Category Archives: Self

How to Live Happily Married For a Lifetime

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While there is about a fifty percent chance that a marriage could lead to divorce, there are still many people who want to get married at some point in their lifetime. Are there ways to ensure that a marriage can last forever? Absolutely! Despite marriage statistics not being so good, that should never evoke fear or deter anyone from wanting to get married because there are definitely ways to make sure that you build a marriage that is everlasting and filled with happiness. While there are many factors involved and every marriage is unique–here are a few ways to set yourself up for a marriage that will last forever.

Find Your Best Possible Match – One of the biggest life decisions you will ever make is not only getting married but actually CHOOSING your best possible match. Personally, I had a few opportunities where I could have gotten married but being that I see marriage as a serious decision, I did not want to settle on any partner. It is okay to walk away from a relationship if you do not see it leading to a happy and fulfilling marriage. That is why it is important to really dig deep as to what you want in both a future spouse and a marriage. You need to examine if this person has the qualities that you value along with having life goals and desires that are in close alignment to yours. Do not be afraid of being too selective! You are always better off being selective than just settling on any person who wants to marry you or feel the pressure that is the next step within your relationship. If in your heart, you do not see this person in your future, then you need to break off the relationship and trust that the Universe will be bringing you the right match when you are spiritually ready to attract this into your life.

Make Sure the Feelings are MUTUAL – This is a common mistake that I see in many relationships. You might have one person who is devoted and loves their partner whereas the other person is not as interested. This is a major issue and often an issue that does not change for the better. If one person is not as interested, there is a good chance that this person will ultimately end the relationship at some point because they were settling or never too invested to begin with. It is important to recognize that you cannot love someone into falling more in love with you. Meaning that you can do everything to show your love for this person but if the person is not really in love with you, then that will never change. If you recognize that you are with a partner who has the potential of leaving you due to their lack of commitment or interest, you are always better off breaking it off before it leads to marriage because you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them in return.

Communication is EVERYTHING – It is essential that you make communication a priority in your marriage. This means being able to express how you feel and being as authentic to one another as possible. People tend to assume that their spouse is a mind reader and should have the ability to read their emotions and know how to treat them. This is often not the case! The only way that your spouse can understand you better is to actually communicate with them. This not only strengthens your bond to one another but allows for two people to really learn about each other on a deeper level.

Learn to Make Sacrifices for the Greater Good of the Marriage – Every successful marriage requires a good balance of give and take. When you have one person who is constantly taking and not making the personal sacrifices needed to make their partner happy, this is where you can see built up resentment and a chance for the relationship to deteriorate all together. It is a reality that you are not always going to get your way which is why it is important to understand when to compromise. If making certain sacrifices means making your spouse happy, then you should know it is worth it! As I mentioned, remember that it goes both ways meaning that your spouse should also make compromises to make you happy as well.

Divorce is Not an Option Mentality – When times get tough within a marriage, it is very easy to want to file for divorce and to end it in its entirety. In certain extreme scenarios where there is abuse, neglect, and/or other major problems arise, I would have to agree getting a divorce is necessary. In most common circumstances though, most problems within a marriage could be fixed or improved given that both parties strive to work things out and have the belief that divorce is never an option. If two people have this mentality, then the thought of divorce would never cross either person’s minds. It is important to think positively and to come to solutions together–no matter what.

What to Do If Your Partner Tries to Change You

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I know I have written past blogs about what to do if you want to change your partner and how I do not believe that is the best approach in most dating scenarios. What if you are in the situation where someone is trying to change you? Is there a solution? Whether you want to hear it or not, if you find that you are with someone who is constantly trying to change you–whether it be your habits, personality, appearance, etc. then you should reconsider the longevity of your relationship and if it is worth keeping this person in your future. If someone wants to change you, this is not only a form of control but there is also an underlying issue at hand: This person does not love and accept you for you. This is a problem and one that should not be overlooked or ignored. I know you might be thinking, “Well if this person chooses to be with me, then this person must love me and want to be with me.” While on the surface this might be true, it is only a matter of time before the relationship unravels or there are more issues that arise over time. It is possible the person likes you for certain qualities but that the bad qualities outweigh the good which is why your partner feels justified putting in the effort to try to change you. That does not make it okay and you should not feel the need to have to do this in order to please your partner. Of course if it is a simple and easy request, then it is reasonable to make the change. Please keep in mind that I am only talking about if someone is trying to change you in drastic ways that go against your will and the core of who you are.

