Category Archives: Dating Advice

Chemistry vs. Compatibility – What is More Sustainable in the Long Run?

Leave a reply

If you were to ask me about ten years ago, what do I look for when dating, I probably would have said something along the lines of “love at first sight” or that undeniable spark (chemistry). Fast forward to now, if someone were to ask me that same question, my response would be, “A male version of myself” (compatibility). Don’t worry, I will break it down and further delve back into the original topic. First we need to understand what the difference is between chemistry and compatibility.

Chemistry – In dating terms, I would describe chemistry as that emotional impulse and gravity you have towards a person without any force as it just comes natural from within. I think a good amount of chemistry is driven by your physical attraction towards someone; however, it is not strictly based on the physicality as there has to also be the emotional substance from the inside in addition to their outer appearance. In other words, you can meet a model who from the outside is pleasing to the eyes solely from a looks stand point but then you find that you have zero chemistry with that person once they begin a conversation with you. My point is, physical attraction is a component of chemistry but chemistry is NOT only physical attraction. It is still possible to have chemistry with someone who you might not even be super attracted to upon meeting at first but once you cross paths, that spiritual connection is immediate. It does not take you five dates to say to yourself, “Oh I *think* I like this person now.” Nah, closer to five seconds because you either feel it on the spot or you don’t.

So if physicality is only a component of chemistry, then how else would you describe it? I would say that chemistry is that feeling you have when it is as though you have known that person for many lifetimes. You can meet one time, instantly click, and easily converse with each other for hours. You do not even notice the time when you are with this person. The spiritual connection you have is deep. The key is, it is NOT a one sided spark, it is a MUTUAL spark. You both feed off each other’s energies and the chemistry is palpable enough where any outsider can not only see it with their own eyes but they feel it too. If it is a one sided spark, I cannot label it as chemistry because it has to be a personal connection that two people share on an extremely intense level.

Scenario #1 – [Chemistry]: You arrive at a party setting where you are faced with many people you have never met before. It is crowded and dark but out of the corner of your eye, you see a guy you never saw before and he caught your attention. He is the only person at the party that was able to appear on your radar and you can’t help but do a double take as you wonder with fixated curiosity, “Who is that?” You then try to observe to the best of your ability to see if he is with someone only to find it looks as though he is single as well. Moments later you lock eyes from afar, now you are hooked on a feeling. A feeling that holds no meaning because you do not know a thing about this person. As luck or fate would have it (you can be the judge of that), this guy shows up in the forefront of your vision and he comes up to introduce himself. Not only is he even better looking in person, once the conversation ignites, it is even more apparent that you both are in an emotional trance with each other sparked by an initial attraction. Hours go by and when the night ends (or perhaps leads into morning since there is no sense of time after all), you both are left with a fervent feeling of bliss questioning when will you get to see each other again while also knowing with one hundred percent certainty that this will not be the last time because this is only the beginning.

Based on the series of events, it goes without saying that this is an idyllic and rather ideal dating scenario. For most people, I think this does not happen all too often so when it does, it actually leaves a lasting imprint on your emotions. Personally, I hardly encounter meeting someone that evokes that intense feeling to begin with. That in and of itself is rare but it can happen and when it does, you know it when you stumble across it. Even if I do meet a person who I feel that connection with, it does not always lead to it being taken a step further where I get the opportunity to have a conversation with that person in which it is not chemistry unless the other person feels that mutual magnetic pull as well. As I mentioned, it has to be a shared desire to want to explore each other and see if both emotional energies flow together. The physical draw is often the easy part to determine but it is the depth of the emotional attraction that qualifies it as chemistry.

Compatibility – Compatibility is measured by how similar you are to another person. There are endless components of compatibility in which I will make a list of some important ones (in no particular order as each individual’s priorities will vary) although I think there are many more besides the ones I listed.

