Category Archives: Attachment

The Best Time to Find Love In Your Life

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Love is a mystical human experience that connects two souls together. For some people, they might find love very early in life–perhaps in their teenage years and they manage to marry their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after. Maybe for someone else, it could take a second marriage before finding their true soulmate. It is important to understand that every single individual is on their own unique path in finding love. It can come easier for some more than others but there should not be a deadline in your mind as to when you find this person. The reason being is that you can easily make a wrong decision and end up settling for someone who wasn’t “the one.” You have to remember that every dating experience was just a part of the journey into leading you to finding your soulmate. So never be discouraged if you go through long periods without a partner or through horrible breakups along the way. This collection of experiences will ultimately lead you to the greater good of finding true love if that is something that you want to manifest in your life. The best time to find love as I mentioned will vary from person to person since everyone is carving out their own unique path but there are a few basic principles you can follow that will allow you to get to your end goal.

When You are In Love With YOURSELF – As basic as this may sound, it truly is essential for you to love yourself first above anything else. If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect someone to love you? You also cannot expect to seek validation from others in order to build more love for yourself because it truly needs to come from WITHIN. You need to find ways to accept and love yourself for both the good and the bad with a focus on all the GOOD things that you have to offer to the world.

When You are Not Really Looking – I know this can sound counterintuitive to many but it is amazing how love can find ways to find you when you are not proactively looking. The reason for this is that when you are too hungry for love, it can actually have the opposite effect and put into the Universe a needy vibration which naturally repels most people. When you are too desperate, you are thinking from a scarcity mindset where you need to cling onto any person who comes your way with the fear that you will not find anyone else. No one wants to feel that their significant other cannot function without them because this shows the person is too dependent on the person and on the relationship which is never healthy.

When Your Life Is Fabulous (With or Without Someone) – When you are living your very best life, you are giving the right vibrations into the Universe to attract love into your life. You are doing it naturally without any forced effort. This could mean that you are pursuing your passions, furthering your education, striving in your career, and/or surrounded by an amazing social circle of friends and family who adore you. People want to be with someone who is not only in a great place in their own lives but that will bring their lives UP–not down. If you are a broke bum living in your friend’s basement with a negative attitude about life and can’t get your $%^& together–no offense but why would someone naturally be interested in starting a relationship with you? You need to be very conscientious of your life decisions and create a clear path of intrinsic happiness. From there, you will notice that you will start attracting higher quality people into your life including potentially attracting your soulmate.

5 Subtle Signs That Your Partner Might Be Trying to Break Up With You

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When you are dating, it is inevitable that the relationship might not last over time. Sometimes people are left blindsided and hurt but the truth of the matter is–the signs were always there and it is up to you to be able to detect them. There are those rare scenarios when a relationship ends abruptly with no true explanation; however, the majority of the time, the relationship was leading to a breakup before it actually happened. If one takes the time to examine the other person’s behaviors leading up to the relationship to end, then it becomes more clear that this was going to happen sooner than later. Here are some subtle signs to look for that could prepare you for an upcoming breakup.

Less Communication – If you notice a person is slowly becoming less responsive, taking a long time to reply to you, or just not contacting you all too often, this typically is a subtle sign that the other person is trying to let you go without actually confronting you that this is their intent. While it is a cowardly approach, unfortunately, many people tend to do this because they do not know how to directly end the relationship or confront that they do not want to continue being together anymore. In order to gain clarity, it is natural to ask what is wrong but sometimes it is best to end it yourself when you start to notice a lessening in communication because you deserve a partner who makes the effort to be with you. There is a reason why communication is priority in a relationship so when you start to see less of it, that might be the time for you to walk away yourself.

Canceling Plans Last Minute – If your partner makes plans and is cancelling them often by choice, this is a major red flag. Yes, there will be situations in which life gets in the way and a plan would have to be cancelled but if this happens quite often and there is not really much effort in rescheduling or making it up to you, then it is pretty obvious that the person is losing interest and not making you a priority. If you are someone’s option but not a priority, then you are simply wasting your time as much as they are wasting yours. It is up to you to be proactive and not accept this behavior by being the one to stop offering your time and to consider ending the relationship.