You should never be a person’s second best or feel as though you are not good enough within a relationship. If you find that you feel this way, rather than waiting for the other person to end it, it is better if you find the strength to end it yourself. Another suggestion is to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and see how your partner responds. Someone who genuinely loves you is not going to react negatively and will empathize with your feelings. I recognize that it can be hard to have these conversations along with the consideration of ending the relationship but you have to trust in your heart that there is a better match for you. Remember that choosing a life partner is one of the biggest life decisions that you will ever make. You should absolutely be with someone who adores you and loves you unconditionally. You are too valuable to settle on being with someone who does not see the very best version of yourself. This is why you need to put yourself first and demonstrate self love by not tolerating a partner who tries to control or change you. You are ALWAYS better than that! 😉

The Difference Between Practicing Self Love and Being an Actual Narcissist

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It is often misconstrued that someone who practices self love can be seen as someone who is selfish or in extreme cases can be labeled as a narcissist. This is actually the complete opposite. A person who practices self love is someone who has high self esteem while also having the capacity to accept themselves despite their flaws. This person does not need external validation to feel fulfilled and happy inside. In addition, this person follows their passions and makes life decisions that are in alignment with what they naturally gravitate towards as opposed to doing things based on what everyone else is doing. Those who practice self love should not be judged negatively and should be seen as people who have a healthy relationship with self.

Someone who is an actual narcissist might come off as a highly confident individual but the truth is– deep down inside, a narcissist has very poor self esteem. This would explain the need for constant validation from the outside world in order to provide internal security or elevate their self esteem in any way. This person will also do selfish things without regarding others’ feelings which again goes back to the need of doing whatever it takes to increase their self esteem–even if that means bringing other people down in the process. Sadly, narcissists tend to feel good to make others feel bad about themselves.

As mentioned previously, narcissistic qualities can include looking for admiration from others, lack of empathy, and low self esteem. It is pretty easy to detect someone who is narcissistic because they are caught up with self in both selfish and negative ways. Someone who practices self love is not caught up with seeking attention and naturally values self without the need to rely on others for the confidence boost. It is important to recognize when you come across a narcissist so that you can avoid them at all costs, especially within your personal relationships. It is not worth getting involved as you will probably get hurt at some point along the way.

Why Being Physically Unattractive Shouldn’t Be Seen as a Bad Thing and How to Make the Most of It

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There is no denying that we live in a world where looks matter. Many people tend to be vain by nature but on top of that, many of us live in a social media world where people are showcasing their best looking selves at all times. The truth of the matter is, what you see can be a false reality and this is all SURFACE level. People should not be overly consumed with their outer appearance and focus more on what they have to offer that is unrelated to their looks. That is not to say that I am saying to let yourself go and not care about your physical looks whatsoever but to have other priorities and goals in life. Are there actual benefits to being unattractive? Believe it or not, there actually can be but it is really up to you to shift your perspective to see it this way.

For one, there are so many ways in which you can improve and enhance your natural looks nowadays. I am not referring to extreme measures such as plastic surgery but natural ways such as developing a good clothing style along with implementing a healthy diet/exercise routine. When you are fit and healthy, you tend to look more attractive. Everyone has the capability to make themselves look better or to enhance their image so there really are no excuses. Even if you possess features that you are not fond of, there is no need to focus on the negatives but to shift your mind onto all of your good features. (Trust me, everyone has them but it is up to you to recognize them)!

