They say that one of the number one reasons why relationships fail is due to money matters. While many do not want to believe that, I can see how this can happen. It can be stressful enough making and managing your own money. Then factor in your partner’s money habits which can either make your life more stressful or potentially easier. Let’s also forget that money does NOT buy you happiness. Sure, maybe it can make your life easier and there is more financial security but money does not buy a happy relationship. It is for this reason that it is important to recognize that being with someone who has a lot of money does not necessarily guarantee a lifetime of bliss with this person because at the end of the day, you want to find someone who you love unconditionally–with or without a big bank account. There is also a reason that there is the saying, “more money, more problems.” When someone is rich, with that comes more financial responsibilities and also the risk of mismanaging their wealth which could mean being in a ton of debt later in life. On the opposite extreme, being with someone who is a broke bum can understandably bring upon added stress to your life. It can also be an extremely sensitive subject to discuss because you do not want this person to feel even worse about their financial situation. So is it important to still talk about finances and is there a safe way to approach it appropriately?

The short answer is: YES, of course it is important to talk about money in your personal relationships! I can understand why people do not want to because you may feel that it is not your right to know but if you eventually plan to buy a home together, pay joint bills, and essentially merge your adult lives together–then having some money conversations are absolutely needed if you want to build a strong financial foundation together and to ensure you both see eye-to-eye when it comes to money. So often, you see one person who is a great saver and then someone who cannot save a dollar if their life depended on it. This can cause a lot of arguments and tension if you have two people who simply do not agree on how their money is spent. Looking at it from both points of view, does the saver want the spender to spend all their money? Does the spender want to feel deprived and that the saver is constantly controlling their money? These are things that couples really need to think about. From personal experience, I have dated people who were bad with their money and did not know how to save. Over time, it got very annoying and although that was never the definitive reason as to why I would break up the relationship, this was something that was always a consideration because I did not want to be with someone who had zero discipline when it came to saving their money and did not prioritize their financial future.

There are a few safe ways to approach the subject without necessarily bringing it up directly right away. For starters, observe your partner’s behaviors when it comes to money. Is this person very frugal when they order food from a restaurant or does this person like to order everything from the menu? What are things that this person likes to spend money on–is it a daily coffee, vacations, material goods, and/or spending categories? Does this person talk about money goals such as paying off their student debt, saving up for enough money for a house, etc.? There are many things you can observe without asking.

As time goes by within your relationship and you get to know each other better, it is okay to open up the conversation and to talk about each other’s personal finances. It is better to be open and upfront than for it to be a guessing game or to feel like you can’t talk about these things. People should not be afraid to be open and honest, even when it comes to their financial situation. It will either bring two people closer together or further apart. If it does end up being a conflict within the relationship, it is much better to know now and to break it off rather than to stay and then find out when it is too late that the two of you are not financially compatible.