– Life Goals – Do you have similar life goals and expectations for how you will live your life along with a similar time frame to accomplish these goals?
– Religion/Values – Do you share the same religious beliefs?
– Finances – Do you both have similar spending/saving habits?
– Location/Home – Do you both want to reside in the same area and envision the same type of home?
– Health/Wellness – Do you have similar eating/exercise habits?
– Leisure Time – Do you both spend your free time in similar ways and enjoy doing some of the same activities?
– Family Time – Do you both have similar preferences with how much time you enjoy spending with your own family and their family?
– Togetherness – Do you both have similar preferences with how much time you spend together and independently by yourself?
– Marriage/Children – Do you both see marriage and children in your future?
– Pets – Do you want to have pets and if so, how many and which animal(s)?

The list above features some key components when examining how much compatibility exists between two people. No two individuals are going to be exactly identical in terms of how much they share in common but the things that matter most should hopefully be somewhat similar when you are in a relationship driven by compatibility.

Scenario #2 – [Compatibility]: You are at Madison Square Garden about to see one of your favorite bands perform. This is your first time seeing them live and you end up going solo because you could not find anyone available to go but you did not want to miss out on a great show. You are in line to buy a drink and the person in front of you is wearing a hoodie with a university logo of the school that you went to. You do not strike a conversation with the person upon making this observation as this person appeared to be with a small group of people and it is not like he had left much of a lasting impression. As luck or fate would have it (again–you can be the judge of that), it turns out this guy and his group of friends are sitting in the same row as you. They have to get up so you can get to your seat and they all start talking to you since you are by yourself. The guy with the university logo hoodie graduated the same year as you and you find out that you have some mutual friends although you never met him before. He moved to the same area as you to take a job and since he is not too familiar with the area, he suggests getting together in the future. You only look at him as a friend but figured why not as you want to accept the friendly gesture. Before meeting up again, in the meantime you keep in touch via text to find out that you have much more in common than liking the same music, living in the same town, going to the same college, and even having some mutual acquaintances. It turns out that you both have a dog, have the same religious background, belong to the same gym, and enjoy playing golf on the weekends. You begin to ponder in admiration, “Is it possible to have this much in common with someone that I just met?” Despite all the commonalities, you are not so easily convinced yet this could lead to anything romantic given you did not really feel that kind of physical nor emotional spark when you first met at the concert but at the same time, you feel a level of comfort knowing you both share so much in common to begin with.

Despite a level of uncertainty whether there is any underlying romance, at least it is certain that there are many similarities that would bring two people together. As the common saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” I think it sometimes can be easier to meet someone that has a lot in common with you, especially in a scenario like this when meeting at a concert in which you already know you share similar music interests and potentially other things in common that go way beyond music.

Now understanding the difference between chemistry and compatibility, what is more important in terms of guaranteeing a more happy relationship in the long run? Of course the simple answer is, the relationship needs both chemistry and compatibility–there is no disputing that. Of course you do want both to some degree. Personally, I do not think I could date someone where the chemistry is non existent and the physical attraction level is below the fifty percent mark no matter how much we have in common. I also do not think it is healthy to rely too heavily on chemistry because over time, you might find you have almost nothing in common. Chemistry (unfortunately) can often times be blinding. You can naturally get too caught up in a moment with someone and think they are everything you could ever want in a romantic partner (that is the first mistake as no one can be that perfect or fulfill your every relationship requirement) and eventually, that feeling can slowly fade away over time once your true differences start to rise to the surface. More often than not, those differences can cause friction on any relationship and one to deteriorate altogether, even a bond that seemingly was so loving in those very early stages of the courtship.

Which leads me to the final point that compatibility is the foundation of any fulfilling long term relationship and when choosing a future life partner. Yes, there should be some level of natural chemistry and attraction towards one another but the relationship cannot survive on just chemistry alone. More importantly, compatibility on various degrees needs to be established which are determined by what you prioritize most in a relationship.

Why I Only Date Introverts and The Hidden Benefits Behind Dating Them

2 Replies

I shouldn’t say I “only” date introverts because of course I have been open minded throughout my dating life and have dated various personalities. However, if I were to look at the majority of the people I have dated, then yes, I date “mostly” introverts and yes, I am naturally most attracted to them.