A Drastic Pattern Change of Their Behaviors – If you notice that your partner is breaking their usual patterns, this can be a sign that they are starting to detach from you. For example, if the person usually sends you a good morning text and stopped all together, that might be something to cause you to wonder if the person lost interest or are starting to take you for granted. It is important to follow your instincts and to pay attention to these changed behaviors. Typically there is a reason for the change and it could be a sign that the relationship is no longer progressing towards a future.

Asking for a Break – Typically, a “break” is a nice way of asking to breakup or to apply extra space in a relationship that isn’t meant to last forever. It might be difficult for someone to end a relationship in its entirety so asking for a break is a stepping stone to the actual breakup. It allows the other person to test if they prefer to stay broken up or sometimes the space gives this person a chance to realize they miss the person. Either way, while a break can sometimes bring two people back together, oftentimes it is safe to say that a break will soon be followed by a breakup. Remember, when you have two loving people committed to a relationship, this would not even be a thought and the solution would be to stay together and to do whatever it takes to make things work.

There is No Talk of Your Future Together – If someone is genuinely interested in you and wants to be with you, then it will come natural for there to be conversations of what your future will look like TOGETHER. When someone avoids this topic or never thinks about spending their life with you, then chances are they never will. Yes, it could take some people a longer amount of time to develop those feelings but you should also not be in a position that you need to be waiting around for the other person to talk about the future. If you see a future with this person but the other doesn’t, then the relationship will probably end in a matter of time.

Never Neglect Yourself in Order to Receive Validation or Love From Another

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One of the biggest mistakes that I see when people are easing into a new relationship or desperately trying to form a new one with someone whom they admire is that the person starts to sacrifice self or do things to please the other person in order to earn their validation. This is a big dating mistake for a handful of reasons. For one, if you are not being your authentic self, then it is essentially false advertising if you are pretending to be someone who you are not. Maybe in the beginning, it is easy to do this but over time, your true character would come out and the person might feel blindsided or that they did not really know the real you. It is natural for there to be differences and sometimes this contrast is actually what heightens attraction. In other words, there is no real need to mask who you are to begin with and it is okay to not be exactly the same as the other person. It is good to have your own set of interests and not to feel that you have to like everything that the other person likes just to be liked by them.

If you meet someone who you want to impress and you make personal sacrifices to please this person, you might over time start to feel resentful or that you are not receiving as much in return if the other person is not reciprocating your efforts. That is why in the very beginning that it is important to take things slow and to resist your impulse to want to do whatever it takes to get the person you’re interested in to feel the same way because you do not want the relationship to become a one sided relationship. It is very easy for this to happen and for the other person to take advantage or just stick around for selfish reasons.

At the end of the day, you are simply not going to please every person who you like meaning that the feelings might not be mutual–so will you have to learn to accept that. Instead of overextending yourself and becoming a doormat to someone who most likely will never ever change their opinion of you, it is far wiser to just move on and find someone who will enjoy your company and like your authentic self. This should be the ultimate goal for your long term relationships. It is important to surround yourself around people who support, adore, and cherish you for you. It should not be conditional where they like you because you try to transform yourself to become someone who they want you to be and it is far from who you are at the core. Remember that when you embrace your true self, the right people will come your way and you will develop more healthier relationships that are reciprocal and fulfilling.  

Social Media and Dating – The Do’s and Don’ts

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It is crazy how social media has easily become a large part of our daily lives. We use it as a source for information, to post updates, to see what everyone else is up to, connect with people, promote ourselves, and so much more. When it comes to your personal relationships, social media can play a role by either adding issues to your relationship or strengthening your bond. It is important as a couple to discuss your feelings about dating and social media because you cannot assume that your partner will agree with your values when it comes to how it affects your relationship. While I am writing a general guideline about what is okay and not okay, it is still best to talk about it as everyone’s personal views can vary. 