If you are not the most attractive person, it is reassuring in the dating world to know that the person dating you is more likely to be interested in you as a person versus only dating you for your looks. People who only date for looks typically end up very disappointed because they are not always taking the time to get to know the person from a spiritual level. If someone is investing the time to get to know you, this is a good thing because the person most likely is not shallow or might even find you attractive despite how you view yourself. As they say, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” so everyone is attractive to someone which means that there is no need to have unrealistic beauty standards.

While you might not have been born with great looks, this opens up opportunities to excel in other areas in life. Perhaps you are naturally athletic or artistic or have some other talent that you can maximize. There are many professions and hobbies where looks are not even a factor so it is wise to excel in these other areas of life rather than thinking negatively about your appearance. I find that people who are naturally not as attractive tend to be more successful than someone who was born extremely good looking because this person usually needs to try a little harder in life to get what they want. I especially see this with shorter men. Almost every short guy I know has a good career or financial success. Reason being that a man who is short understands at a younger age that he has to try harder (especially in the dating department) to compensate for not being as tall. That might mean having a larger bank account to attract a mate. I am not generalizing and saying this is true for all short men or unattractive people but it is an observation that I have made that I find to be valid. It makes sense too! People who are good looking feel that they do not need to do as much to get attention, validation, or to please others because people naturally tend to gravitate to them more. The same also goes for people who were not born into a lot of wealth. These are the people who work much harder than someone who was given everything in life because they understand from a young age that it is necessary to work hard because nothing is provided to them for free. When you are not born with something, rather than feeling bad about yourself or feeling defeated, it is essential that you do not let that get in the way of your success or see it as a handicap. It is up to you to rise above and work with what you have while striving to attain more. Time and time again, everything comes back to developing a strong and positive mindset so when it comes to your looks, the same mindset should apply.

Reevaluating the “American Dream” – What Are YOUR Dreams?

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Many people have the desire to fulfill the “American dream” which might include buying a house with a white picket fence and finding a career path that guarantees a lot of money. It could also include being married with a family. We live in a world where we feel the need to conform to societal norms and with social media platforms of people living their best lives at all times. The reality is, life is not designed to be perfect and the societal expectations of how life should be might not be everyone’s destiny–and there is nothing wrong with that! It is important to recognize that we should not feel the need to be doing what everyone else appears to be doing and evaluate our own dreams. Your dreams might not entail going to college or getting married or owning a house. If your dreams are to have these things, also remember that it could take many years for your dreams to manifest into realities. This requires a good amount of patience on your part along with a deep mental focus and a high level of trust that you have a bright future ahead of you. Everything truly does start with your mental state so keep it a positive one!

What are your dreams? – It is essential to really think about what you want from your life and to establish what your desires are. The more defined and concrete that your dreams are, the more likely it is that you will find the path to achieve them. I recommend not only to think about them but to write them on paper or on an index card. While some might think this is a waste of time, this extra step can make a big difference by keeping you accountable, focused, and serious about what you want to accomplish. Even if your dreams seem out of reach at the present moment, you should write them down anyway! As I mentioned previously, your dreams might not even be in alignment with the “American dream” but at the end of the day, you need to live your life authentically and be as true to yourself as possible if you want to be happy and feel fulfilled. You have one life to live and it is up to you to determine what makes it meaningful and manifest your own dreams.

Mortgage or Marriage First? – My Thoughts on Living Together Before or After Marriage

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Back in the day, most couples would wait to get married before they would move in together. Fast forward to the modern world that we live in and you will find that many couples choose to buy or rent a place together before getting married. There are also couples who decide to live together with no intention of getting married. Is there one option that is better than the other? The best answer to this is to really take a deep dive and examine what your personal life goals are along with your personal values. I say “personal” because it is important to really have your own set of individual goals and values to help you determine exactly what you are looking for. Then you can proactively seek a partner who has goals and values that are closely aligned with your own. If you don’t think about what you truly want, it is easy to fall into a relationship where the other person controls yours or you make too many personal sacrifices just to do whatever it takes to please your partner which is never a healthy dynamic.

