Category Archives: Empathy

You Don’t Need Beauty, Brains, or Money – What You Need MOST in a Relationship

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Now I know the title might seem a bit extreme but I am sure that it did catch your attention (which was the whole point). 😉 I want to start off by saying that when you are searching for a life partner, there are going to be tons of qualities that you are looking for and that every individual’s criteria is going to vary. Most people are going to have some of the same general things while others will have very specific attributes that are important to you but might not be important to someone else.

Going back to what people “generally” are looking for, many people will say that finding someone who is extremely physically attractive or intelligent or wealthy will be on the top of their lists. I am not here to tell you that you should not be striving for those qualities if that is something of importance to you. However, what I do want to point out is that these are not only common requests but that they are rather generic and surface level things to ask for from a life partner. Ultimately, don’t you think there should be deeper and more meaningful qualities to look for?

This brings me to something that I personally find ESSENTIAL in a life partner and a quality that is not really talked about often enough. I would say that a high level of emotional intelligence goes a LONG WAY in a forever type of relationship. Too often I hear people say that they are interested in someone who is “intelligent” but that can mean different things to different people and what I might label as “intelligent” might be radically different to someone else. I also do not think being “smart” really adds a whole lot to a relationship unless perhaps you crave having intelligent conversations with your partner on a regular basis. Now adding that emotional component to intelligence is very specific and refers to someone who is able to understand, emphasize, and relate to you. This is so crucial in a relationship! It is important to be with someone who really takes the time to not only get to know you but understand you emotionally speaking where you do not have to explain yourself or feel that you need to be less vulnerable because the other person (sadly) does not have that emotional intelligence component in their brain.

Over the years, I have grown to value this quality and seek it within all my personal relationships which include friendships as well. Being able to create an emotional bond with your partner while also feeling heard and understood on an emotional level is such a healthy component within a relationship. In romantic relationships, I understand that there are going to be many qualities that are essential to you but try to dig a little deeper and look past the surface level things. While I do understand having an attractive, smart, and wealthy mate are ideal qualities–I look at those qualities as bonuses rather than essentials. Think about it–looks can and often tend to fade over time, being smart doesn’t really add too much to the relationship itself at the end of the day, and your partner can always run out of money one day. If you relied too much of your decision on finding a life partner based on these things then you will end up feeling very disappointed, unhappy, or left feeling empty if this criteria were to not stay the same over time. It is for this reason that you should opt to find someone who is emotionally intelligent which will better ensure the longevity of your relationship in the long run.

While Communication Is One of Many Keys of a Successful Relationship — So Is Learning to UNDERSTAND

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There is no denying that communicating with your partner is important and can ensure a healthy and long lasting relationship. However, sometimes people rely too much on communication but forget to actually take the time to listen and understand. While communication is a great thing, you can have two people expressing themselves to one another but failing to UNDERSTAND what is being said to one another. It is just as essential to try to empathize and understand as it is to communicate. If more people took the time to do this, there would be less conflicts, miscommunications, and even breakups. When you love someone unconditionally, you will not only learn the importance of great communication but also learn why understanding your partner will lead to a lasting future together. Remember that it takes two equally dedicated people to make a relationship work so that is why both people need to make this effort to understand each other.

As I just pointed out, there are going to be times that you will not see eye to eye with someone, no matter how much you try to explain yourself. Rather than trying to challenge your partner, take the time to really absorb what they are trying to express to you and learn to accept them. You will find that sometimes this is best in order to keep the peace and harmony within the relationship. It is okay to have your differences and to express them but one should never feel judged or misunderstood within a relationship. Another good lesson that ties into understanding is having the capacity to pick your battles and to be the bigger person. You need to be able to step outside the situation and look at the bigger picture: Is it worth it to cause an issue? If the answer is no, then it is up to you to accept and understand your partner at the end of the day. You will both be happier and continue to create a stronger bond with one another.

