Tag Archives: dating

If Someone is Very Selective, Let Them Select You

There are certain people that are incredibly picky when they go about dating. No one ever seems to be good enough and they often are single or just never settle down. People might assume they have commitment problems, are emotionally unavailable, or they are not marriage material; however, there is also the possibility that the person just does not come in contact with people they want to be with all too often meaning they are super picky or they might not even fully know what they are looking for (which is a separate problem in and of itself).

I always advise if the person has stated they are picky or it is very apparent based on their words and their actions, I recommend you do not invest too much of your time. Even if you are incredibly accommodating and do what you can to please this person, it might still never be enough or they will find something very small as a reason they do not want to date you or as a reason to move on to the next person. Who really wants to deal with that? That is the reason I do not recommend getting attached to someone like this because chances are you will always be the one left wanting more or with a broken heart.

People who are super selective typically do end up staying single most of their lives. It is not your job to try to change this about them or make them fall in love with you. Why do you want to be in a position that you always have to live up to their expectations and please them constantly just for them to figure out if you are worthy enough for them? Relationships should be reciprocal. Both people mutually want to be together and want to do things to make each other happy. This person chooses you and accepts you for who you are. They are not dating you until the next best person steps into their lives or constantly looking for someone who is better in their eyes (if this even exists) because you are enough.

If you really like this person and do not want to give up on them, you can keep sticking around but when things fail to progress as planned, do not tell me I did not warn you. The best thing you can do is back off and let them select YOU. Turn the tables on them by making them work hard to be with YOU versus you always catering to them. If they do not reach out or put the effort needed to keep you in the forefront of their lives, then you know you are better off without this person. I know that might be a hard reality to accept but trust me on this one and keep it moving. It is better to know that now than to find this out days, weeks, or years later. Everyone’s time is precious and this includes yours in which it is important to stop investing it in the wrong people.

Traveling and Dating – Who Should Pay for What?

I actually have had this question asked a few times in regards to wanting solid advice on what is the right thing to do in terms of how couples should handle expenses while on vacation when they are ‘just dating’ (not married and perhaps have only have been dating for a short time). To be honest, there really is no set answer to this one because there are so many factors involved and each dating situation is different. For example, are we talking about a weekend getaway or full week vacation overseas?

I think that if one person (usually the man but hey, it’s 2020–anything is possible nowadays) is paying for all or a contribution towards your travel expenses such as the flight and accommodations then it can be expected that once you arrive at the destination, you can pick up a good amount or at least some of the food and entertainment tabs. Personally, it just feels good to reciprocate if someone is that generous to pay most of or all my travel fees up front.

If both people are paying separately and in this case for me as the woman, the man I am dating is not paying anything towards my personal travel expenses, then I do not really expect to pay for meals or much during that time away. In a normal situation when I’m NOT traveling, I do expect a man to pay for most meals (unless it is a special occasion or I am asked to pay the tip). Why? I firmly believe in gender roles and that they should still exist. Whereas I know not everyone might feel the same because the counter argument could be that most women are in the work force today. If a woman has a stable career/job and can pay for meals as well, why is she not paying those bills? I totally understand this way of thinking, it makes sense to me as well but it does not change the principle or belief that I have which is that a man should want to pay for the dates. It actually for me has nothing to do with money being spent but to do with showing a woman that he wants to take care of her along with being chivalrous and conveying his financial strength. Especially in the early stages of the dating game, if a guy is asking the woman to go 50/50 or to pay for dates, then my immediate thought is, “Next.” I do not mean that in an entitled, conceited, or stuck up kind of way. I might still stay to get to know the guy better but I am not going to invest too much of my time because I have been in the dating game long enough to know that this is the golden standard (if you ask most men, they actually do want to pay) and there are an abundance of men who would never ask a woman to take her wallet out. So why would I make an exception now or settle for someone who is a 50/50 kind of guy? I actually do not encounter those kind of men in my life because I set my standard from the start what my expectations are (which mind you, I don’t think is even much to ask) and if this were to be a problem, my response would be, “Then don’t date me.” In other words, I am not going to lower my dating standards as I could keep it moving at that point. However, with travel, I recognize things can add up fast depending on where you go and how long you are away in which I think offering to pay for things from time to time is classy and often appreciated.