For me personally, I was brought up with the old school way of thinking that it is better to get married first and then live together. Mind you, I was also raised to think for myself and make my own independent decisions–even if that could drastically be different from my parents. In other words, although I was raised with this way of thinking, I happen to also agree with it despite the social shift that has happened in recent years. Personally, I believe if marriage is one of your end goals, that it is better to wait until marriage before living together. One of the reasons is that it gives you something really great to look forward to as a couple if you choose to wait. If you live together first and then get married, there really isn’t too much of a change because you have already experienced living together. To me, getting the privilege to live together should come with marriage and not be something taken lightly. In the past, I had serious relationships where my partner would talk about wanting to live together. I find it rather insulting to talk about living together before talking about marriage. Even if that is not the intent, that is how I felt because of my strong personal value of cherishing marriage before cohabitation. So my answer was always a firm NO. Many people want all the perks of living together without marriage which means cheaper living expenses and taking up more of your time. However, why would you essentially give that privilege to someone without the commitment of marriage? Essentially as the idiom goes, why buy the milk if you can have the cow for free? That is why I believe in being patient and waiting for marriage before even talking about living together with anyone. If someone is that eager to live with you, this person should be just as eager to marry you if that is something that this person is also looking to manifest in their future.

If marriage is something that you do not care about and you are looking for a companion to live with and/or trying to keep your living costs down then I would say that there is nothing wrong with making this choice. There is nothing wrong with not wanting marriage and I would encourage those who feel this way to never feel pressured to get married against their will as this would only result in resentment and potentially a divorce later in life. If saving money is a huge priority and you would prefer to save money living together before marriage, then as I mentioned, this is okay as well. That is why I emphasize that you need to have concrete goals and values which will ultimately guide you in making the best life decisions for both you and your partner.

Complaining Is Often Unnecessary – Here Are 3 Alternatives

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I would say that one of my biggest pet peeves are people who complain too much. The irony of me writing about this topic is that I am being a hypocrite by complaining about complainers (lol) but I am just stating the fact that there is nothing really positive about complaining. It is okay to vent from time to time and this is natural; however, when complaining becomes an excessive everyday habit, I would suggest being aware of the issue and making a conscious effort to find ways to reduce it or break the habit altogether. The good news is, there are many highly effective alternatives that you can apply and here is a good list to start with.

Focus on The Good – There is Always a Silver Lining – No matter how bad things appear to be, I honestly believe that it can’t be as bad as you think as things could always be so much worse. If you adopt this perspective, you will never feel the need to complain. At the present moment, you might be thinking, “ugh this is awful” but in reality, it’s not that bad after all. At the end of the day, you are going to be just fine. 😉

Learn to Adapt – It is important to develop coping skills and being able to roll with the punches when things don’t seem to go your way. There really is no need to complain if things are out of your control which is why it is much more beneficial to find ways to adapt. Learn to keep your mind positive despite the adversity or hardship you are experiencing. It is better to keep a peaceful and happy state of mind no matter what is happening. Usually whatever it is that is bothering you will pass over time.

If You are That Unhappy Then It Is Time to Make Some Life Changes – People tend to complain about things that are easily within their control and can be changed for the better. For example, are you unhappy about your job? If so, then it’s time to think of getting a new one or finding a new profession altogether. There are so many things that people complain about that could be prevented simply by making the changes that are needed to make life a much happier one! Sometimes change is scary and it can make you feel uneasy when you are out of your comfort zone but without taking the risks, you won’t reap the rewards. That is why I recommend striving to make changes in your life for the better because then you will not feel the need to complain about life as much.

Navigating Expectations Within Relationships – Why It Is Important to Find a Healthy Balance

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When it comes to expectations, I find that people tend to either set them too high or too low. It is definitely good to set expectations in general as opposed to not setting them at all but there is such a thing as setting expectations that are too high. When it comes to personal relationships, it is important to make a conscious effort in finding a healthy balance with your expectations. It is natural to place high expectations on a new relationship or when you meet someone new whom you really like. While you might have a mental checklist of exactly what you are looking for in a mate, the reality is, no one is perfect and no one is going to fit every single item on your checklist. That is why I emphasize that the key is BALANCE when navigating your expectations or otherwise you are always going to be left unhappy–no matter who you’re with.