What to Do If Your Partner Tries to Change You

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I know I have written past blogs about what to do if you want to change your partner and how I do not believe that is the best approach in most dating scenarios. What if you are in the situation where someone is trying to change you? Is there a solution? Whether you want to hear it or not, if you find that you are with someone who is constantly trying to change you–whether it be your habits, personality, appearance, etc. then you should reconsider the longevity of your relationship and if it is worth keeping this person in your future. If someone wants to change you, this is not only a form of control but there is also an underlying issue at hand: This person does not love and accept you for you. This is a problem and one that should not be overlooked or ignored. I know you might be thinking, “Well if this person chooses to be with me, then this person must love me and want to be with me.” While on the surface this might be true, it is only a matter of time before the relationship unravels or there are more issues that arise over time. It is possible the person likes you for certain qualities but that the bad qualities outweigh the good which is why your partner feels justified putting in the effort to try to change you. That does not make it okay and you should not feel the need to have to do this in order to please your partner. Of course if it is a simple and easy request, then it is reasonable to make the change. Please keep in mind that I am only talking about if someone is trying to change you in drastic ways that go against your will and the core of who you are.

You should never be a person’s second best or feel as though you are not good enough within a relationship. If you find that you feel this way, rather than waiting for the other person to end it, it is better if you find the strength to end it yourself. Another suggestion is to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and see how your partner responds. Someone who genuinely loves you is not going to react negatively and will empathize with your feelings. I recognize that it can be hard to have these conversations along with the consideration of ending the relationship but you have to trust in your heart that there is a better match for you. Remember that choosing a life partner is one of the biggest life decisions that you will ever make. You should absolutely be with someone who adores you and loves you unconditionally. You are too valuable to settle on being with someone who does not see the very best version of yourself. This is why you need to put yourself first and demonstrate self love by not tolerating a partner who tries to control or change you. You are ALWAYS better than that! 😉

“You Can Always Make Money But You Can’t Make Up for Lost Time”

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The death of Gabby Petito had not only made headlines nationally but also worldwide. Gabby’s life was cut short at the age of 22 years old and she was sadly found dead in an area out in the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming. Her death was confirmed a homicide and is a tragedy that continues to draw media attention. At her funeral, her stepfather Jim Schmidt had said, “You can always make money but you can’t make up for lost time.” This quote resonated with me and I am sure many people can agree with this. As much as we dedicate our lives to our careers and working lives, at the same time, we have to realize that there is more to life than just working and making money.

I had recently wrote an article this past summer talking about this exact topic. As I have gotten older, I definitely value quality of life (aka my personal time) over money. That’s not to say that I don’t work as hard but what it does mean is that I make an effort to make time to do the things that I LOVE! I never want life to pass me by and look back wishing I had done something that I really wanted to do. I truly do try to live life in the present as best as I can. I think everyone should take the time to pursue their interests and as the title of my blog states, “Make up the life you love.” I am not saying that work is not important or that we don’t need money. I just believe that we should find a balance where we have a healthy work life along with a healthy personal life filled with whatever makes our life feel most complete. 🙂

George Floyd – One Year Anniversary Today – May 25, 2021

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It is hard to believe a full year has gone by since George Floyd’s tragic death happened in Minneapolis on May 25, 2020 that not only shook the United States but the entire world. It is still so heartbreaking to think about to this day because although this brought racial awareness regarding the injustice towards African Americans, I look at it like this as I have also previously stated in my blog:  It does not matter what the color of your skin is to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. While there are many who choose to segregate ourselves from one another based upon our race and other criteria such as religion and gender, I still genuinely look at all of us as people. Unfortunately, I recognize that not everyone feels that way which is why we keep seeing reoccurring incidents like George Floyd’s death play out time and time again along with countless racial injustices.

