? People tend to go back for the wrong reasons, settle for less than they deserve, and/or stay attached to a false hope that they will reunite with an ex. In certain situations, I think there is room for optimism but the majority of time, it just isn’t worth it. Remember, as I often like to quote from Frank Sinatra’s famous song title, “The best is yet to come.” You just have not experienced it just yet but keep your mind open to the possibilities because the Universe will make it happen (this does not only apply to love, it applies to everything in life!)–Trust the process and you shall receive its greatest gifts! ๐Ÿ˜‰

A Quality Often Overlooked Within a Relationship But Quite An Important One

There are many qualities to look for when in the pursuit of a meaningful relationship and everyone’s personal criteria and love map can vary. This can also change over time in which something you valued in your youth might not even be within your current criteria. Perhaps there was a quality that you thought was a high priority only to find that after experiencing it, you came to the realization it is not something you want anymore. My point is, there are many qualities that exist with some being more important than others just depending on the person you talk to or someone you choose to date. If you were to ask someone what they look for, common answers can include: Trust, intelligence, career driven, generous, wealthy, physically attractive, etc. However, a quality that I do not hear too many people talk about but I find to be quite an important one is examining a person’s emotional stability.

Emotional stability to me can translate into many things and is something you can really pick up most through a person’s behaviors and (re)actions (actions as well but I want to emphasize reactions). I do not think you can really ask someone how emotionally stable they are and expect a direct and honest answer in response. This is why you need to pay close attention to how a person behaves and reacts to really get a good assessment. More specifically, here are some things to consider:

– How does this person handle rejection?
– How does this person react (ex: anger, sadness, indifference, etc.) during a conflict?
– Is this person able to take accountability and apologize when they are wrong?
– How does this person cope with a failed relationship?
– Does this person have trouble letting go of any emotional baggage from their past?
– What happens when something does not go their way?
– How quickly can this person bounce back from a bad situation?
– How does this person react towards a major life crisis along with more trivial matters?
– How does this person treat their friends and family when there is a conflict?
– How are you treated when there is a problem within the relationship?

I can probably make a longer list but these are some questions to think about when you are in the process of getting to know someone new. You might not be able to get all the answers immediately but you should absolutely keep these in the back of your mind from the start and during the course of the relationship. Emotional stability is an important quality to look for because it is a fundamental component needed in building a healthy relationship which often will increase the chance of long term success.

5 Thoughtful Valentine’s Day Gestures That Won’t Break the Bank

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, it is that time of year that people like to express their love and show gratitude towards their partner. Although we know that this should be done on an every day basis as opposed to focusing it only on one day, it is still nice to do something thoughtful for the person to show that you care. Some people like to spend a good amount of money on gifts but sometimes the nicest gifts are not of high monetary value. Here I will share a few thoughtful things you can do to make Valentine’s Day special that does not require overspending.

Make a Card Instead of Buying One – It does not have to be fancy or over the top but I always believe that a hand made card is always more thoughtful than buying one because it is one of a kind and made from the heart. You also do not have to be overly artistic to make one.

Create a Valentine’s Day Playlist – You can create a playlist with love themed songs or choose your partner’s most favorite songs. It can be played on Valentine’s Day but best of all, it can be played at any time.

Invent a “Love Potion #9” Drink – This is actually the name of a movie that came out in the 1990’s but according to mythology, a “love potion” is a drink that one drinks to fall in love. So why not for fun invent your own love potion drink for your partner that you can both enjoy together? It can be a special cocktail of their favorite flavors or maybe a unique fruit punch.

Take Selfies With a Polaroid – Creating and capturing memories are some of the most valuable gifts that you can cherish for years to come. I suggest taking the photos with a polaroid camera as the photos print instantly and then you have copies that you can each keep. If you do not have one, you can still take the photos with your cell phone or a regular digital camera and order prints directly from your phone.