Note for Men: I think it is extremely important to consider, if you do NOT plan to pay for much during the trip or expect a more equal contribution financially with how money will be spent throughout the duration of the vacation, then you absolutely need to have this conversation and set those standards. Just as it is important for women to set standards, men should be doing this as well. I have had many male friends complain to me how they do not like having to pay for things all the time when they are dating–especially if there is not a relationship status or if they are unsure how much they like the other person. I ask if they have expressed that to the person they are dating and often times the answer is, “No.” Most women would not know this is bothersome unless it is brought to their attention. Chances are, they would be more than willing to contribute or to pay for things too. Like anything in life, you just have to ask.

Why Do Some People Have Types While Others Don’t? / Do You Still Have a Chance if You are Not Someone’s Type?

Most people consciously or unconsciously have a “type” although this might not be the case for everyone. For those who do not have a type, this could be due to the fact that the person lacks dating experience, does not have preset preferences, or possesses an open minded mindset when dating. Some people truly just do not know what they are looking for so they do not have a preconceived notion of the type of person they want to be with. Others might not be too picky because they lack an abundance mindset and think more along the lines of, “Beggars can’t be choosers” meaning having a type just does not even exist in their mind because they believe their options are limited to begin with.

Although by type, this is often looks based, this could also include other criteria involved such as education, profession, etc. Those who have a set type can have one for numerous reasons. For one, the person might associate certain traits with a certain look. A woman might be attracted to an older man not based on his looks necessarily but because she associates an older man to be more established, financially stable, and to be a provider which might be all things she highly values in a partner.

Another consideration is when someone has a failed relationship, it is quite common to see the person choose the same type, whether they realize it or proactively choose to. This could occur because they are not fully over their ex and there were certain characteristics or a look that this person had in which they want to recreate that again in their future dating life. This would mean by default, they end up choosing someone who can look very similar to someone who they previously dated.

Furthermore, a type often is developed during a person’s childhood and within the environment they grew up in. This can happen in one of two ways. There could be a certain look that a person might not have been exposed to as often growing up which actually piques their interest due to scarcity which in turn makes this type more valuable in the eyes of the beholder OR the opposite where a certain type they were overly exposed to or had positive experiences with could be their type because they just naturally feel comfortable around them.

There are also certain people who are laser focused on what they want in life and know what they are looking for. This category typically has a specific type in their mind so until they find someone who fits the mold, they will not be too interested in those who are not their “type.”

So what does this mean if you are not exactly someone’s type? Does this mean you do not have a chance with this person? The answer is no! If you understand what it is about their type that they most value, have some understanding of their love map, and a good amount of patience, then you can still attract this person into your life and perhaps make them fall completely in love with you. As specific as someone might be about what they are looking for, you would be amazed how often the person can still equally fall for someone who is not their type whatsoever. I see it happen all the time and it has even happened to me. This is because love [often times] is not a rational choice so never think you do not have a chance with someone if you’re not someone who they would normally go for because you might very well be able to prove them otherwise. 😉

Psychology of Unmet Needs and How it Affects Your Love Life

When it comes to love, there are many contributions as to what attracts you to one person over someone else. Partially these choices are made on a conscious level, a set of criteria that is more concrete such as wanting to be with someone with a certain level of education or religious background. These are conscious selections and essentially dating preferences that are of importance to you. However, even more of your love life is determined on a subconscious level in which it is not something you can really control unless you really examine your childhood and your past including past relationships. This leads me to the concept of “psychology of unmet needs.” I would describe this term as a psychological need(s) that holds value to you but has never been obtained before or it was and might have been taken away at some point of your life which has lead to you longing to fulfill it again in some way.

The psychology of unmet needs can overlap into many areas of your life but it can especially relate to your dating life and would explain why you gravitate towards a certain person or fall into a pattern of being attracted to the same types of people in your lifetime. I will provide a few examples to further illustrate this.

Examining a Person’s Childhood – No one comes from a perfect childhood so if you really examine it, you can discover a person’s unmet needs and as a result, knowing this will help you better understand what they are looking for within a relationship to compensate or make up for what was missing.