Do Validate Your Partner by Liking and/or Commenting on Their Posts – Even if the post is not relevant to your relationship, it is nice to acknowledge that you read it or support it by liking it. You can even take it a step further by leaving a positive comment about the post. This makes the other person feel that they are being validated and that what they have to contribute is important not only to them but also to you as well.

Do Include Both Posts With and Without Your Partner - While it is important to post nice photos with your partner to show the memories that you create together and your appreciation towards them, it is as equally important to be allowed to post photos without them. It is a good balance to incorporate both as opposed to saturating your page with too much couple content or the opposite extreme of not posting them at all. If you are with someone who does not like to be posted on social media whatsoever, it is important to respect this request.

Do Spend Quality Time Together Without Using Your Social Media - It is very easy to stay attached to your phone and devices throughout the day without spending enough quality time with your partner. It is for this reason that you should find time each day to spend quality time with one another without the use of social media or a cell phone by your side. In order to detach, it is a good idea to leave the device in a room to charge or where it is not easily accessible.   

Don’t Stalk Your Partner’s Every Move on Social Media – It is okay to want to look at the people that your partner follows or interacts with but it is unhealthy to analyze their every move and to track their likes and comments on other people’s posts. This can cause undue insecurities or a lack of trust when there really is no need to worry about anything. It is best to stay in your lane and to not care about what your partner is doing on their social media.  

Don’t Read Your Partner’s Personal Messages Without Their Permission – This is a huge boundary issue and invasion of privacy if you go through your partner’s personal messages without consent because it not only can cause a good amount of resentment but also for there to be trust issues against you. If you are in a relationship where you feel the need to do this, then this is probably not the right relationship for you. If this is a habit that you have had throughout your previous relationships, then it might be a good idea to seek professional therapy to help you navigate underlying insecurities or trust issues that you have.

Don’t Keep in Contact with an Ex on Social Media – Although this should go without saying, it still needs to be said. Of course every breakup scenario is different so while there might be instances where keeping an ex on social media is totally harmless, the majority of the time, it is truly best to cut off all communication with an ex and in some cases to block the ex all together. The reason for this is to protect one’s privacy but to also prevent a lingering ex from trying to reach out and reform a connection.

If You Do Not Feel Like Someone’s Priority–You Probably Are NOT! – Here’s the Solution

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Have you ever been in a relationship where you just don’t feel like the other person’s priority? Sadly, not only are your feelings valid but chances are that the other person is not making you as much of a priority as you are making them. While this can leave you feeling frustrated, hopeless, neglected, and many other negative feelings–there are few ways to shift the relationship into a more balanced one or this could also be a time of deep reflection where you examine the quality of the relationship you are in.

For starters, if you ever feel someone is pulling back, not reaching out as often, spending less quality time with you, and essentially not prioritizing your relationship–then you should be mirroring their behaviors and doing the same thing. This might seem counterintuitive but this is a good test to see how often this person is choosing to be in touch and finding ways to spend time with you. If you notice that you only hear from them when you initiate more of the contact then this is definitely a problem. It is up to you to communicate your needs in a relationship and to express how you feel. The person might not know how you feel unless you explain your point of view. If you talk things out and find the person is defensive or does not care to fix the problem, then you know that this is NOT the relationship for you. Within a healthy relationship, two people should be able to openly express themselves and should want to make the effort to please each other. If this isn’t happening, then this is a good chance to walk away from the relationship without feeling bad or without any regrets. You need to be with someone who values you and wants to put in the work that is necessary to progress the relationship.

Another consideration is that sometimes the other person could require more space meaning that it is not anything personal against you. If this is the case, give the person space and some room to miss you. The person will come back to you in time. If this space dynamic is something that you find bothersome, then you need to really evaluate what your needs are in a relationship. Whenever you find yourself in a relationship where your expectations are not being met along with your partner also being aware of them without making any changes then you should put yourself first by walking away from the relationship. Many people may be scared to be alone but it is way better to be alone where you can focus on bettering yourself as opposed to settling on a relationship that does not bring you enough happiness.