Give a Scrapbook or Memory Box – Take the time to gather some mementos you might have including things such as photos, ticket stubs, business cards and/or brochures of places you went to, souvenirs, etc and put them together in a scrapbook or put them in a box to give to your partner. It is special because it is an accumulation of things that you both shared together and you both can continue to add more mementos over time.

Remember, no matter what you decide to do for Valentine’s Day, as long as you put some thought and add a personal touch to what you do, your Valentine is guaranteed to be very happy! โค ๐Ÿ™‚

The Hidden Meaning Behind A Person With “Commitment Issues”

As I always like to point out when you are out in the dating world, you have to remember that what someone says is not exactly what they mean. Even if you are bold enough to flat out ask the person where you stand or what their personal situation is, you are still often times going to be left in the dark. Most people communicate in a way that is vague AF and/or simply do not want to lay out their true intentions. The reasons for this could include that the person wants to keep you as a backup option (hate to say it but it can happen), has a busy life where dating is not their top priority, and/or more often than not, the person doesn’t know how to be honest if that involves hurting the the other person’s feelings. I find more women struggle with this than men do.

There might be a time you encounter someone with “commitment issues”–their words of course and not yours. I would say that if the person states commitment issues and follows that with a story in which they have cheated in their past (perhaps on multiple occasions), then that is a justified label and would make sense saying that because I would agree, a pattern of cheating does very well = commitment issues. Another situation a person could have commitment problems is if they have practically a zero dating record. As in, this person has never had a serious relationship or the relationships were all or mostly casual. That is definitely a commitment issue as well.

If the person does not provide a rational explanation behind their commitment issues, I would first and foremost suggest that you keep things moving or just keep the person as a friend rather than a potential romantic love interest because no matter what the true reason is, a commitment issue is NEVER a positive thing and definitely not a sign that you should stick around. If you are just looking for some added clarity, then you just need to read between the lines and dig deep as to what the real underlying issue is. I can easily list a few although it can be something else that is personal to that person or even a combination of the reasons listed below.

Emotional Attachment to Someone Else – There is a very high chance that if a person cannot commit to you, this is due to the fact that they are not over an ex or they already are currently emotionally invested into someone else in their present life.

Stuck in the Past/Fear of Getting Hurt – If the person was left deeply hurt by someone else, then this person might think that every person they meet has the potential to do the same thing so rather than move forward into the future and start fresh, this person is constantly living within their past and unfortunately just stays there.

Wants to Date Around and Not Settle on One Person – Not everyone is at the same stage in life where they want to settle down to one person and start a family. It can take longer for some people and some people want to casually date around before getting too serious with one person only.

Extremely Selective – Chances are, if a person is very selective, their dating history is very limited or non existent because they never find people they want to fully commit to. So the underlying problem is not that they cannot commit, they probably could if they were not so picky when choosing a mate.

Came From a Broken Home and/or Divorced Parents – This is extremely common where you will meet someone who grew up in a single parent household (so they did not see the love between their two parents) or witnessed their parents fighting which lead to a divorce and as a result left a painful imprint on the person’s heart and soul. It could also impact a person in a way where they do not want to commit to anyone because they have never seen what a healthy and happy relationship could look like.

Just Not Into You on a Romantic Level – Most people do not know how to flat out tell someone they are not interested so rather than coming forward with the truth, they will throw any excuse from the book to make it seem like it is not you and it is a problem on their end such as their “commitment issues” and etc. Trust me, when a person is into you, they are not going to shy away from the opportunity to commit to you and will not give you a bogus excuse to prevent the start of a committed relationship with you–bottom line.

Focus on the Foundation More Than Feelings for Long Term Relationship Success

I think we have all been there before at some point within our lives where our heart fills up with butterflies upon entering a new relationship. Your feelings drive the highs of the relationship and you’re on cloud nine 24/7. I believe this is a great start to any relationship but there comes a time where you need to think with your head a little more than your heart in order to get back to reality. The reality is, feelings do fade over time. I can say from personal experience that I have fallen out of love plenty of times within my lifetime. It is the worst reality to experience but quite a common one which explains why most long term relationships do not survive in the long run. So what exactly can be done to prevent this? This is why I emphasize that you cannot get hooked on the feelings you have towards someone–no matter how great the person might make you feel in the present moment or how much you love having them be a part of your life. You really need to examine the relationship by looking many steps ahead (such as seeing if you both have the same life goals along with wanting the same things within the relationship) but more importantly, focus on the foundation of the relationship above anything else.