Although I am only one person, that does not mean that I cannot make a change when it comes to racial matters. It actually took me many years to see how badly people were discriminated against based on the color of their skin even though this is sadly a common reality for many people. It is not limited to race either, as a person can get discriminated against based on just about anything. Even though I do not discriminate against others and I rarely witness or experience racism in my everyday encounters–this does not mean racism is non-existent. This was a realization that unfortunately did not hit me until I started to pay attention to the media more and follow the news which only captures a small percentage of what is really happening in the world. Now that I am aware, I make it a point to talk to others about racial matters so they too are aware of what’s happening. I am taking the time right now to talk about this in my blog not only because it’s currently a “hot topic” but because I want to promote equality and discuss ways in which we can create unity amongst one another. Besides talking about it, I try to make an extra effort to connect with people of various backgrounds so they feel accepted and a sense of comfort within my presence. This is something I believe we can all make the conscientious action to take because it is so important to make everyone and anyone feel included, valued, and important in this world.

While we take this time to remember George Floyd’s life and how his death brought awareness of the racial injustices that continue to plague our society, let’s also remember that our little everyday actions can shape the world in becoming a happier, peaceful, positive, and more accepting place. We as individuals will always have the capability of making an impact; however, when we also take the time to come together as one, that is when real social change begins to happen. 🙂 ❤

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith Red Table Talk – Thoughts on Her “Entanglement” and What to Do if You Find Yourself in the Same Situation

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When it comes to celebrity gossip, sometimes it grabs my attention but often times I do not know what is going on unless it makes some sort of headline news. For whatever reason, I kept seeing headlines regarding the relationship status of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith within the past 48 hours which lead me to do a little of my own research and find out what this whole “Red Table Talk” of theirs was all about. I could not tell you much about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith other than I know they have been married since the 90’s and seemed to be going strong although based on the recent headlines, I found out otherwise. More specifically, years ago she had an affair with August Alsina who is a singer and happens to be a friend of their son. The truth of the matter is, things might appear great on the surface but you truly do not ever know what goes on behind closed doors. Their relationship has proven to be an epic example of this. I realize their business is no one’s business but at the same time, they came out publicly and recorded their conversation to let people know what was going on between them. This leaves room to analyze the situation in which I will point out some things I picked up from what I watched. Again, I do not know all the details of their relationship and of course many details are kept private but I can at the very least make some observations of what I did learn from their recent discussion on Jada’s Red Table Talk which is a podcast you can find on Facebook.

The reason I find that this is worth bringing to the table (in this case written about in my blog) is because I would not categorize this as “Oh this only happens in celebrity relationships.” Whether in a stage of separation or not, basically an affair occurred and this unfortunately is quite common within personal relationships and even more sadly within marriages. I will point out some things that stood out to me from their public discussion and then share how I would handle the same situation.

Some quotes from Jada Pinkett Smith:

“I got into a different kind of entanglement with August.” – I am sorry but is “entanglement” a code word in 2020 for affair or relationship or just what exactly? That in and of itself is distasteful to me because we are adults here. Can we just call a spade a spade and just simply be straightforward and say, “I had an affair with August?” I do not understand why she cannot be more upfront and just say this out loud. Funny enough, Will Smith tries to call her out on that term and she still uses it!

“I just wanted to feel good.” – Jada justifies her actions for wanting to feel good. I understand if there is any type of friction or hardship in your current relationship/marriage, then you are going to rely on other sources for providing you that happiness or a “feel good” feeling. However, starting essentially a new relationship or as she labeled it a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex is just a recipe for disaster on many levels. I am sure it started out innocently but the problem is it allowed her to get too vulnerable which later lead to an affair. By that, I mean both emotional and physical cheating, just to put all the facts on the table.

“I learned so much about myself.” – Jada makes this statement but does not really elaborate on what exactly she learned about herself and more importantly, their relationship. If someone told me they cheated and then followed it with, “I learned so much about myself” — it is like, “Oh okay, that is nice you learned more about yourself but do you care about how that impacts our relationship?” Which leads me to the point that I have a major issue with the fact that NOT ONCE did she ever take ownership for her actions or apologize for the mistakes she has made along the way (aka having an affair). This shows to me a lack of empathy which is a huge red flag because that means she is unaware of how her actions affect other people and in this case her husband.