How to Live Happily Married For a Lifetime

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While there is about a fifty percent chance that a marriage could lead to divorce, there are still many people who want to get married at some point in their lifetime. Are there ways to ensure that a marriage can last forever? Absolutely! Despite marriage statistics not being so good, that should never evoke fear or deter anyone from wanting to get married because there are definitely ways to make sure that you build a marriage that is everlasting and filled with happiness. While there are many factors involved and every marriage is unique–here are a few ways to set yourself up for a marriage that will last forever.

Find Your Best Possible Match – One of the biggest life decisions you will ever make is not only getting married but actually CHOOSING your best possible match. Personally, I had a few opportunities where I could have gotten married but being that I see marriage as a serious decision, I did not want to settle on any partner. It is okay to walk away from a relationship if you do not see it leading to a happy and fulfilling marriage. That is why it is important to really dig deep as to what you want in both a future spouse and a marriage. You need to examine if this person has the qualities that you value along with having life goals and desires that are in close alignment to yours. Do not be afraid of being too selective! You are always better off being selective than just settling on any person who wants to marry you or feel the pressure that is the next step within your relationship. If in your heart, you do not see this person in your future, then you need to break off the relationship and trust that the Universe will be bringing you the right match when you are spiritually ready to attract this into your life.

Make Sure the Feelings are MUTUAL – This is a common mistake that I see in many relationships. You might have one person who is devoted and loves their partner whereas the other person is not as interested. This is a major issue and often an issue that does not change for the better. If one person is not as interested, there is a good chance that this person will ultimately end the relationship at some point because they were settling or never too invested to begin with. It is important to recognize that you cannot love someone into falling more in love with you. Meaning that you can do everything to show your love for this person but if the person is not really in love with you, then that will never change. If you recognize that you are with a partner who has the potential of leaving you due to their lack of commitment or interest, you are always better off breaking it off before it leads to marriage because you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them in return.

Communication is EVERYTHING – It is essential that you make communication a priority in your marriage. This means being able to express how you feel and being as authentic to one another as possible. People tend to assume that their spouse is a mind reader and should have the ability to read their emotions and know how to treat them. This is often not the case! The only way that your spouse can understand you better is to actually communicate with them. This not only strengthens your bond to one another but allows for two people to really learn about each other on a deeper level.

Learn to Make Sacrifices for the Greater Good of the Marriage – Every successful marriage requires a good balance of give and take. When you have one person who is constantly taking and not making the personal sacrifices needed to make their partner happy, this is where you can see built up resentment and a chance for the relationship to deteriorate all together. It is a reality that you are not always going to get your way which is why it is important to understand when to compromise. If making certain sacrifices means making your spouse happy, then you should know it is worth it! As I mentioned, remember that it goes both ways meaning that your spouse should also make compromises to make you happy as well.

Divorce is Not an Option Mentality – When times get tough within a marriage, it is very easy to want to file for divorce and to end it in its entirety. In certain extreme scenarios where there is abuse, neglect, and/or other major problems arise, I would have to agree getting a divorce is necessary. In most common circumstances though, most problems within a marriage could be fixed or improved given that both parties strive to work things out and have the belief that divorce is never an option. If two people have this mentality, then the thought of divorce would never cross either person’s minds. It is important to think positively and to come to solutions together–no matter what.

Is There Such a Thing As Being Too Possessive?

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It is natural to be with someone and feel possessive of them because of your commitment and loyalty to this person. This can be a positive thing but it is important to keep an eye out when you are feeling overly possessive of the person or perhaps someone is being too possessive of you. It is important to be consciously aware of this because being too possessive within a relationship can easily turn into a toxic one. To prevent this from happening, it is important to establish healthy boundaries from day one. If you are dating someone and they do not let you do basic activities by yourself like going to the gym or hanging out with a friend, this is definitely a red flag that should not be ignored. You might want to question the cause of this or you might decide that this isn’t the relationship for you.