Now I know you might be wondering, what exactly are the key components that make up the foundation of a strong and stable relationship? This is where you need to do your homework by digging deep from within to figure out what is most important to you. What are your values and beliefs? What are your spending and saving habits? How do you enjoy your free time? How much time do you like to spend with your partner and by yourself? There are many factors to consider when choosing a life partner which is why it is essential to really think about what you care about most and compare them with the person you are dating to see if your priorities are in alignment and determine the level of your compatibility. Many people fail to really find out this information during the dating phase and get too caught up in the moment which ultimately leads to the relationship fizzling over time because there was no emphasis on building a strong foundation from the ground up. If the foundation is there from the start, it is much easier to maintain the relationship while also continuing to grow together over time.

“Out of Touch? – I’m Out of Time” – When to Keep it Moving

Hall & Oates absolutely had it right back in 1984 with their ever so catchy hit, “Out of Touch.” I figured out a way to add it to my post so you can take a listen if you are not familiar with the song. Despite its popularity at the time, I do not think I actually became aware of how much I liked this song until maybe ten years ago when I actually payed attention to the words. This song never gets old to me by ear but when examining the lyrics, I developed a deeper appreciation for the track.

It is without a doubt that communication is a necessity in any healthy relationship. Although many people live busy lives, the good news is that thanks to technology, there are many ways to stay in contact with someone. I would say the easiest is by text but a good old fashioned phone call is just as effective. For people in long distance relationships or for those who want to have the ability to see each other face-to-face, there are also ways to connect in a virtual platform such as Skype or Zoom. What I am getting at with all of this is that with so many available options to connect, there is really no excuse for a communication barrier unless the person is doing something very important at a given moment, in the company of others where it would be rude to utilize their phone, in some sort of emergency situation, or lost their phone altogether. Of course there are plenty of other legitimate reasons that can explain why someone is not able to respond right away but there are also plenty of reasons why someone is out of touch for unjustifiable reasons (such as laziness or lack of care) in which you need to recognize this difference.

When people come to me seeking advice regarding what to do when someone they are starting to date or getting to know takes their sweet time to respond to a text message (I’m not talking hours, I’m talking an extensive amount of days or perhaps weeks) or does not even initiate much contact to begin with, my response is, “Out of touch, out of time.” Meaning that if someone is taking too long to reply on a day-to-day basis or does not make much of an effort to want to be in contact with you, no matter how interested you might be, there is no need to double text or chase them. It is time to accept the reality that the person is not that interested or perhaps is “too busy” and to just keep it moving. Think about it: Is it really acceptable to be with someone who is here today and gone tomorrow? Is there a good reason for making excuses for someone’s lack of communication (aka lack of interest)? I always remind people that a delayed response or no response at all tends to speak volumes of their true intent or in this case, lack of intent. Trust me, if someone wants to track you down or reply to you, the person knows how to and has plenty of ways to get a hold of you.

Let me break it down in another way: If the other person drops the ball, it is not your responsibility to pick it up so don’t. Instead, let it roll away and be in the hands of someone who will want to pick it up. It is really that simple.

On a final note, the next time this happens to you, please don’t question why, please don’t feel bad about yourself, please don’t chase them, and please don’t invest any more of your mental energy–just remember to sing in your head Hall & Oate’s famous line, “You’re out of touch, I’m out of time.” ๐Ÿ˜‰ Then focus your attention elsewhere.