For starters, I am an extrovert which means that I get the most energy from when I am surrounded by people. I think often times people get confused between whether or not they are an extrovert or an introvert because many people feel as though they can be both depending on the situation. Do I enjoy being by myself and my alone time? Of course I do like most people but when you look at the bigger picture, the truth of the matter is that I am a true extrovert at heart. To exemplify this: I love meeting new people, I have no problem going to a place where I don’t know anyone, I love going to social gatherings (weddings, parties, concerts, you name it), and I can chat to pretty much anyone in any given situation. A prior boss once told me that I missed my calling in life in which I should have become a journalist–he would compare me to Barbara Walters.

When it comes to dating, I genuinely believe that the contrast between an extrovert and an introvert is the most ideal dating scenario because they truly compliment each other and their dynamic just seems to balance each other out in the long run. If you know you are an introvert, you might not find this article as beneficial as I would tell you reasons why you should go date an extrovert; however, if you want to keep reading this so you know why you are awesome and why people should date you, then without further ado, you can keep reading. 😉

You are probably wondering what is wrong with two extroverts dating or two introverts dating. Of course there is nothing wrong with that dating situation and it could very well work out because they can relate to each other but it just comes down to a matter of your personal preference. As an extrovert, I find dating my own kind to be somewhat of an annoyance. We both want to talk all the time, we both have too many social functions to go to that conflict with one another, and we both possess a little too much social energy. Two introverts will have the opposite issues where they might not have much to say to each other with some awkward moments of silence or they simply will just never get together to begin with.

What attracts me most about introverts:

  • Introverts are exceptionally great listeners. For someone who has a lot to say all the time, it is rather refreshing to be with someone who listens but actually soaks in everything I am saying. They tend to remember better than I do things that I told them and can recall anything I have once said. There is never a need to repeat anything because they were fully engaged and listening the first time.
  • It might be a little bit more of a challenge to get to know one at first as they can be a more guarded and appear shy but this aura of mystique makes them rather attractive. For me personally, I believe it is this quality that on a subconscious level that gets me more intrigued and provokes me to start the process of getting to know them. I have always joked that if I am in a classroom setting, I am always drawn to that quiet kid in the corner. The one who doesn’t say too much yet typically possesses that cool confidence. This quietness in itself spikes my curiosity and grabs my attention (often times, less is more, isn’t it?) to want to know more.
  • Typically an introvert will have a much smaller social circle than an extrovert so if an introvert gets to know you and chooses you to be a part of their social circle, it truly means something and as a result, they are exceptionally loyal to you. This is not to say that an extrovert is not loyal or that just because they have a bigger social circle, they are incapable of prioritizing their significant other, it is just that introverts seem to be more selective with the people they allow to be a part of their lives. I value this quality because I like to feel as though I was personally selected to be their partner. I equate this to not only mean that I’m special to them but that I must add a high value to their life.
  • I find most introverts to be some of the most emotionally balanced and relaxed people out there. They tend to adapt and go with the flow pretty easily and handle any situation in the most calm way possible. This is such an underrated quality within dating but one that should be recognized and not be left unnoticed.
  • Introverts are usually very committed to their relationships and are truly there for you when you need them. I find when you ask them for something, whatever it is, they will make the effort to follow through–unless it is making them go to a social function they don’t want to go to, then that might be a struggle and a time they are more resistant but other than that, they are happy to do pretty much anything for you and I love that about them.
  • Since introverts legitimately enjoy their alone time, they will totally respect your space and your needs for your own personal time for self. I don’t think I can ever think of a time that I dated an introvert that was clingy or demanded too much of my time. Although I am an extrovert, I still very much value my independence and doing certain things without my significant other. Introverts seem to be very much okay with that as I think they mutually expect the same in return and do not like to feel smothered in any way.