Typically, if you notice someone is overly possessive, it can stem from deep insecurities or trust issues. For example, someone might feel that the other person can easily steal their mate away which would explain why there is this need to be overly possessive. Even though it might appear very irrational to feel this way, for someone that is insecure, this is a common fear that usually doesn’t go away. On the other hand, someone might have been cheated on previously which would explain why there would be trust issues moving forward. This would also cause someone to be very possessive in hopes of never being cheated on again.

No matter what the cause is, as I mentioned previously, it is important to be aware of this as an issue. While being possessive might appear as though the person is extra caring, it can later turn into manipulation and controlling behavior where the person needs to know your every move in order for them to feel secure within the relationship. This is not healthy and it is important to confront the issue immediately. If the person is not receptive to changing or understanding how it can be a problem in the future, it might be wise to end the relationship altogether.

How to Build Attraction Without Playing Games

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Oftentimes people are under the impression that you need to play games in order to build attraction or to allow for someone to develop stronger feelings for you. While on the surface, there might seem to be some truth to that, the truth of the matter is, when you are looking to establish a genuine connection with someone, the good news is that you will find that you do not need to play games in order to become closer to this person. The progression should come naturally because the connection is MUTUAL. This is the key to any healthy relationship that most people tend to overlook. When you are more into someone than they are into you, this can cause the need to play games when ultimately it is actually a game over from the start and it is best to move on to find someone who likes you just as much as you like them.

Actually Be an Attractive Catch – I know this might seem like an obvious thing in terms of building attraction but you would be amazed at how many people do not put in the work that is needed to actually be a catch. While this can apply to the physical outer appearance, I am more referring to the spiritual value that you add to a relationship. Many people have a high bar of what they want and what they find attractive in a partner but then they have very little to offer in return. The problem with this is that by setting unrealistic expectations, you will always be left disappointed. That is why it is a necessity to put even more energy into developing yourself first before going out and trying to find someone that you are trying to attract. You need to be attractive in order to attract others–plain and simple advice that should go without saying but is still good to reiterate.

Be as Authentic and Honest from Day One – People often feel that they cannot be themselves from the start because they are afraid of scaring the other person away which causes the person to play games to earn the other person’s attention. The problem with this tactic is that you are not being your authentic self if you feel the need to play games. It is much wiser to be honest and express your thoughts at all times. If this scares the person away, then that should be seen as a GREAT thing because this means that they were not meant to stay in your life and you just saved yourself time that you could have utilized towards self improvement or getting to know someone who appreciates you.

Pace the Relationship and Take Things Slow – It is natural to fall for someone instantly but keep in mind that it could take the other person a longer time to feel the same way while it is also important to not let infatuation hinder you from making the right dating decisions. In other words, it is easy to be attracted to someone but once you actually take the time to get to know the person, you might find that the person is not as attractive to you as you had thought upon meeting each other. Some of the very best relationships move at what appears to be a snail’s pace but there is nothing wrong with that! As the common expression goes, “slow and steady wins the race” and this definitely applies to relationships. It is better to pace the relationship and not rush the process as opposed to playing games or trying to manipulate the other person into liking you.

What to Do When Someone Is Pulling Away And How to Prevent This From Happening In the First Place

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When you form a positive connection with someone, it is natural to want to spend as much of your time with this person to further establish a stronger bond. While this is a good feeling to have from the get go–it is still important to consciously PACE the relationship and to fight the urge of wanting to give all your attention to this person. Why? For starters, by giving all your attention too soon, it shows a high level of emotional dependency when you do not even know the person all too well yet. This for some is not only overwhelming but also could turn someone off altogether if they sense that the other person is too clingy too soon. As a result, the connection can end as fast as it seemingly progressed at the beginning or you can find that the other person is drifting away from you altogether.