There is No Attachment Like Emotional Attachment – How To Get Someone to Build an Emotional Attachment Towards You

There are various forms of attachments that develop within any relationship but I truly believe that there is no attachment like an emotional attachment. If someone has a strong emotional attachment towards you, it is very unlikely that the person will leave you for someone else and there is a higher chance that the person will want to stay with you for the long haul. That is not to say that the relationship will last forever as you also need to mutually maintain the strength of this emotional attachment and bond; however knowing this and the ways to create it will make you more consciously aware of how to develop it moving forward. It can apply to a current relationship, a future one, or even someone you have a crush on at the moment.

I can tell you from personal experience, when I have an authentic and strong emotional attachment towards someone, I really do not and cannot look at anyone else in a romantic way. It always amazes me when someone has that emotional effect on me. I recognize it is not natural or easy for everyone to get someone emotionally attached, especially for someone not very in touch with their feelings or possessing a strong emotional intelligence (EQ). That is why I want to share what has worked on me and how I also work my magic ๐Ÿ˜‰ (haha half kidding) on getting someone emotionally attached to me.

Increase the Frequency of Contact – I find this to be one of the most important things to do when building an emotional attachment in both the early stages of getting to know someone and also maintaining this attachment over time. If you only talk to the person once every few days or once a week, chances are the person will not get super attached to you on an emotional level because there is too much time in between the times that you connect with each other. As the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.” In other words, if you are barely in contact with the person, you will often times become forgettable. This is not to say that you want to increase the contact to the point where they hear from you too often as that can certainly detract the person altogether but finding a healthy balance that works for both of you is key.

I want to point out that if the person already likes you or has formed an emotional attachment towards you, not being in frequent contact could make the person think about you more as not being in touch creates an emotional longing towards you. However, this does not always mean they will stay attached to you as many people have small attention spans and there still needs to be some form of attention given in order to keep the attention on you.

Grand Gestures Go a Long Way – I would say grand gestures are not everything but I do think if you take the time to go the extra mile for someone and it is something of great meaning to that specific individual, then it is totally worth it and will leave a lasting impression on an emotional level. For example, a grand gesture can be if you go shopping and the person points out a desired style of jewelry within conversation and you insist on buying it as a gift on the spot or you might go back to purchase it for the person later because you know it is special. Although this might not appear as a grand gesture to everyone as some people feel entitled and expect this type of treatment, I equate this as a grand gesture as it goes above and beyond what is expected on a daily basis.

Pay Attention to the Little Things – Besides the grand gestures, the “little things” as I call it can be just as significant. Sometimes people do a great job with making people emotionally feel good on a bigger scale but then so terribly fail to recognize the little things that are of significance to them. Something as small as calling each other to say good night before bedtime every night can be very meaningful to someone as a way to connect emotionally even though it is not much to ask of someone. It is important to recognize what these little things are and actually finding ways to acknowledge them.

Do Something Extra Nice for No Reason – I think doing something special on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other special events is important and usually goes without saying. Depending on the person, these dates and events might not even be a big deal (again everybody is different). However, doing something special for no particular reason and just because you want to show you care about the person can be just as special or even more special. It can be something as small as leaving a handwritten note with a sweet message in an unexpected place where the person will find it or surprising them by delivering their favorite takeout meal to their workplace. These are not only nice surprises but often times will make the person feel very appreciated.

Physical Intimacy (That is NOT Sex) – When people hear physical intimacy, people automatically think sex but I want to point out that there are other forms of physical intimacy that do NOT involve sex and that many people do not put much of a focus on yet it can be so incredibly crucial in creating an emotional bond. Of course this will vary from individual to individual and I encourage people to not be afraid to straight up ask the other person (maybe not right away but in time) what their preferences are rather than assume what the other person likes to feel close.

Although this sounds like it should be categorized under physical attachment, I equate the right intimacy to turn into emotional attachment. Some examples of physical intimacy that is not sex include holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and I would even say eye contact–as in the way the person looks at you. Something I find important although I know this might not apply to everyone as there are people who do not really like to be touched or caressed but I always have said, the way a person holds you can really make you feel that much closer to them. Again, at the end of the day, keep in mind people have different preferences so what makes me personally feel connected to someone might not work on someone else.