Honestly, I cannot say enough good things about introverts. This is why I’ll always gravitate towards them and want to be with one. Even though I already know that when an introvert chooses to be with me, it is genuine and I am hand selected to be with them, I can honestly say in return that I would not want it any other way either. 🙂

Why I Don’t Believe in Ghosting and What You Should be Doing Instead

Leave a reply

In the context of modern dating, ghosting has become very much a common phenomenon. Essentially it is when a person you have established a connection with or perhaps are seriously dating completely falls off the face of the earth. This can happen in various forms but I would say the most popular is via text as this is the easiest way to casually stay in contact with someone which makes it even easier to go cold turkey and completely stop responding to the messages altogether. To officially label it as ghosting, it has to be a current scenario where there was a period of daily communication with the person and after a few failed attempts, the person without warning just disappears.

If an actual emotional connection had been established on either end and/or you were seeing the person consistently, I do not think it is ever appropriate to ghost someone once you made a firm decision on your terms that you no longer want to talk or get together with the person anymore. I view the act of ghosting as a sea of many negative things: selfish, cowardly, cold, immature, and insensitive just to name a few.

In a situation where you met the person one time or there was truly no connection to begin with, a valid reason as to why you no longer want to talk to the person might not be necessary and yes, you do not owe an explanation in those circumstances. However, if you were connected in any way whether it be emotionally, spiritually, or physically, I think the right thing to do instead of ghosting is to just be one hundred percent transparent and straight up with the person. Even if you know that it might not be what the other person wants to hear, at the very least you earn a level of respect for being straightforward while also saving the other person their mental sanity and time from analyzing the situation more than is needed to do so. I don’t fully understand why it is difficult for people to express with their words that there no longer is an interest or whatever the specifics may be. I know it might appear harsh or you might fear you are hurting the person’s feelings but you are ultimately helping the person by telling the truth than to just ignore the person without a reason. I think ignoring someone is way more hurtful than just delivering the hard truth.

For me personally, as the saying goes, “honesty is the best policy” and this should apply to most everything in life including your personal relationships. I do not think I can ever think of a time I ever ghosted someone because I just do not see it as the morally right thing to do to someone if the person liked me on some deeper level and was emotionally invested in any way. The times I was not interested in really seeing someone anymore, I would just spell it out and give an explanation. It does not have to be a super drawn out explanation either. I think open communication is always more effective in the long run and it is more beneficial to give someone proper closure than to make someone question what happened or be left in a state of confusion as to what lead up to the demise of the relationship.

So the next time you are in a dating situation, relationship, or even friendship that you would like to end altogether, rather than ghosting or running away from the situation, just find a way to be honest with yourself and the other person. Remember, you are doing everyone a favor by simply expressing your true intentions.

Single Ladies – How You Should be Dating in 2020 and Beyond

2 Replies

No matter what decade it is, dating will always be a hot topic; however I think it definitely has changed over time due to various factors including technology, culture, and the ever evolving fast paced society we live in. When I examine the history of my own dating life, a lot has definitely changed over the course of my lifetime. When I went to high school, social media did not even exist yet so the concept of meeting someone behind a computer screen or even a cell phone (FYI–I did not own my first cell phone until I was a junior in high school) was not a very common practice as compared to how it is today. Yes, there was internet, AOL Instant Messaging along with other messaging apps on the computer, and public chat rooms (on a sidenote–does anyone in today’s generation even know what that was?). In regards to online dating, I just did a Google search to find that the first dating site was Match.com which existed as far back as 1995. This is definitely news to me but online dating was not the mainstream way of how people met people for a date back in the day. Nowadays, you can download a dating app on your cell within minutes, create a quick profile featuring your very best selfies, thumb swipe some potential candidates, and once there are some mutual matches, within a few message exchanges later, you have a date lined up for that upcoming Saturday night. Sounds pretty easy, right? Aside from the convenience of having access to meeting new people right at your finger tips, there still is the old fashioned way of meeting someone in real life. Perhaps at your favorite coffee shop, where you go to school, or even through mutual friends. The aspect of finding new people to meet in the dating world is not the hard part but actually finding a quality partner you want to date or a meaningful relationship with someone is where the struggle lies for most women in today’s society.