“One of the things that I am deeply grateful for between you and I is that we really have gotten to that place of unconditional love.” – I would not say this is “unconditional love.” Maybe on Will’s end because despite everything that has happened, he is willing to stay and make it work. (To be honest, I do not even think I could call this unconditional love but rather a lack of love towards himself which I will further explain later). For Jada, I do not think her actions have really proven that she has an unconditional love towards her husband. I would say a lack of respect towards him and their marriage, yes. Perhaps if she made some type of an apology or had any hint of remorse, I could reconsider my viewpoint but that was not the case based on what she said publicly.

Okay so now what? What to do if you are in a similar situation? If it were me:

Personally, my perception of self tells me that I deserve the very best, I have a lot to offer to the right person, and I am a hot commodity (lol I know that might come off a smidge conceited but when I say that, I am just saying that I can attract someone new if I really wanted to). So if within a committed relationship, a person is betraying my trust, not empathetic towards my feelings, and has no respect for their relationship with me, how is it possible for me to stay with that person? For one, that is not what I define as a commitment. Furthermore, it is in COMPLETE contradiction of my perception of self and what I want to attract in my life. A guy having a sidepiece (temporary or not) in addition to me? THAT IS A HUGE HELL NO!!! I am all or nothing with most things in life, especially my relationships. If someone cannot provide me their all, then I want nothing.

At the end of the day, I love myself greater than anyone I could ever choose to be with. I generate my own personal happiness with or without someone. People need to get in that place with themselves where they are completely in acceptance and love with self and their life. That is not an easy place to get to for most people but like anything in life, you work on it! You work on bettering yourself, you work on focusing on what brings you true happiness, and you work towards your life goals.

Walking away is never easy, especially when a good length of time is invested (in their case, 25 years)! However, when you love yourself and know what your self worth is, it is a rather easy decision to want to move on. By settling, you are settling on mediocrity and that just doesn’t cut it for me. I strive for excellence, not mediocrity. If you set the bar high, you will not be in a place of settling for anything less than what you authentically desire.

Although time can heal most situations and so can therapy, I do not think I could really fully recover from someone cheating on me and have any inclination to “make it work” with that person. Those actions cannot be taken back and the emotional pain endured just does not make it worth it for me to stick around. I could maybe keep things cordial but ultimately, the final decision would be to let the person go and create a brighter future for myself.

All Lives Matter – More Awareness and Empathy is Needed in This World

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Since the horrifying and inhumane death of George Floyd a little over a week ago, it has caused a tremendous amount of pain, outrage, and sadness across the United States and around the world. While there has been peaceful protesting to bring more awareness to the underlying issue of inequality, there has also been an escalation of destruction that has struck major American cities in the form of looting, arson, and acts of violence–mainly directed towards the police although it has also impacted innocent bystanders. I recognize that not all the riots and protests are in direct correlation with the death of George Floyd; however, it is clear that his death has stirred many intense feelings due to the common theme of injustice without consequences more often than not towards the African American community. The truth of the matter is, racism still very much exists in this country yet no one wants to talk about it. It may be an uncomfortable subject matter for many people so often times it is an afterthought or consequently ignored altogether. Now more than ever before, I think it is necessary that people speak up and take the time to have these open discussions. We as people and as a society need to empathize with the lives that are wrongfully taken away and bring awareness to the problems we are facing. We need solutions because staying silent is not the answer as silence is a form of indifference and no real change can come from that. I am not in support of violence or acts of terror but I understand where it is coming from. People are finding ways to react by rebelling and many are left at their breaking points because this has happened way too many times now. Just a few months prior, we had the death of Ahmaud Arbery which also left me outraged and heartbroken. It does not matter what the color of your skin is to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. I do not have to be an African American to feel the pain that they feel. I might never fully be able to understand what it feels like to be discriminated against on a daily basis or have to fear my life is on the line when confronted by a police officer but I do recognize that this is not acceptable and it should no longer be tolerated.

While many preach “black lives matter,” I think the better message should be, “ALL lives matter.” We do not need to keep continuing to divide ourselves based on race and other factors to set us apart from one another. We are all human beings, so I firmly believe that all lives matter and that should be the mantra we preach together as one.