Build Upon Your Similarities – No one is going to be exactly like you but it is wise to find the things that you both share in common and to concentrate on them. The more similarities you have with one another, the more natural it will be for an emotional attachment to occur. If there are mutual hobbies, then plan activities that allow you to enjoy them together.

Create Life Experiences Together – I would generally say that any real quality time spent together will tend to create an emotional attachment but there is definitely a difference in the types of quality time spent such as watching a Netflix show together versus backpacking to Europe together. I am not saying you cannot do the basic everyday things but creating unique life experiences or doing fun things together that are out of the comfort of your home just takes quality time spent on a whole different level.

Have Intellectual and Deep Conversations – This is the emotional glue that keeps the bond together. When you have a meaningful conversation with someone, it not only allows for you to get to know the person on a deeper level but over time, this emotional attachment deepens as well. There is nothing wrong with having surface level conversations but when you take the time to really dig a few layers deep and get the person to share things they might not share with the average person or have shared with anyone before then there is a stronger likelihood the person will feel more emotionally connected to you by default.

Express Yourself in Words – People always underestimate the power of words but I think the right words can definitely create a deep emotional attachment. I know it is not easy for people to show their vulnerable side but it does not even have to be anything too heavy or over the top. Some of the most simple phrases can be incredibly effective such as:

– “I miss you.”
– “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
– “When can I see you again?”
– “I love spending time with you.”
– “I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”

(Think about it, who does not want to hear these expressions from someone they care about? Yeah, that’s what I thought).
The key is, it will NOT work if the other person has conveyed in so many words or actions that they do not have any feelings towards you whatsoever; however there are those rare instances where feelings can change over time so it is okay to still take that chance but it is better to scale it back a bit if the other person is not at the same emotional place as you. Some people might need more time or some just might be incapable of getting there with you personally (and that’s okay).

Make the Person Feel Good on Multiple Levels – I was not sure the best way to describe this but essentially make the person feel good both on the inside and outside. This can be done simply by complimenting them on a specific quality of theirs or their appearance. I would say extra brownie points if you are able to make the person feel good regarding something positive other people might fail to recognize about them including themselves.

If you utilize some of these strategies for building emotional attachment, you will be amazed at the results. The good news is, it is never too late to apply these techniques as it can strengthen a current relationship or help develop an emotional attachment from the very start of your next relationship.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility – What is More Sustainable in the Long Run?

If you were to ask me about ten years ago, what do I look for when dating, I probably would have said something along the lines of “love at first sight” or that undeniable spark (chemistry). Fast forward to now, if someone were to ask me that same question, my response would be, “A male version of myself” (compatibility). Don’t worry, I will break it down and further delve back into the original topic. First we need to understand what the difference is between chemistry and compatibility.

Chemistry – In dating terms, I would describe chemistry as that emotional impulse and gravity you have towards a person without any force as it just comes natural from within. I think a good amount of chemistry is driven by your physical attraction towards someone; however, it is not strictly based on the physicality as there has to also be the emotional substance from the inside in addition to their outer appearance. In other words, you can meet a model who from the outside is pleasing to the eyes solely from a looks stand point but then you find that you have zero chemistry with that person once they begin a conversation with you. My point is, physical attraction is a component of chemistry but chemistry is NOT only physical attraction. It is still possible to have chemistry with someone who you might not even be super attracted to upon meeting at first but once you cross paths, that spiritual connection is immediate. It does not take you five dates to say to yourself, “Oh I *think* I like this person now.” Nah, closer to five seconds because you either feel it on the spot or you don’t.