Example #1: If a girl grew up in a household that was very unstable and included some financial insecurities, chances are she will either become very motivated to become rich or she will desperately be seeking a partner who will be an exceptionally good provider and have a career that will ensure financial wealth. Typically, anyone who suffers from a lack of resources (basic necessities such as food or shelter) or has severe money problems (incapability to pay bills on time or keeping a steady job) will naturally be drawn to someone who has established wealth or is on the path of becoming very rich to compensate for this lack of financial stability. Many people like to stereotype all women as “gold diggers” but the truth of the matter is, if a woman grew up with resources where all her basic needs were met and/or she has her own successful career without ever facing any real money problems, she is not going to be as likely to be looking for a man to provide for her because it was never an unmet need of hers to begin with.

Example #2: Let’s say a boy grew up not feeling very good about himself and suffered from confidence issues due his perceived physical unattractiveness, his inability to receive validation from women, and neglect from his own parents. This is a pretty lengthy list of psychological unmet needs but by knowing all this, it makes it rather clear what he will most likely be seeking when he is looking for a potential mate. For starters, this is definitely the type of guy who is most inclined to be in search of a “trophy wife.” Due to his perceived physical unattractiveness (I say “perceived” because physical attractiveness is heavily influenced by one’s own perception of it), he will most likely develop a stronger need to find a woman that is very physically attractive and perhaps one who attracts a lot of attention from the outside world (remember–he never received enough attention growing up). This would further explain why he is more attracted to a “flashy” woman as opposed to a girl-next-door type because if he is associated with a girl who provokes much attention, then as a result, he will gain more attention and validation simply by dating her. He will also be most attracted to a woman who exudes a ton of confidence because he never felt confident in his youth. By being with a confident woman, he can ultimately elevate his own confidence level and this will make him feel even better about himself.

Talking About Past Relationships – It is healthy and normal to discuss reasons why a past relationship did not work out and you can usually find out the answer by directly asking someone. However, not everyone is as open about their past while others tend to hold things very close to their heart without disclosing too much of that information. In other words, the person can just be more private in nature or simply not want to talk about it openly in the event it was too painful or negative of an experience. If the direct approach does not work, then there is still an indirect way of still getting a sense as to why a past relationship did not work out.

Instead of straight up asking someone why their last relationship ended, by asking the person what qualities they are looking for when in a relationship, pay close attention to the given response because I guarantee you, some of the things mentioned as a necessity stems from a psychological unmet need from one of their past relationships. By reading between the lines, you can easily figure out what was missing from their last relationship just by asking what they are currently looking for.

Example #1: A guy has been dating a girl for a few weeks and the subject of past relationships comes up in conversation. He asks why her last relationship did not work out (direct approach). He finds out that her last boyfriend was not only selfish but that it was very much a one sided relationship. He never wanted to do the activities she wanted, he did not go out of his way to do things to make her happy, and everything had to be done his way without any compromises. The psychological unmet need was a healthy balance and equality within a relationship along with someone who possesses a caring disposition. In the future, this girl will most likely gravitate towards someone who will nurture and pamper her to make up for all the times she was not taken care of by her ex-boyfriend. This is very helpful information for the current guy as he does not want to make the same mistakes and will take the extra time to cater to her needs so that he can continue to date the girl and it will hopefully progress into a successful long term relationship.

Example #2: Often times during a first date, no one typically broaches the subject of past relationships as that is not always a pleasant topic and the initial conversations are usually more casual. Towards the end of a date, a girl asks what qualities are most important in a relationship (indirect approach). The guy’s response is heavily focused on the theme of trust and how he values that more than anything in a relationship. He begins his response by stating, “That is an easy answer: Trust. For me, if I can’t be with a girl I trust and I have to worry about what she is doing when she’s not around or she lies about both petty things and even more serious things, it just isn’t worth it in the long run. I do not believe anyone should have to go through a relationship having to question things all the time.” Translation: I have had a dating history where I could not trust a woman (and/or women) in my past because I had been lied to on multiple occasions and I often was left to wonder about a woman’s whereabouts or who she was with whenever we were apart. Think about it, it goes without saying that there needs to be trust in a healthy relationship between two people. If this guy is flat out explaining specific examples as to why “no one should have to go through this,” chances are because he personally has had to put up with this and he does not want to anymore moving forward. He does not specify cheating at all but it is possible he was also cheated on previously because often times people who were cheated on in their past have a stronger need for trust in their future relationships. Therefore, the psychological unmet need was trust and since it was unfilled, there is a much higher need for it versus someone who never experienced trust issues with someone in their past.