Many women can attest that the modern dating script goes something like this: A woman meets a guy that she has developed a connection with on some level and often times is physically attracted to. Things are progressing seemingly well as they are seeing each other on a regular basis and communicating via text on a daily basis or at the very least a few times within the week. As more time is being invested, this leads to a deeper emotional attachment to the guy but yet there is no clear sign of what direction the relationship is going. This uncertainty provokes the woman out of confusion and a need for clarity along with a sense of security to question at some point where their relationship is going. She might try to probe with the classic, “What are we?” conversation only to find out from the guy, “It’s not like that” or “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Whatever the response may be, the bottom line is, he is NOT your boyfriend and most likely will never be looking to obtain that title in relation to you. You might be left wondering why–but does it really even matter? Is it going to change the outcome knowing the actual reason(s)? The answer is no.

To avoid this dating mistake altogether and as hard as this is in particular for women to follow this rule, my advice is this: Make a conscious effort to NOT develop an emotional attachment to one man in the very early stages of meeting him until it is established that you are very well in a meaningful relationship with that person or on some type of path leading to that during the course of your courtship–if that is what you are ultimately looking for. I know easily said than done but trust me on this one, it will save you time and emotional hardship in the long run.

The good news is, I have some dating tips on how this can be accomplished moving forward.

  • If you are totally single, you should absolutely be dating multiple people at once. I know if any man is reading this, they are cringing right about now so I’m sorry but at the same time–I’m not sorry. 😉 Seriously though, what is wrong with keeping a few options on the table? Men naturally do this all the time when dating women so why can’t a woman be doing the same in her own dating life? Going on dates and meeting new people should be fun so you might as well enjoy it while you can by exploring what is really out there. The reason I strongly advocate this way of thinking is because it also will further develop your abundance mentality. If you start to think more along the lines of, “the sky’s the limit,” then trust me, more options will begin to surface because you have the mindset to attract abundance which in this case means more available men who want to date you. If you leave yourself to think that this current guy is the one and only, this scarcity mindset will prevent you from really opening the door to other men to come into your life and want to be a part of it.

    In addition, if you have multiple options available at one time then this will keep your mind preoccupied so that you will not over commit yourself to one guy who chances are is not fully investing in you. Women have the tendency to be all in way too soon with a man which is foolish because why should a man have that privilege without earning your love and locking you down in a committed relationship? Ultimately this is all about maintaining your emotional stability and preventing you from getting too attached to one single man at any given moment during the dating process.
  • You should always be focusing on self and your independent life between your career, hobbies, social life, and passions. If you keep yourself busy, you won’t get too caught up too soon because you are in love with the life you are currently living–with or without a man. If you are not at that stage where you are feeling good about your life, you need to really dig deep and figure out what things will provide you with that intrinsic happiness. Often times people get too dependent on someone else providing them happiness but this it not healthy because it really needs to come from within first.
  • As soon as it is established that “it’s not like that” then the best thing you can do is just walk away from the situation altogether. This can be done in a variety of ways: 1) You can immediately place this guy in the friend zone or 2) completely delete their number so you can make space for the right person who is more in alignment with your relationship goals. There is nothing wrong with keeping that person as a friend if you have mutual interests and like to spend time together from time to time but now you no longer have to over commit your time and energy towards this person. It might sound harsh to delete their number from your phone but it is not like they would know unless you told them. I also believe that physically deleting their number is like spiritually on some level deleting that person from being in the forefront of your mind and setting the boundary that they are not a permanent fixture in your life. There are actually some people I dated for a short time that to this day contact me out of the blue every so often but I do not even have their numbers saved in my phone anymore. It is nothing personal to that specific individual but I just do not feel the need to have their number permanently saved if I do not really talk or see that person all too often.

I can speak from experience that consciously detaching from the outcome of the dating scenario simply by just enjoying the natural dating process, keeping some options open at the same time (only when I am single that is, obviously not while I am in a relationship), and staying busy within my own life allows me to be in control of my emotional well being while providing a sense of empowerment where I continue to write my own dating script and manifest my own outcomes. I hope these dating tips will motivate women to adapt to a new set of dating rules and a way of thinking that will bring you closer to your very own relationship goals and attract the love you deserve in your life.