So if physicality is only a component of chemistry, then how else would you describe it? I would say that chemistry is that feeling you have when it is as though you have known that person for many lifetimes. You can meet one time, instantly click, and easily converse with each other for hours. You do not even notice the time when you are with this person. The spiritual connection you have is deep. The key is, it is NOT a one sided spark, it is a MUTUAL spark. You both feed off each other’s energies and the chemistry is palpable enough where any outsider can not only see it with their own eyes but they feel it too. If it is a one sided spark, I cannot label it as chemistry because it has to be a personal connection that two people share on an extremely intense level.

Scenario #1 – [Chemistry]: You arrive at a party setting where you are faced with many people you have never met before. It is crowded and dark but out of the corner of your eye, you see a guy you never saw before and he caught your attention. He is the only person at the party that was able to appear on your radar and you can’t help but do a double take as you wonder with fixated curiosity, “Who is that?” You then try to observe to the best of your ability to see if he is with someone only to find it looks as though he is single as well. Moments later you lock eyes from afar, now you are hooked on a feeling. A feeling that holds no meaning because you do not know a thing about this person. As luck or fate would have it (you can be the judge of that), this guy shows up in the forefront of your vision and he comes up to introduce himself. Not only is he even better looking in person, once the conversation ignites, it is even more apparent that you both are in an emotional trance with each other sparked by an initial attraction. Hours go by and when the night ends (or perhaps leads into morning since there is no sense of time after all), you both are left with a fervent feeling of bliss questioning when will you get to see each other again while also knowing with one hundred percent certainty that this will not be the last time because this is only the beginning.

Based on the series of events, it goes without saying that this is an idyllic and rather ideal dating scenario. For most people, I think this does not happen all too often so when it does, it actually leaves a lasting imprint on your emotions. Personally, I hardly encounter meeting someone that evokes that intense feeling to begin with. That in and of itself is rare but it can happen and when it does, you know it when you stumble across it. Even if I do meet a person who I feel that connection with, it does not always lead to it being taken a step further where I get the opportunity to have a conversation with that person in which it is not chemistry unless the other person feels that mutual magnetic pull as well. As I mentioned, it has to be a shared desire to want to explore each other and see if both emotional energies flow together. The physical draw is often the easy part to determine but it is the depth of the emotional attraction that qualifies it as chemistry.

Compatibility – Compatibility is measured by how similar you are to another person. There are endless components of compatibility in which I will make a list of some important ones (in no particular order as each individual’s priorities will vary) although I think there are many more besides the ones I listed.

Life GoalsDo you have similar life goals and expectations for how you will live your life along with a similar time frame to accomplish these goals?
Religion/ValuesDo you share the same religious beliefs?
FinancesDo you both have similar spending/saving habits?
Location/HomeDo you both want to reside in the same area and envision the same type of home?
Health/WellnessDo you have similar eating/exercise habits?
Leisure TimeDo you both spend your free time in similar ways and enjoy doing some of the same activities?
Family TimeDo you both have similar preferences with how much time you enjoy spending with your own family and their family?
TogethernessDo you both have similar preferences with how much time you spend together and independently by yourself?
Marriage/ChildrenDo you both see marriage and children in your future?
PetsDo you want to have pets and if so, how many and which animal(s)?

The list above features some key components when examining how much compatibility exists between two people. No two individuals are going to be exactly identical in terms of how much they share in common but the things that matter most should hopefully be somewhat similar when you are in a relationship driven by compatibility.

Scenario #2 – [Compatibility]: You are at Madison Square Garden about to see one of your favorite bands perform. This is your first time seeing them live and you end up going solo because you could not find anyone available to go but you did not want to miss out on a great show. You are in line to buy a drink and the person in front of you is wearing a hoodie with a university logo of the school that you went to. You do not strike a conversation with the person upon making this observation as this person appeared to be with a small group of people and it is not like he had left much of a lasting impression. As luck or fate would have it (again–you can be the judge of that), it turns out this guy and his group of friends are sitting in the same row as you. They have to get up so you can get to your seat and they all start talking to you since you are by yourself. The guy with the university logo hoodie graduated the same year as you and you find out that you have some mutual friends although you never met him before. He moved to the same area as you to take a job and since he is not too familiar with the area, he suggests getting together in the future. You only look at him as a friend but figured why not as you want to accept the friendly gesture. Before meeting up again, in the meantime you keep in touch via text to find out that you have much more in common than liking the same music, living in the same town, going to the same college, and even having some mutual acquaintances. It turns out that you both have a dog, have the same religious background, belong to the same gym, and enjoy playing golf on the weekends. You begin to ponder in admiration, “Is it possible to have this much in common with someone that I just met?” Despite all the commonalities, you are not so easily convinced yet this could lead to anything romantic given you did not really feel that kind of physical nor emotional spark when you first met at the concert but at the same time, you feel a level of comfort knowing you both share so much in common to begin with.