I recommend taking the time to develop a realistic list of expectations of what matters to you most but to also keep your mind open to other people’s differences. While it is great being able to find a person with many similarities, sometimes contrasting traits will enhance the relationship and still ensure that there is compatibility because they will compliment each other. A common example of this is if someone is more extroverted, this person will tend to connect better with someone who is more introverted. When developing any healthy relationship, it is essential to have the capacity of adapting to others while also being flexible. As I mentioned previously, being too rigid and/or setting your expectations too high will typically result in major disappointment and unhappiness which all could have been avoided.

If you do find that you are dating someone who doesn’t meet any of your expectations–in other words, this person has more negative qualities than positive qualities, then you have every right to want to cut your losses and move on. There is no point in settling with being someone who does not live up to any of your expectations and mislead the other person into thinking that you are invested in the relationship when you already know ultimately that you are not interested due to unmet expectations.

Self Confidence Is Based On YOUR Personal Beliefs Above Anything Else

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Self confidence can come from various sources and change throughout the course of your life; however, there is no denying that self confidence will naturally manifest from within if you do things that align with your belief system. For example, if you believe that education equates to success, then you should take the courses needed to help you progress in your career which would ultimately make you a successful person over time. Everyone’s personal values and beliefs are individually selected so it is important to establish what you find most important and then take the action that is needed to possess those qualities. Another example might be prioritizing a fit and healthy physique as something that makes you feel confident. If this is important to you, then you will naturally be inclined to work out and implement a healthy diet in order to get the results needed.

While many have a belief that what others think of you matters, it is important to develop the mindset that you are a high value individual and can generate your own self confidence no matter what other people do or say. When you genuinely possess high self esteem, your belief about yourself will never be impacted or changed. Why? Your confidence levels and self worth are not determined by the people around you and come from within which is ultimately a positive thing. You want to get to a place in your life where you do not care what other people think of you because how you feel about yourself is what matters most. That is why it is important to pursue things that bring you both joy and confidence which are in alignment with your beliefs. If you are unhappy with yourself and your life, it is time to dig deep and make some serious changes. You need to first focus on what you want and from there, actually implement the changes needed while working on developing the characteristics that can allow you to become the person you want to be. Keep in mind that it is important to want to make the changes for yourself and not because someone is pressuring you to be a certain way or to please others. Always let your intuition paired with your belief system be the guiding forces of your life and you will be on a spiritual path to growth and acceptance of self.

A Mother’s Day Message My Mom Gave Me 10 Years Ago That Applies to All Women

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While Mother’s Day just passed a few days ago, it is good to acknowledge it but realistically everyday. Although I am not a mom, 10 years ago, my mom had printed a copy of Maya Angelou’s poem, “Phenomenal Woman” and placed it in a frame. Although I was familiar with Maya Angelou, I was not familiar with this poem. I always kept this proudly displayed in my room on my dresser and just realized that it has been exactly a decade since I was given this gift and the message still applies. The best thing about it is, it applies to all women and does not matter if you are a mom or not. This was a thoughtful gift from my mother that I will never forget and that I will always cherish. The poem is below and I advise everyone to take the time to read it.

The inner confidence of knowing your value and knowing you are a phenomenal woman is way more important than superficial things such as one’s outer appearance. Some women go through a great extent to keep up with their physical appearance when the truth of the matter is, it is the inner beauty that counts most and what classifies a woman to be a truly phenomenal one. It is great to care about self care and investing time to keep up with appearances but that should never be the sole source of one’s self confidence. Being the prettiest girl in a room means nothing if there is no substance or value from within. Don’t forget that being phenomenal is more than just looks and that it is a mindset! 😉