Taking the time to truly understand a person’s psychological unmet needs when pursuing a relationship is extremely beneficial in not only understanding the person better and creating a strong bond to each other but also as a way of gauging whether or not you are a good match for the future.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility – What is More Sustainable in the Long Run?

If you were to ask me about ten years ago, what do I look for when dating, I probably would have said something along the lines of “love at first sight” or that undeniable spark (chemistry). Fast forward to now, if someone were to ask me that same question, my response would be, “A male version of myself” (compatibility). Don’t worry, I will break it down and further delve back into the original topic. First we need to understand what the difference is between chemistry and compatibility.

Chemistry – In dating terms, I would describe chemistry as that emotional impulse and gravity you have towards a person without any force as it just comes natural from within. I think a good amount of chemistry is driven by your physical attraction towards someone; however, it is not strictly based on the physicality as there has to also be the emotional substance from the inside in addition to their outer appearance. In other words, you can meet a model who from the outside is pleasing to the eyes solely from a looks stand point but then you find that you have zero chemistry with that person once they begin a conversation with you. My point is, physical attraction is a component of chemistry but chemistry is NOT only physical attraction. It is still possible to have chemistry with someone who you might not even be super attracted to upon meeting at first but once you cross paths, that spiritual connection is immediate. It does not take you five dates to say to yourself, “Oh I *think* I like this person now.” Nah, closer to five seconds because you either feel it on the spot or you don’t.

So if physicality is only a component of chemistry, then how else would you describe it? I would say that chemistry is that feeling you have when it is as though you have known that person for many lifetimes. You can meet one time, instantly click, and easily converse with each other for hours. You do not even notice the time when you are with this person. The spiritual connection you have is deep. The key is, it is NOT a one sided spark, it is a MUTUAL spark. You both feed off each other’s energies and the chemistry is palpable enough where any outsider can not only see it with their own eyes but they feel it too. If it is a one sided spark, I cannot label it as chemistry because it has to be a personal connection that two people share on an extremely intense level.

Scenario #1 – [Chemistry]: You arrive at a party setting where you are faced with many people you have never met before. It is crowded and dark but out of the corner of your eye, you see a guy you never saw before and he caught your attention. He is the only person at the party that was able to appear on your radar and you can’t help but do a double take as you wonder with fixated curiosity, “Who is that?” You then try to observe to the best of your ability to see if he is with someone only to find it looks as though he is single as well. Moments later you lock eyes from afar, now you are hooked on a feeling. A feeling that holds no meaning because you do not know a thing about this person. As luck or fate would have it (you can be the judge of that), this guy shows up in the forefront of your vision and he comes up to introduce himself. Not only is he even better looking in person, once the conversation ignites, it is even more apparent that you both are in an emotional trance with each other sparked by an initial attraction. Hours go by and when the night ends (or perhaps leads into morning since there is no sense of time after all), you both are left with a fervent feeling of bliss questioning when will you get to see each other again while also knowing with one hundred percent certainty that this will not be the last time because this is only the beginning.

Based on the series of events, it goes without saying that this is an idyllic and rather ideal dating scenario. For most people, I think this does not happen all too often so when it does, it actually leaves a lasting imprint on your emotions. Personally, I hardly encounter meeting someone that evokes that intense feeling to begin with. That in and of itself is rare but it can happen and when it does, you know it when you stumble across it. Even if I do meet a person who I feel that connection with, it does not always lead to it being taken a step further where I get the opportunity to have a conversation with that person in which it is not chemistry unless the other person feels that mutual magnetic pull as well. As I mentioned, it has to be a shared desire to want to explore each other and see if both emotional energies flow together. The physical draw is often the easy part to determine but it is the depth of the emotional attraction that qualifies it as chemistry.