Despite a level of uncertainty whether there is any underlying romance, at least it is certain that there are many similarities that would bring two people together. As the common saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” I think it sometimes can be easier to meet someone that has a lot in common with you, especially in a scenario like this when meeting at a concert in which you already know you share similar music interests and potentially other things in common that go way beyond music.

Now understanding the difference between chemistry and compatibility, what is more important in terms of guaranteeing a more happy relationship in the long run? Of course the simple answer is, the relationship needs both chemistry and compatibility–there is no disputing that. Of course you do want both to some degree. Personally, I do not think I could date someone where the chemistry is non existent and the physical attraction level is below the fifty percent mark no matter how much we have in common. I also do not think it is healthy to rely too heavily on chemistry because over time, you might find you have almost nothing in common. Chemistry (unfortunately) can often times be blinding. You can naturally get too caught up in a moment with someone and think they are everything you could ever want in a romantic partner (that is the first mistake as no one can be that perfect or fulfill your every relationship requirement) and eventually, that feeling can slowly fade away over time once your true differences start to rise to the surface. More often than not, those differences can cause friction on any relationship and one to deteriorate altogether, even a bond that seemingly was so loving in those very early stages of the courtship.

Which leads me to the final point that compatibility is the foundation of any fulfilling long term relationship and when choosing a future life partner. Yes, there should be some level of natural chemistry and attraction towards one another but the relationship cannot survive on just chemistry alone. More importantly, compatibility on various degrees needs to be established which are determined by what you prioritize most in a relationship.

Single Ladies – How You Should be Dating in 2020 and Beyond

No matter what decade it is, dating will always be a hot topic; however I think it definitely has changed over time due to various factors including technology, culture, and the ever evolving fast paced society we live in. When I examine the history of my own dating life, a lot has definitely changed over the course of my lifetime. When I went to high school, social media did not even exist yet so the concept of meeting someone behind a computer screen or even a cell phone (FYI–I did not own my first cell phone until I was a junior in high school) was not a very common practice as compared to how it is today. Yes, there was internet, AOL Instant Messaging along with other messaging apps on the computer, and public chat rooms (on a sidenote–does anyone in today’s generation even know what that was?). In regards to online dating, I just did a Google search to find that the first dating site was Match.com which existed as far back as 1995. This is definitely news to me but online dating was not the mainstream way of how people met people for a date back in the day. Nowadays, you can download a dating app on your cell within minutes, create a quick profile featuring your very best selfies, thumb swipe some potential candidates, and once there are some mutual matches, within a few message exchanges later, you have a date lined up for that upcoming Saturday night. Sounds pretty easy, right? Aside from the convenience of having access to meeting new people right at your finger tips, there still is the old fashioned way of meeting someone in real life. Perhaps at your favorite coffee shop, where you go to school, or even through mutual friends. The aspect of finding new people to meet in the dating world is not the hard part but actually finding a quality partner you want to date or a meaningful relationship with someone is where the struggle lies for most women in today’s society.