The best way to prevent someone from ghosting or pulling away as I mentioned above is to remember to always PACE the speed in which your relationship develops. In other words, don’t invest yourself entirely and take your time in getting to know someone. Even if it appears that the other person is moving fast, it is up to you to be in control of the situation and continue to pace the relationship. For example, if the person is in the habit of calling you everyday, you are not obligated to pick up the call 100% of the time because you are entitled to be busy and live your life away from your this person. You should not be consistently waiting by the phone and you should also be able to resist from time to time. You can always call the person back at a time that works for you. If you find that you are already developing an emotional dependency, this is where you need to examine deep from within and figure out ways to consciously break this pattern. This not only is an unhealthy way to form any relationship but it definitely creates a LACK OF ATTRACTION over time. Why? When you are too giving of yourself, the other person tends to take you for granted and not find you as interesting because they already know everything about you without having to put in too much of their own effort. Women in particular tend to treat men like boyfriends when they haven’t even established there is a committed relationship by doing things such as cooking for them, doing their chores, and essentially become their doormat. This is NEVER attractive to either gender might I add. No one wants to be with a doormat because deep down, these people tend to have lower standards, low self worth, and are exceptionally clingy. Unless you have two people who are equally clingy by nature, then there is a shot but the average person tends to get sick of being with someone who is too clingy. Maybe the overly kind gestures and demonstrations of love are APPRECIATED but appreciation and love and two different things in my opinion. You can appreciate someone very much but never fall in love with the person. As I point out all the time, you cannot love someone into falling in love with you. That’s just not how the process works! Maybe in fairytales and romance novels but not in real life.

If you notice someone is starting to pull away, it is natural to want to chase or approach the person to find out what’s wrong but you should always fight this inclination. You should pull away as well and/or do nothing about it. It is better to mirror their behavior and back off as well because by doing so, their behavior will be very telling. If the person goes out of their way to stay in contact by keeping the connection going, then this person most likely still has an interest. If you notice the person continues to create space by pulling away from you, then it is obvious that this person is not all too interested in which you have your answer and can begin to move on as well. While oftentimes, I feel that talking things out is best for gaining clarity, sometimes the signs are in front of your face and it is just a matter of picking up the signs as they come along with examining the other person’s actions.

Is It Worth Emotionally Investing In Someone Who Has Trust Issues?

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Sometimes you will encounter someone who flat out expresses that they have trust issues or you will notice that the person is very guarded where it is hard to really connect with them. It is important to keep in mind that some people will use this as an excuse or a way to further deter developing a connection from moving forward with you rather than expressing there is a lack of interest. If a person legitimately has trust issues, the important thing to do first is to examine the cause of this–if possible. Topics can include discussing the person’s childhood or if they have previously been in relationships where there was a lack of trust and/or they were betrayed. This will not only give you a better understanding but also give you more clarity in regards to whether or not you can further develop a serious relationship with this person over time.

Another thing to consider is that if someone has a lot of trust issues, this could be a sign that they cannot be trusted either. For example, if you meet someone who constantly is accusing you of cheating when there is no rational reason behind it, it could be because this person has a history of this (or on the other hand, as I mentioned previously, that they have experienced being cheated on and now are extra paranoid it could happen again). If this is the case where their trust issues stem from the fact that they are guilty of doing things that are distrustful, then it is clear that this is not the type of person you should emotionally invest in.

Some people are also naturally more guarded than others where they just do not trust people immediately and need to take extra time in getting to know someone in order to feel close and to build trust. In these types of scenarios, this is okay and just requires extra patience on your part. If you feel that there is both a genuine and mutual connection between the two of you–where progress is being made as you continue to spend more quality time together, then it is worth sticking around to see where things go and to continue to emotional invest. It is important to sense that there is movement in a relationship where it is going places as opposed to staying stagnant. If you feel that the other person still has their guard up and it has been challenging for them to open up with you, it might be best to move on and pursue a healthy relationship where you can both build trust together.