Compatibility – Compatibility is measured by how similar you are to another person. There are endless components of compatibility in which I will make a list of some important ones (in no particular order as each individual’s priorities will vary) although I think there are many more besides the ones I listed.

Life GoalsDo you have similar life goals and expectations for how you will live your life along with a similar time frame to accomplish these goals?
Religion/ValuesDo you share the same religious beliefs?
FinancesDo you both have similar spending/saving habits?
Location/HomeDo you both want to reside in the same area and envision the same type of home?
Health/WellnessDo you have similar eating/exercise habits?
Leisure TimeDo you both spend your free time in similar ways and enjoy doing some of the same activities?
Family TimeDo you both have similar preferences with how much time you enjoy spending with your own family and their family?
TogethernessDo you both have similar preferences with how much time you spend together and independently by yourself?
Marriage/ChildrenDo you both see marriage and children in your future?
PetsDo you want to have pets and if so, how many and which animal(s)?

The list above features some key components when examining how much compatibility exists between two people. No two individuals are going to be exactly identical in terms of how much they share in common but the things that matter most should hopefully be somewhat similar when you are in a relationship driven by compatibility.

Scenario #2 – [Compatibility]: You are at Madison Square Garden about to see one of your favorite bands perform. This is your first time seeing them live and you end up going solo because you could not find anyone available to go but you did not want to miss out on a great show. You are in line to buy a drink and the person in front of you is wearing a hoodie with a university logo of the school that you went to. You do not strike a conversation with the person upon making this observation as this person appeared to be with a small group of people and it is not like he had left much of a lasting impression. As luck or fate would have it (again–you can be the judge of that), it turns out this guy and his group of friends are sitting in the same row as you. They have to get up so you can get to your seat and they all start talking to you since you are by yourself. The guy with the university logo hoodie graduated the same year as you and you find out that you have some mutual friends although you never met him before. He moved to the same area as you to take a job and since he is not too familiar with the area, he suggests getting together in the future. You only look at him as a friend but figured why not as you want to accept the friendly gesture. Before meeting up again, in the meantime you keep in touch via text to find out that you have much more in common than liking the same music, living in the same town, going to the same college, and even having some mutual acquaintances. It turns out that you both have a dog, have the same religious background, belong to the same gym, and enjoy playing golf on the weekends. You begin to ponder in admiration, “Is it possible to have this much in common with someone that I just met?” Despite all the commonalities, you are not so easily convinced yet this could lead to anything romantic given you did not really feel that kind of physical nor emotional spark when you first met at the concert but at the same time, you feel a level of comfort knowing you both share so much in common to begin with.

Despite a level of uncertainty whether there is any underlying romance, at least it is certain that there are many similarities that would bring two people together. As the common saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” I think it sometimes can be easier to meet someone that has a lot in common with you, especially in a scenario like this when meeting at a concert in which you already know you share similar music interests and potentially other things in common that go way beyond music.

Now understanding the difference between chemistry and compatibility, what is more important in terms of guaranteeing a more happy relationship in the long run? Of course the simple answer is, the relationship needs both chemistry and compatibility–there is no disputing that. Of course you do want both to some degree. Personally, I do not think I could date someone where the chemistry is non existent and the physical attraction level is below the fifty percent mark no matter how much we have in common. I also do not think it is healthy to rely too heavily on chemistry because over time, you might find you have almost nothing in common. Chemistry (unfortunately) can often times be blinding. You can naturally get too caught up in a moment with someone and think they are everything you could ever want in a romantic partner (that is the first mistake as no one can be that perfect or fulfill your every relationship requirement) and eventually, that feeling can slowly fade away over time once your true differences start to rise to the surface. More often than not, those differences can cause friction on any relationship and one to deteriorate altogether, even a bond that seemingly was so loving in those very early stages of the courtship.

Which leads me to the final point that compatibility is the foundation of any fulfilling long term relationship and when choosing a future life partner. Yes, there should be some level of natural chemistry and attraction towards one another but the relationship cannot survive on just chemistry alone. More importantly, compatibility on various degrees needs to be established which are determined by what you prioritize most in a relationship.