Many women can attest that the modern dating script goes something like this: A woman meets a guy that she has developed a connection with on some level and often times is physically attracted to. Things are progressing seemingly well as they are seeing each other on a regular basis and communicating via text on a daily basis or at the very least a few times within the week. As more time is being invested, this leads to a deeper emotional attachment to the guy but yet there is no clear sign of what direction the relationship is going. This uncertainty provokes the woman out of confusion and a need for clarity along with a sense of security to question at some point where their relationship is going. She might try to probe with the classic, “What are we?” conversation only to find out from the guy, “It’s not like that” or “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Whatever the response may be, the bottom line is, he is NOT your boyfriend and most likely will never be looking to obtain that title in relation to you. You might be left wondering why–but does it really even matter? Is it going to change the outcome knowing the actual reason(s)? The answer is no.

To avoid this dating mistake altogether and as hard as this is in particular for women to follow this rule, my advice is this: Make a conscious effort to NOT develop an emotional attachment to one man in the very early stages of meeting him until it is established that you are very well in a meaningful relationship with that person or on some type of path leading to that during the course of your courtship–if that is what you are ultimately looking for. I know easily said than done but trust me on this one, it will save you time and emotional hardship in the long run.

The good news is, I have some dating tips on how this can be accomplished moving forward.

  • If you are totally single, you should absolutely be dating multiple people at once. I know if any man is reading this, they are cringing right about now so I’m sorry but at the same time–I’m not sorry. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Seriously though, what is wrong with keeping a few options on the table? Men naturally do this all the time when dating women so why can’t a woman be doing the same in her own dating life? Going on dates and meeting new people should be fun so you might as well enjoy it while you can by exploring what is really out there. The reason I strongly advocate this way of thinking is because it also will further develop your abundance mentality. If you start to think more along the lines of, “the sky’s the limit,” then trust me, more options will begin to surface because you have the mindset to attract abundance which in this case means more available men who want to date you. If you leave yourself to think that this current guy is the one and only, this scarcity mindset will prevent you from really opening the door to other men to come into your life and want to be a part of it.

    In addition, if you have multiple options available at one time then this will keep your mind preoccupied so that you will not over commit yourself to one guy who chances are is not fully investing in you. Women have the tendency to be all in way too soon with a man which is foolish because why should a man have that privilege without earning your love and locking you down in a committed relationship? Ultimately this is all about maintaining your emotional stability and preventing you from getting too attached to one single man at any given moment during the dating process.
  • You should always be focusing on self and your independent life between your career, hobbies, social life, and passions. If you keep yourself busy, you won’t get too caught up too soon because you are in love with the life you are currently living–with or without a man. If you are not at that stage where you are feeling good about your life, you need to really dig deep and figure out what things will provide you with that intrinsic happiness. Often times people get too dependent on someone else providing them happiness but this it not healthy because it really needs to come from within first.
  • As soon as it is established that “it’s not like that” then the best thing you can do is just walk away from the situation altogether. This can be done in a variety of ways: 1) You can immediately place this guy in the friend zone or 2) completely delete their number so you can make space for the right person who is more in alignment with your relationship goals. There is nothing wrong with keeping that person as a friend if you have mutual interests and like to spend time together from time to time but now you no longer have to over commit your time and energy towards this person. It might sound harsh to delete their number from your phone but it is not like they would know unless you told them. I also believe that physically deleting their number is like spiritually on some level deleting that person from being in the forefront of your mind and setting the boundary that they are not a permanent fixture in your life. There are actually some people I dated for a short time that to this day contact me out of the blue every so often but I do not even have their numbers saved in my phone anymore. It is nothing personal to that specific individual but I just do not feel the need to have their number permanently saved if I do not really talk or see that person all too often.

I can speak from experience that consciously detaching from the outcome of the dating scenario simply by just enjoying the natural dating process, keeping some options open at the same time (only when I am single that is, obviously not while I am in a relationship), and staying busy within my own life allows me to be in control of my emotional well being while providing a sense of empowerment where I continue to write my own dating script and manifest my own outcomes. I hope these dating tips will motivate women to adapt to a new set of dating rules and a way of thinking that will bring you closer to your very own relationship goals and attract the love you deserve in your life.